Homes of Victory
When it comes to developing character strength, inner security and unique personal and interpersonal talents and skills in a child, no institution can or ever will compare with, or effectively substitute for, the home’s potential for positive influence.
Stephen Covey
Winning doesn’t always mean being first. Winning means you’re doing better than you’ve done before.
Bonnie Blair
The most dangerous leadership myth is that leaders are born-that there is a genetic factor to leadership. That’s nonsense; in fact, the opposite is true. Leaders are made rather than born.
Warren Bennis
In the rhythms of my new workplace -of which I have now been at for 6 months – I can’t believe how time flies – the one thing I love about it, is the encouragement of self-care. We all run at a fast pace from week to week, and the first question asked at our last team meeting was – What are you going to do over the next 3 months to look after yourself? This question was asked before our planning took place, before all of the details of the next 3 months were spread out – like a clogged calendar of work… I wish to highlight at this point – this question was asked at the start of the meeting – not after all of the work was laid out and self-care was forced to slip in somewhere, maybe along the way if possible. No, it was first. It needs to be priority. We had some laughs as we went around the room, about how we all intended to self-care – answers ranged from booking annual leave to watching the Olympics – while trying to not get too tired to planning work flows better so it’s not overwhelming.
Recognizing the need for self-care in a way that you as an individual needs it– is becoming more common in the workplace – so too is empathy and all sorts of other emotional tools that we can use to relate better to each other, work better together, achieve greater goals, and ultimately become better individuals.
Bene Brown aptly states that:
It takes courage to say yes to rest and play in a culture where exhaustion is seen as a status symbol
Brene Brown
What status symbol are you chasing? Have a good think about it, What is it that you are chasing? My question to you is why? After why, I’m going to ask again – why?
I’ve struggled over time with this question of: What I am chasing and the reason behind it. I’ve struggled with the question of what am I sacrificing to chase, what am I gaining – it’s has to be more than the thrill of the chase. Keep asking yourself why – until you are satisfied with the answer. If all you are getting at the end of the day is exhaustion at the expense of rest and play – ask yourself, is it really worth it?
Loneliness is something we often think of as – out there. We know that loneliness exists – but in truth it happens everywhere. We can’t see it and we don’t know it until we are told about it. Loneliness never looks the same for any one and never discriminates. The thing is loneliness has always existed but now in 2021 it has become a pandemic in its own right – a killer of sorts (as suicide rates are skyrocketing) a destroyer of confidence, like a broken wire in the capacity to connect. I am not trying to dwell on the negative but give a foundation to both a challenge and new perspective. A new perspective that perhaps we all need.
To put loneliness into context… Britain has a minister for loneliness, Japan has also just nominated one… loneliness is not just something that we feel alone in our homes. The world around us, is experiencing loneliness of pandemic proportions that national governments, are making it a parliamentary priority. I am not sure I can list too many other social issues (not crime related) that have this level of priority.
As much as I hate this, it is so clear, that loneliness is all around us – magnified by COVID and the ramifications of lockdowns, job losses, family separated by halted travel and the list continues. The perspective I want to encourage is that of looking outwards, not focusing on the negative that may be impacting us, but how we can be the answer to those around us. I frame the perspective with the words – TOGETHER is my answer to loneliness. Together meaning if we all – as individuals make a choice to change our perspective and to step just a little out of our comfort zone, the difference with can make is enormous.
If we ALL look out for the ones when we go through our day – the ones, who may be carrying loneliness, the ones who may be carrying isolation, grief, loss the list goes on. If we challenge ourselves to speak to someone, we’ve never met, if we show an interest in others – this challenge will be met – slowly, steadily, and positively. The more we notice the ones, the more those around us will take note and be encouraged to be part of the answer. If we all begin to notice those in our lives during the week, those that may need a word of encouragement, a listening ear, someone to acknowledge them – be mindful and take the time to just do it – take the time to chat, take the time to be kind, take the time to notice. Be the one, who makes a difference in some ones day.
You will be surprised and so encouraged by the outcome of your kindness and thoughtfulness. What will you plan to do today to perhaps -lend a listening ear, be the one to acknowledge some one, to give an encouraging word…
We’ve looked at who we are and now we are going to look at what we need. In this post, we will look at being aware of the needs of our relationship, children and family as a whole.
What we perceive as a need and want can often be confused. To set the scene I’ve gone back to the definitions of both words.
A need is defined as, we require something as it is essential rather than just desirable.
Dictionary.com
A want is defined as have a desire to possess, or do something, wish.
Dictionary.com
Often in leadership we look at Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. As employers and employees we too have needs that need to be met in order for us to feel purposeful and fulfilled in our role. In a family situation, I believe individuals and families have a hierarchy of needs that need to be met.
Part of figuring out what our family hierarchy of needs are, was taking a close look at the five languages of love. Reading the book for adults (and there is one for children), has completely changed how we view each other and our kids. It taught us so many things it was incredible. If you haven’t heard of the five languages of love before or need a refresher, check it out here.
Layering our family hierarchy of needs on top of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs looks a bit like this:
Time is our large base layer – this is what we as a family need the most. Time together. Without it we all feel like we are all falling apart. After a busy weekend of kids birthdays, sport and socialising, I find my kids are far more snugly and less likely to go to bed on their own. They prefer to go into our bed all together with us, chat and fall asleep together. They need their family time hit. Other needs I feel our family has in order of hierarchy is words of affirmation and acts of service. It’s just who we are.
What are the things that you feel make up your family hierarchy of needs?
The individuals who make up our family have varying needs in terms of their own hierarchy of needs. For example one child pretty much lives for physical affection. If I was given a dollar for every time I was asked for a cuddle, I would be a billionaire – no joke. Another child, is a words of affirmation and a love letter under the pillow works wonders for the soul. My third child is completely a time person. Asking them, what their favourite thing to do is and the response will be, at home with everyone. Ask them what they want to do and its always an activity with the word ‘ together’ tacked onto it.
It is important to learn the needs your family has both as individuals and as a whole – it’s not just a personality thing, I believe it’s layered on top of it. So often we can assume, the family needs this or that, so let’s do it. Then we wonder why the whining and complaining starts. I’m not saying change your family activities in light of the whining but take time to listen to the needs of your family and be responsive to them.
Small changes make big differences.
Homes of Victory
For example I am not a words of affirmation person, but my husband is. I’ve had to learn, to say out loud what I think about him, as he loves to hear it. Likewise, I am not a touchy feely person, and having a child who is, has really tested my patience and character. I will always cuddle as I know that’s what they need and love. But I’ve really had to check my attitude – when I am giving the cuddle. Am I rushing, am I rolling my eyes, am I really giving them what they need, which is a big bear hug with two arms. I love it that I’ve learnt to pay attention and respond accordingly, as it is a way of filling up their love tank, but also giving each person in my family what they need. Likewise, my husband knows that since kids have come on the scene I am an acts of service person. Recently, I snuck off to have a nap, which I only do if I am desperately tired. He, kept the kids quiet, unpacked the dishwasher, cleaned it and cleaned the entire kitchen while I was asleep. I know a million brownie points right there. He woke me up as we needed to go out, but as he did, he mentioned he had a love gift for me. Leading me to the kitchen, I nearly cried. Not only had I had an hour of uninterrupted sleep, the kitchen was ready for the next round of cooking. He knew it was something I would appreciate and so he did it with purpose.
By knowing the needs of your family members, it will go a long way to knowing who they are, and what they need, not only in times of calm but when the obstacles of life come.
Think about what your families hierarchy of needs looks like. How do the five languages of love fit into the equation.
Draw your own triangle and add in your family needs. Create a separate triangle for each family member and see what you think there needs are. If your kids are old enough they may want to join in this activity.
The people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do.
Steve Jobs
In a day and age when products are built to only last a short amount of time, when marketing and promotions are becoming more subtle yet more in your face, how do we move beyond having the latest and greatest and measure success in real terms. Rather than always wanting more, how do we become satisfied and dare I say content with who we are and what we have?
This year our family is embarking on an adventure of not buying anything new. Before your mind wanders, we do have a list of exceptions that includes undies, socks, school books and food. As a family, if we want / need to buy new we will first work on finding a solution that involves recycling, reusing or refusing. If it falls into the want category it is automatically refused. Tough hey.
We have worked through the differences between need and want, the need for discipline when wanting to simply wander the shops for the sake of it, not adding things to our home just because and becoming more creative and slowing down to appreciate what we already have. In all honestly, we have more than enough and I instigated this adventure initially to save money. The kids became excited about the sustainability aspect as we all jumped on board. My excitement I do admit dissipated fairly quickly as I realised I couldn’t buy any new plants… With that said, seven months in and all family members are still on the bandwagon and we have been more creative and thoughtful with our purchases.
Taking time to think about a success criteria for our family project, got us thinking in broader terms of what type of criteria makes up, how successful we feel in life. It is easy for us to list the things that make us feel more successful – like career, car, home, kids, education. Digging a bit deeper and asking ‘Do these things really make us successful?’ revealed some interesting things, some things we weren’t prepared for and likewise things that have made us become more deliberate in how we rate our family success and how achieving our criteria makes us feel.
Think about what factors contribute to how you measure success in your family.
Be sure to read the next post on measuring success to find out what three things we learnt.
The hardest part of raising a child is teaching them to ride bicycles. A shaky child on a bicycle for the first time needs both support and freedom. The realisation that this is what the child will always need can be hard.
Sloan Wilson
I’ve worked in various roles that have always involved at one time or another – asking a hard question. It could be asking staff if they feel their behavior is appropriate, it could be asking a customer if how they are speaking is beneficial to the situation, it could be asking management to reconsider their decision… but when I get asked a hard question it’s a whole other level of feeling uncomfortable.
You see what I find the hardest question to answer is – what are you afraid of…How did you react to reading that? Is it a hard question for you to answer?
I used to think it was easy… snakes was always my first response. I know I’ve grown up in Australia where snakes are just a thing, to be honest I’ve only ever come across about 5 in their natural habitat. None of which were aggressive – but that fear still exists in my psyche.
Now… I feel it is such a reflective question – where at times we can bury our greatest fears in our goals and ambitions, our actions and thoughts. When I drill down past my fear of snakes – I get to a point where I fear failure – I still see it as negative… brushing past that – I fear that I won’t raise my kids well… do you see where I’m going with this??
We need to ask ourselves the hard question – not wait for someone else to challenge us – but really take time and take an honest look at what we fear? Why – so we can conquer it and look forward without fear and without any anchor dragging behind us.
As a leader it’s so important to lead your team – whether in the workplace or as a family on this journey as fear holds us all back in some form. With that said as a leader it is so valuable to be vulnerable and answer that question for yourself. Not with a 10 second answer like my snake answer – but a well thought out reflective answer. It may just change the way you lead for the better.
Ask the hard question in your home and in your sphere of influence. You may not get to hear the answer – or you may – but remember that fear is like an anchor dropped in the ocean – dragging behind you, slowing you down every time you reach up towards that goal. Don’t be held back. Name the fear – learn from it – grow from it and use it to fuel your motivation rather than hold you back.
I am a very visual person and I feel that the words ‘obstacle course’ aptly describe how life feels some times. At time we just need to grit our teeth and keep going, it may feel like we are crawling through mud, or climbing a never ending ladder, but one thing that always remains is change. Change is guaranteed to be a constant in our lives, so too are the ups and downs, most of which we have no control over.
One thing we can do is build a firm foundation on how to deal with what life throws our way before it happens so we are prepared and we limit the impact where possible. Before you ask, this foundation does need to be flexible and created with an open mind, otherwise it won’t work. If the following sets of conversations occur before further obstacles come our way, they will be more manageable and easier to navigate. The aim is to come out of life’s obstacles stronger and better for it, rather than defeated So lets get working on creating our obstacle course foundations.
Over the next six weeks we will be looking at the following:
part one: Who we are?
part two: What we need?
part three: Success factors
part four: Communication plan
part five: Time management plan
part six: Disaster management plan
That’s what I consider true generosity –you give your all and yet you feel as if it costs you nothing
Simone deBeauvoir
Congratulations, you made it through the first part of creating a family blueprint. we hope you enjoyed the conversations and spending time doing so with the one you do life with.
How do you feel you went coming up with your blueprint foundations? Were you able to come up with a list of five priorities for each category? We found it hard and at times we both got a bit offended, a little bit cranky, but at the same time we laughed and dreamed and really enjoyed having a conversation that didn’t center around our kids.
Which was the easiest topic for you to talk about? The hardest?
For us, the money talk was easier than expected. It was the conversation about kids that took us weeks to muddle through. I must say though, it was an interesting conversation that needed to happen, as it changed the course of our future, as it was when we decided to have a third child. It almost came down to I would love a third child, if you don’t we don’t do it, but we need to reach a decision. ( For us time was ticking…)
Did you use any of these conversations to make any life changing decisions?
How many times have we caused ourselves pain because we failed to pause and think. ‘How would my best self view and respond to this situation?’
Brendon Burchard
When have we as a society stopped doing deeds for others and thought of generosity, acts of kindness and thoughtfulness, as work?
Is it just me or do you feel our culture in general is becoming more inward focused, selfish, and unkind? Is the rush of life, the desire to be somewhere, the overbooking of calendars etc… making us weary, without a capacity to think of others?
I’ve been mulling over these two words deed and work for some time, as the meaning of both words has ‘ accomplish’ in both definitions. I would argue although the definition of work has the terms ‘ exertion’ and ‘ effort’ in the definition, at times, when we carry out a deed towards someone else ( I am referring to this in a positive sense) it also does take ‘ exertion’ and ‘effort’.
dictionary.com
work – noun: exertion or effort directed to produce or accomplish something. (labor/toil)
deed- noun something that is done, performed or accomplished; an act… often deeds, an act or gesture, especially as illustrative of intentions, one’s character.
dictionary.com
What are your thoughts on this? I find as a leader, we can easily set the example by doing random acts of kindness that don’t often take much effort or exertion – but make a huge difference to the day of someone else. When was the last time you send a word of encouragement? When was the last time you thanked someone at work for organizing an event or meeting? When was the last time you noticed something your kids did well or did without being asked?
Don’t see kindness as work. See kindness for what it is – intentionally making some ones day that bit better. It may not take a lot of time, it may not take too much effort but what it does is brightens the world, encourages the ripple effect of smiles and kindness in a world that truly needs more kind in it.
Homes of Victory