Tag: homes of victory

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Strong vs Stubborn

In my life I’ve been called strong and I’ve been called stubborn. I’ve called my kids strong to their faces and stubborn behind their backs. Is one trait better than the other or do they hold their own merit?

Stubbornness is a skill and an art. A person can be thought stubborn for no reason other than they have dug their heels in. Likewise a person can be thought stubborn for not giving up and being persistent until the goal is achieved.

In leadership being stubborn tends to have negative connotations, while the trait of being strong tends to imply a positive.

How then can we have the right tension between stubborn and strong. How can we still be perceived as a strong leader without the negative pull of being stubborn.

An example of this rang true in my home one afternoon. My 10 yr old approached me and asked if she could do a $10 pocket money job. Usually at my place the going rate for a pocket money job is $1 with the max of $2 for a car wash. … I suggested she could fold the washing for $2 as I was feeling generous. She asked for $3, I said $2 and the back and forth negotiation continued for some time. I finally said, it’s my final price if you want it do it, if not don’t. I was testing her resolve as I knew she wanted money to buy books. ( Side note: she is a book worm and spends every cent she gets on books) She walked off a little upset, turned around and said in a quiet voice, “Oh well you miss out….” She thought she could one up me by implying that I now needed to do the folding… when I assumed she missed out on pocket money as the task wasn’t done. By the way the folding still didn’t get done for a few days…

Can you see it – we are both stubborn and strong. We at times go toe to toe and I rarely pull out the line – “I’m just as stubborn as you, I’ve got all day….” I figure I have that privilege for want of a better word, as I am the parent. Placing this in a work environment, I would never make this type of comment, nor would I accept this level of stubborn. I would on the other hand accept this type of strong – if it was respectful. What I would also accept and action is working with staff on their stubbornness – turning it into a positive.

In our modern day and age of busy – do we take the time to look at the stubborn and see the potential? The potential determination, the strength and the tenacity? Or do we see the perceived weakness and dismiss it? I try so hard, to not tell my children they are stubborn – I’m not perfect, but I try to use the word determined or tenacious. I try to flip the perceived negativity around the word stubborn into the perceived positive of strength, tenacity and determination. These traits you will all agree are awesome to have as an adult in the real world, but when your a child – living in a family environment – stubborness is not always the most sought after skills. Likewise, when you are a parent of a stubborn child – it is not the most desirable either.

To balance the tension between strong and stubborn it is vital to connect with the character behind the stubborn, connect with the character behind the strong and you will be delighted with what you find. Draw out the positives, direct and steer them towards determination, tenacity, never giving up attitudes and leadership. They will not let you down.

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Shaping Leaders: Susanna Wesley

I am taking a step back in history to the late 1600’s and early 1700’s and examining the amazing leadership style of a woman named Susanna Wesley. What is she famous for you ask? Why choose her as a leader? She is the mother of two world movers and shakers – John and Charles Wesley. In fact, she was a mother to 19 children, tragically by the time she passed away only 8 were still alive. Being a mother is important, being a father is important – being a parent is the greatest leadership role you will ever have.

For those unfamiliar with the work of John and Charles Wesley – here is a super quick run down: John Wesley single handedly started the Methodist denomination – focused on charity works that has spread globally and is still in operation today. His brother Charles Wesley wrote some 6000 hymns in his lifetime some of which are still sung today – 300 years later. To say both men changed the world is an understatement but you get the idea.

Back to their mother – Susanna. She lived a life of hardship – her husband was frequently jailed for gambling debts, their house burnt down twice – she managed to rebuild it, she even stopped her husband from living in the family home for a period of time due to an unresolved dispute. She was tough, strong and courageous. When she was without her husband (read big deal back in the 1690’s) she continued to run a tight household as noted in a letter to her husband:

I am a woman, but I am also the mistress of a large family. And though the superior charge of the souls contained in it lies upon you, yet in your long absence I cannot but look upon every soul you leave under my charge as a talent committed to me under a trust. I am not a man nor a minister, yet as a mother and a mistress I felt I ought to do more than I had yet done. I resolved to begin with my own children; in which I observe the following method: I take such a proportion of time as I can spare every night to discourse with each child apart.

Susanna Wesley

I love it how through all the hardships she faced in her life – lack of money being the most prominent and impacting, she decided to do more than she had yet done, and began with her family. She invested and invested and invested into her children’s lives. Each child’s adult life makes for a great read. I could say so much more about her leadership – how she persisted during hard times, she was consistent with her household, she never wavered from her faith and her beliefs. She had resolve and resilience. It has been said of her that:

Although she never preached a sermon or published a book or founded a church, (she) is known as the Mother of Methodism. Why? Because two of her sons, John Wesley and Charles Wesley, as children consciously or unconsciously, applied the example and teachings and circumstances of their home life.

I love this quote about Susanna Wesley as it sums up her leadership – she set the example, lead with teaching rather than expecting and created a home environment full of learning and wonder. What more could we want for our own homes, than to have it conducive to raising world changers.

If we think about it – she sounds like one of the original Homes of Victory – it’s not about anything else other than the people in it doing life together- being courageous, intentional and generous.

Lastly, I will leave you with this thought – When you start to think ‘ I am only a Mum/ Dad” remember you are never ‘ only’ a Mum/ Dad – you are a person of great influence in your families lives. You and your influence and resolve will leave a lasting and incredible impact on your child/ren’s lives.

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Go home…

There have been times when I feel the world generally speaking, sees ‘busy’ as a status symbol. Where employers expect far too much of employees and feel that the dollar will buy them what they want – which is more dollars, giving no thought to the person behind the task. Other times, I feel that the ones closest to us, miss out on the best of us, when we are too busy – trying to make a go of it.

Mother Teresa once said,

If you want to change the world go home and love your family.

Mother Teresa

I have three take away points I’d like to share with you based on this quote.

1. You are a world changer – your circle of influence is far better because you are in it. No matter what you think of yourself, whether you are confident or not, negative or positive – you change the world of those you influence. It may not be the whole world, but to many you do change their world.

2. Your family is your world – imaging your life without your family or your family without you? How does that make you feel? How would they individually feel? Mother Teresa subtly states in this quote that family is your world and family should be your first love. They need you as much as you need them. How amazing do you feel after a long hard day, your little one squeals with excitement that your home and runs full pelt into you for a hug. If your family is in need of some TLC, work through it together, commit to change and work on it. No other achievement will be worth more than loving your family to the core and have them love you too.

3. Love is the foundation of everything – Love, is the foundation of belonging, it is the foundation of confidence, it forms a basis for decision making, it is a safety net it is wide open arms ready for a hug, it is forgiveness, it is grace, it is everything in between. Stop seeing your career or other achievements as the measurement of success in life. Measure your success by the foundation of love you bring to your family and home. Adjust how you see your family, how you see your world, how you see yourself – you are a world changer and your love for your family means the world to them.

Sometimes we cannot change the whole world, but we can change the lives of those in our world.

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#homesofvictory

Many people never reach “greater” because they don’t leave “good enough” behind.

 Steven Furtick
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Unity

Where there is unity there is always victory.

Publilius Syrus

Ah… the elusive word unity. What does it mean and how does it apply to us in a family context. Going back to the definition of the word unity, it is defined as:

The state of being one ; a whole or totality as combining all its parts into one.

Dictionary.com

How often have you found yourselves in your home, at odds with one another. Over time, over money, over space, over decisions that are overwhelming, over things that happen that we have no control over. I know we’ve been there and are probably there more often than we realize.

What strikes me about unity, especially in a family context, is once you know you are all on the same side, battling the same thing, it gets a whole lot easier. If we remove battling each other before we even get to the issue, the battle is almost won.

One thing we say in our home, and we are a work in progress like everyone else is, we are on the same side. We try to take the emotion out of the battle and keep the unity as foundational to the issue. When our kids know we are on their side, when they know we are in it together, there is almost a sigh of relief as they navigate the emotion behind the issue, rather than fight against us as parents. Once we remind each other in our marriage that we are on the same side, the personal attacks that sometimes creep in, dissipate and we focus in unity on the issue at hand. Overcoming far more than we could otherwise.

Now don’t get me wrong, there is no perfection in our home when it comes to unity. But… and I emphasise this, it is the goal. It is foundational to us, that we always remember we are on the same side, the same team and in it together. In doing so, we are stronger, work smarter and are a whole lot happier.

If we aim to live in unity think of the victories that could be won…

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The hard truth

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how both thinking too highly or not highly enough of yourself can be your own worst enemy. Yet at times it is really difficult to have an honest idea of who you are while realistically understanding your gifts and talents along with your weaknesses that need to be worked on.

As I was reflecting on how to have a healthy view of yourself, I remembered something that happened a number of years ago that puts this topic into perspective.

One thing we’ve taught our kids from a young age is to think about three things you love about someone and add those things to their birthday and Christmas card. My eldest daughter decided one year to write each person in her class a detailed Christmas card, using this method. During the last week of school, one mum grabbed me on my way to pick up. She asked if I had read the Christmas cards my daughter wrote before she gave them out… I realized I hadn’t as I slowly shook my head. She smiled a huge smile and pulled a Christmas card out of her bag. My child wrote… thank you for being such a great friend. I love playing with you. Over the holidays maybe try to talk less so next year you don’t get into trouble in class….

I can’t even put into words my response – this was like a grade 3 version of a performance appraisal. The mums grin put me at ease as I profusely apologized. She said, her child cried after reading it out to her. I still didn’t know what to say. I was shocked, sad and completely at a loss of what to say.. she then went on to say, the card made her laugh, as it was true and her daughter simply couldn’t handle the truth…

I’m not saying we should go to bed crying because of what others think of us or even bluntly tell people what we think of them… rather listen to those around us, like this mum who knew the truth about her daughter, and hear how we can grow our weaknesses rather than hide from them.

Who do you have in your life that is prepared to tell you the truth?

Who do you speak life into, as you let others know the truth?

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Let your light shine

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.”

quote by Marianne Williamson

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Pause

I’ve been reading a book called Get your life back by John Eldredge, can I say, it has been one of the most inspiring and truth hitting books I have read in a long time. I wanted to pull a quote out of this book to encourage you.

Saint Augustine said, “ We must empty ourselves of all that fills us so that we may be filled with what we are empty of”.

This is such a beautiful quote and although it was written in the 1800’s before the world was busy and full as we know it know, the truth to this rings loud. It is such a great reminder in our every day – when we are bombarded with news, with advertising and everything else that is available on our screens it is so important to get back to the basics and be still. Even only for a moment. Being still, lets us re-center, enables us to focus on what is important and lastly, good for our health.

Take a moment today to pause, re- group and then get on with your day.

Book referenced: Get your Life Back – Every day practices for a world gone mad by John Eldredge (2020)

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Cultivating creativity

If you want your children to be intelligent, read them fairy tales. If you want them to be more intelligent, read them more fairy tales.

Albert Einstein

It’s clear that Albert Einstein believes that imagination is the key to real intelligence. Does real intelligence mean we only know facts? Does it mean we are creative? Does it mean we focus on solutions? Is it a mix of all three?

Whatever your position is, imagination allows to see what is not there, and therefore be builders of a new and improved reality.

I was recently challenged around the concept of adults losing their imagination and focusing too much on reality. I am so guilty of this, where I think of a fun, amazing, big blue sky concept only to shoot the thought down within seconds saying that won’t work. That’s not possible.

Who has come across a kid wanting to be a dinosaur when they grow up? It makes you smile right – knowing it’s not possbile but the kid believes it with every bone in their body. Where has that child like imagination, all things are possbile capacity gone? When does it not become a thing anymore as we grow up.

Homes of Victory is all about encouraging families, to think big, plan, grow and be all they can be. What we need more of in our families, in our parenting, is more creativity, more imagination and less barriers in our minds to what is possible. Cultivating creativity takes time, is perhaps a learnt art, of letting go and letting our imaginations run free. One thing I do know is when you do, the joy, the unpredictable and the what was once thought impossible begins to show possibility.

Take some time out to think about your dreams when you were a kid? When you were a teenager beginning to explore the world. What dreams did you have, how have they been squished, how can you revive them?

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Hard…only cause we care

We found ourselves talking to our kids about having more respect towards each other and us – and indeed everyone they have a conversation with. Words are powerful right. Thanks to the teenage stage, our well-intended correctional chat was met with ” Why do you even care, it’s my choice what I say”. Oh and throw in an eye roll for good measure.

The response was valid and true… but what our teen failed to take into account in this conversation is we care because we love. Our response to this remark was ” We care because we love you. If we didn’t love you, then we honestly wouldn’t care”. Can I also add here in all honesty – sometimes it would be way easier not to care, way less effort to just let things slide, way more peaceful if we didn’t care. By the way we never say this to our kids, it’s merely a back of mind thought.

Love is often in this context the balance between emotion, fun, joy and the other end of the spectrum discipline. The tightrope us parents walk to make sure we build relationship and connection while guiding and correcting.

This response of we care because we love you, works 9 times out of 10. It stops them in their tracks. Why? It makes them think about what I call the train track of being a kid. We have a goal to grow our kids to get them to the station if you like of adulthood with the hope, they are amazing and wonderful and everything in between. However, the only way to get there – is via the track – one side is love and the other is discipline. The two tracks run parallel – sometimes we lean more into one side then the other – but to raise our kids into amazing adults – we need both sides of the track. They too need the boundaries; they need to be valued, and they need to be seen. You can’t have all of that without some form of discipline.

Tired Dad puts it this way

We don’t just raise kids. We raise future adults! who will one day reflect on how they were loved, guided and seen.

Tired Dad

So, dig deep, keep going through the hard. It will absolutely be worth caring in the end.

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Turning Up

Sometimes I need to pinch myself; I feel like I have the best team in the world. As a team, we face many challenges not with each other but due to the roles we perform. As a team we are strong, but the challenges of the task at hand often wears us down. To combat this, we’ve recently started doing weekly check ins, that are not process focused team meetings but rather some time carved out each week to debrief, reflect, brainstorm and process the week.

One thing we’ve discussed openly, is the question of ‘How do we turn up?’ How do we want to turn up to our day verses how our day unfolds can be two very different things in terms of emotions and challenges. In my team, it’s easy to get frustrated, emotional and honestly not be our best by the time Friday comes around. I love it, that we can openly say, this made me angry, this made be anxious – name an emotion and someone in my team has probably felt it. What we’ve also asked ourselves as a team is, once we recognise how we are turning up, what are we going to do about it. I can admit some days, the contents of my emails get to me within the first 5 minutes, and I’m grumpy. That’s not how I planned to turn up to my day, but that is the emotional reality. The key is what I do next. The choice I make, influences my team, influences the stakeholders I engage with and ultimately impacts me. It takes courage and bravery to step out of your emotion and choose to turn up how you predetermined you would. My goal is to turn up, positive, open minded and ready to go. I don’t always turn up like this, but it’s my goal.

How we turn up, comes down to the choice we make, not circumstances, not experiences but an intrinsic choice. What we choose to do when we find ourselves not at our best is significant. It determines the influence we have, the atmosphere we generate around us and how much we allow circumstance and experience to control us. Victor Frankl a survivor of the holocaust says it rather eloquently.

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.

Viktor Frankl

We have an unwritten rule in my team, that we can call each other out, if we feel someone is not admitting to being their best self. We not only call it out, but then ask, what can I do for you? As a team we’ve chosen to aim to turn up – courageous, positive and supportive. We may not always get there, and I absolutely do not expect this of my team every day in every way, but I love it that it’s a goal, and that is what we aim for.

Do you need to assess how you show up? This applies to every aspect of our lives- work, home and play. How you allow circumstances and experiences to control you? Once you decide on a goal of how you want to show up, even when it’s hard. You will notice the freedom and the positive influence you have on those around you.

To summarise, ask the following questions:

  1. How do I want to turn up?
  2. If I’m not turning up how I planned, what can I do about it?
  3. If someone else isn’t turning up how they planned, what can I do to help?
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Soft is strong

To the Mumma of boys who have soft hearts, I see the silent tears fall, as they tell you about their day. Afraid to ask to play, as the others seem so rough. I see your heart breaking as he navigates friends that have come and gone and friends that are still to come. The softness in his heart is not the lack of brave – but far from it. The pursuit of justice in his mind, is the making of a warrior. He will one day stand tall, undeterred by the arrows that fly by day, or the shadows that creep by night, until then precious one, take heart.

Your boy is stronger than he thinks, wiser than he knows, braver than he gives himself credit for. He can run as he chooses; he seeks truth and justice, he gives with all his might. Others may not see it, others may take advantage, but one thing is for sure- the warrior within is only just getting started. Nurture him, love him, encourage him, push him safely out of his comfort zone to prove he is capable, to show him, he can – when he thinks he can’t.

To the Mumma of boys why are soft hearted, take courage for one day, when he stands like a warrior, he will remember you, he will have the words you spoke into his life, safely tucked into his heart. He will know the value of the nurturing, the value of your patience and the value of your never-ending love.

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Perspective

I was recently reminded of how important having the right perspective is. When we walk through a city with towering skyscrapers – how intimidating are they, yet when we see it from a bird’s eye view – that intimidation dissipates. Here is a repost from 2021 when we first took a look at perspective and just how influential it can be when we change it.

Here is our original Perspective post:

Perspective is one of those things that’s in the eyes of the beholder. How we see things is exactly that – how we see it. At times we can become so consumed with the perspective we see, it is difficult to change our perspective and see the bigger or smaller picture.

Last summer I’ve was blessed to spend some time at the beach both in a tent (read a week of rain…) and a little time in an apartment. When watching the rolling waves with people swimming and playing on the beach from both perspectives – I realized how different it is standing on the beach compared to watching from 19 levels up.

Stay with me here- when standing on the beach the waves were about 4 foot tall, crashing and sloshing and the undercurrent was strong. When standing on the balcony at 19 stories high the waves didn’t look so big and the people swimming looked really close to the shore. Sometimes we just need to zoom out a little. Yes, the waves of life come in their perfect form or messy crash but if we zoom out a little, we still see the wave, but we see the expanse of the ocean and all its wonder.

Another thing to add here is… at times I would much rather be in the waves at the beach – other times I would way rather be watching from a distance – like 19 stories high.

Whatever you are facing today – take a minute to check your perspective. Zoom out a little, take time to see the wonder in the moment – whether it’s a learning opportunity, a tough it out moment or simply one where the bigger picture helps to calm the whole situation.

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Navigating hang ups and bang ups

In the last post, hang ups and bang ups we looked at how hang ups and bang ups happen, and how we respond is our choice. As hard as that may be at times, to choose the right response, the integrity filled response, the unexpectedly kind response. After one particular hang up and bang up, I was sent this quote.

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.

Charles R Swindoll

What I’m interested to hear is what is your first response to this quote?

My first response when reading this quote with a stream of thoughts starting with yes, I can see how that is true, then I moved onto, wait I have no control over what happens to me and how could I possibly try to respond positively all the time to ‘ what happens’… the reality is, there is no real answer. But what we do have in this quote, which is very thought provoking, is once again a choice, we need to step back and make every time we need to respond to something that happens -whether it’s negative or positive. What happens to us, as per the quote, isn’t what we are in control of, what we are in control of is our response. A little daunting isn’t it. Yet, with a little perspective though, it’s easier to see what we do have control of and how our response matters the most.

I am for want of a better word and avid people watcher. I love to observe, I love to chat, and I love to listen to people’s stories. What amazes me, is how different people respond to trauma, how different people celebrate milestones and how people admit to strangers their deepest darkest secrets. Part of my amazement is the learnings and growth in my own life that come from listening and gleaning during these conversations.

What I want to encourage you with, is how you navigate the hang ups and bang ups in life, can inspire others to see their own hang ups and bang ups differently. Sharing your story in the right context with the right person at the right time can make such a huge difference and truly inspire others to live in victory and rethink how they respond to what happens in life.

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Bang ups and Hang ups

Recently, we visited our niece and all she wanted to do was read books. Reading is my favourite thing to do, encouraging kids to read is a close second, and reading to kids is one of my love languages. The joy that comes from exploring the pages, the pictures, and the words – fills my tank.

At one and a half my niece picked Oh the places you’ll go by Dr Seuss. She wasn’t really interested in the words but the beautifully wild, colourful images. We flicked to the page where it starts…

I’m sorry to say so, but, sadly, it’s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.

Dr Seuss, Oh the Places You’ll go

She just loved the images, she pointed and squealed, and tried to keep turning the pages…I realized in that split second, that’s exactly how I was feeling – that some hang-ups and bang-ups have happened in the last little while. I realized I felt battered in a mental sense, tired from thinking way too much and giving too much credit to the hang-ups and bang-ups that I thought I left in 2023.

Reading on it’s incredible, the joyful spin that Dr. Seuss puts on the bang-ups and hang-ups, he really puts it in perspective. In reality yes, they are not nice, they will happen, but also, in reality, we can move on from the hang-ups and from the bang-ups and into the wonder that is the adventure of life.

So, taking the squealing advice from my niece – keep flicking the pages, to see what happens at the end… zoom out and give your hang-ups and bang-ups some perspective.

When we gain that perspective, we then have a choice to make on how we navigate the hang-ups and bang-ups – because often, these occur thanks to those in our world and it often makes it all the more hurtful – our family, friends, work colleagues, and at times strangers. The choice we have is to process our hurt absolutely, but we have a choice to make in terms of our own behaviour and response.

How will we react, respond, and move on? Often what is harder than experiencing the hang-ups or bang-ups, is choosing to do the right thing, choosing to take the moral high ground, continue to ensure we behave with integrity, and stick to the values we have foundationally in our lives. What we do after the hang-ups and the bang-ups is the most important part of the equation.

The question that now hangs in the air is, what are you going to do next time you have a hang-up or bang-up happen to you? How are you going to approach the situation, knowing at the end of the day you are responsible for your own behaviour and response?