Do you want to learn how to fight for your marriage rather than just fight in it? Start attacking the problems that arise rather than attacking each other.
Lisa Bevere
Sometimes we get hung up on the who and what and forget about the why. We can admit, that we have been caught in the cycle of ‘ attacking’ each other rather than the problems in our marriage. We have been there… but once we made a decision to lay it all out on the table, look at the issue not the person, the real issues were laid bare and the work of problem solving began.
Only then, were we able to start attacking the problems and issues in our marriage rather than each other. The thing is, it took a conscious effort to change how we both thought, it took time and calm to lay it all out, it took steps of peace from both of us, to start working on the real issues at hand.
Don’t let the little things, build into big things, where it seems like it’s gone beyond the point of no return. If communication is a problem – work out a better way to communicate, if busy is a problem – work out a way to adjust the busy, if finances are a problem – work together on finding a solution –get professional help, be disciplined, cheer each other on – rather than tear each other apart. If we have learnt one thing, on the journey of marriage – and boy we’ve had ups and downs – is this:
There is always a solution, you just need to find it.
Homes of Victory
You may have the “I love you but don’t like you days” – you may have the I’m trying to keep loving you days, but if you both keep taking steps towards peace and resolution – you’ll take your marriage to a whole new level of wonderful. Fight for what is worth fighting for.
We’ve just been through a time, where Mr 8, decided to eat every meal in a taco. I had absentmindedly put some leftover taco shells in a container and left them in the pantry… he found them, 5 in total. He decided after we sat down to dinner each night, to go to the cupboard and get a taco. He had spaghetti in a taco, pulled pork in a taco, a sausage in a taco you get the idea.
Why am I writing about this? This was a week where I didn’t battle my son, I chose not to feel defeated but rather went with the flow. Each night as I rounded up the kids for dinner (read cats that keep wandering off) I would wait with anticipation for the “ Can I please go to the cupboard?” question. I happily obliged, actually I chose to. I chose not to argue, I chose not to worry about it, I chose not to spend energy on it, I chose perspective.
I had flashbacks of my Mum getting really upset when my brother would cover his dinner in tomato sauce every night. She would always say, “that’s not how I made it to be eaten”. It would annoy her and upset her every single time. I agree with her, and know the effort that goes into making a meal that the whole family will eat and the heart of it is, you want the whole family to enjoy it.
The thing is, we can all enjoy the same thing differently and there are things in life that are not worth the energy involved in getting upset or annoyed about. I needed to and wanted to see his love for Taco’s through his eyes.
Do you have a taco like habit? One that no one else agrees is good or nice or could possibly make you happy?
Do you, your other half or kids have a taco like habit that you can’t stand?
This week instead of a battle, choose not to, choose to see it from their eyes. Save your energy and put the battles into perspective.
By now, you should have five or more goals written down, that you are both or all happy about and agreed upon. How do you feel? Excited? Daunted?
For those of you who are not planners, and setting goals seems so foreign, please do not feel that this is not for you. It is, as much as it is for a planner. The action plan that you will create, can be as detailed as you like, it can be at the forefront of all family decisions or not. It can be what you want it to be for your family situation. For us, we are half- half planners. We love to have goals ticking over in the background, while we get on with it and have fun along the way. At times we get really distracted and need to remind ourselves of the goals we set and why, but day to day, we are not dictated by our goals. We know what they are and how much of them we have achieved, but we still like to have an element of flexibility and improvisation.
To put everything in perspective, a strategic plan (which we call the family blueprint) gives you a place to record your vision, purpose and values (which is your family values statement), as well as your long-term goals (the goals you’ve written) and the action plans you’ll use to reach them (what we will now do).
As overwhelming as an action plan can sound, you will get your groove on, once you get started. We found the easiest thing to do, was ask a set of questions, write down our answers and then tweak it as we go along. We’ve added in the questions we asked to form our family action plan. For this we didn’t include our children, but if they have been involved in the process of developing goals or even your family values statement, it may be good to include them in some if not all of the action plan creation.
Activity: Answer the following questions according to each individual goal set.
What: (The goal – as per family values list)
When: (Time frame)
Why: (motivations and how does it link to your family values statement)
Actions required: Include when you plan to complete each task
Measure of success: What criteria will be used, how will failure be dealt with
Link to family budget: Estimated cost and savings plan
Creating an action plan will take time. Work through each goal at your own pace, work together to come up with an action plan for each one.
Once you’ve completed your action plan, take some time to let the goals and outcomes sink in.
Ask, is the plan as a whole realistic for your family?
What adjustments could I make, to ensure every goal is achieved?
In the last post on influence and persuasion we shared about influence and how we get to choose whether it is positive or negative. Today, we are continuing the conversation about how our words have influence also.
Peggy O’Mara states that:
The way we talk to our children, becomes their inner voice
Peggy O’Mara
What words are soaking into your kids hearts as you raise them? What words will then rise up within them when they face the trials in life? What influence will spill out of them as their sphere of influence grows? I know I want my kids, to hear the words in their heart saying to them, “I am loved”, “ I am good enough”, “ I can do this”, “ I am stronger than I think I am”,“ I am safe”, “ I am cared for”, “ I can tell Mum…”, “ I can tell Dad…” the list goes on. I may not always be there but I know my words will be carried in their heart. They will hear what I have said to them, ring true when the need arises.
For years, I saw the strength of my influence over my children, as a great responsibility and it is, but it was burdensome. Deep down I am a perfectionist and I wanted more than anything to be the best type of influence I could be. The burden became so great, that I probably, no definitely let my influence slip into the negative because I was so hard on myself. After reading this quote, and doing some soul searching of the most emotional kind, I came to realise it is not a burden but rather a privilege and like all things parenting I am never going to be perfect and get it right 100% of the time.
In the end, we may not know how much influence we have, but what we will know is that we made the effort to influence for good.
I’ll leave you with this thought:
Leadership is influence
John C. Maxwell
Take time to reflect on the influence you have?
Do you see it as a responsibility or burden?
Think of times you’ve seen your kids behave in a way where you know it was your influence shining through? How does it make you feel?
Here at Homes of Victory we love to share thoughts and real life with you. This was written by a career woman, who has three young children. She always questioned how to balance life and work, children and career. This is shared with permission and we hope it encourages you and inspires you.
Hey my babies one, two and three.
I wonder if you’ll ever know how much I love you. When the day dawns and the crazy begins I hope you see it’s love that motivates me. When we’re all tired but we need to keep going I know you feel the warmth in my hands when I hug you, the empathy in my voice when I encourage you and the pride that radiates from my heart.
I feel the guilt of work and yet another kind of guilt if I don’t. As I pick you all up after a long day I breathe you all in – one, two, three I miss you dreadfully yet worry I won’t find the strength to make it to bed time. I know at times I’m cranky more than I should be. I know at times I’m in auto pilot. I never wish time away but some days I only want my bed. I wonder if you’ll ever see that I draw my strength from Christ and no one else. I wonder if you see the love I have for you that drives me every moment to keep on going. I’d never quit, never thought to but some days I’ve had to dig deeper than I knew possible just to get you through the day and off to sleep peacefully.
When I hear you wake during the night it is love that draws me to your side. I sleepily step towards your room saying mumma coming it’s okay. My eyes are full of sleep but my heart is always about you my one, two, three.
If it’s a bottle, nappy or cuddle I’m right there. I wonder if you’ll remember my hugs with two hands holding you tight knowing tomorrow you’ll be that little bit bigger and that little bit older.
My babies one, two, three I wonder if you ever notice my long tight hugs. They’re more than just annoying they’re me holding you close to me. One day hugs just won’t be the same so I cherish each one. So much about you is hidden in my heart. Saved and savored. Every day you remind me to laugh and find joy in the little things.
Then, when I tuck you in tight and kiss you goodnight, you whisper with your eyes closed ,”I love you Mumma”. Then, and only then, do I realise, I have wondered in vain and I realise I have been too hard on myself. Forever I will love you one, two, three. Forever you will be my motivation, my joy, my completeness. It won’t matter how big you grow or how fast the years go by – I will always know my heart belongs to you on, two and three. I know your heart too, will always have a special place for me.
As a parent I know my persuasion skills have hit a new level. I feel I am now fully qualified to get what I want, when I want… most of the time without a tantrum from the kid involved. I do think it comes down to practice and by the time I reached the third kid, they know the look in my eye, when I just need to get my own way this time for whatever reason… any one agree?
I do wonder but, what my influencing skills are like and will I ever really know my reach?
In a nutshell, there is are subtle differences between the two words:
Influence means the capacity to have an effect on the character, development, or behaviour of someone or something, or the effect itself.
Persuasion means the action or process of persuading someone or of being persuaded to do or believe something.
When we influence our family it may come down to our mood and how we say things – who has had a child repeat a word the same way you say it? In my home at the moment, my youngest says ‘ seriously’. I know she gets it from me, and she does a good job mimicking me. It may come down to the type of words we choose to use – encouraging or not, how we speak about other people, do we gossip?, do we uplift? The list goes on. Everything we do and say as a parent has influence.
In the workplace, I love to talk to staff about their sphere of influence. What they do and don’t have influence over – how this impacts their work and them as a person. It is really uplifting when you understand, your sphere of influence and how you can impact others for good. I’ve seen staff flourish tenfold when they get it – really get it. They may not be in positions of leadership, but they certainly lead in their sphere of influence. It’s amazing to watch whole teams transform, when individual staff realise their sphere of influence and focus on what they can do rather than what they can’t.
At times, I just love to watch my kids interact with other kids and other adults. I watch to see how the behave when they think I’m not there. The smiles and pride comes when I see them do the things I’ve taught them and come to expect of them. Like my daughter holding the door open for another family at ballet, my son collecting the cones at the end of footy training without being asked, my daughter reaching out to a sick friend in an email to see how she is, those kinds of behaviours make me feel like I’ve done something right in terms of influence.
On the flipside, I have seen behaviours in my kids, where I cringe and think, oh no…, I need to remember to behave better myself next time. Like when I get a bit cranky on the roads and call someone an idiot… or when I’ve yelled because I think no one is listening, they yell at me when they think I’m not listening. Influence works both ways, it does not differentiate between good and bad…
Influence like words, is powerful, more powerful than we give it credit for. Unlike words where we can choose to say nothing, influence never switches off. Even our silence is a type of influence. Luckily, we have a choice to make about how we influence – in a positive or negative way. No one is ever going to be perfect, but we can try little by little to bring a positive spin to our sphere of influence.
I have worked extensively in customer service roles and I can still remember some customers who walk into a space and light up the room without saying a word. This is influence of the best kind. It uplifts and it brings joy. It also shows the power of influence in all its glory.
The next generation we are raising needs us, their family to influence them in a positive way. We need to be the loudest and most positive voice in the hustle and bustle of growing up. Too much of the world relies on the negative to fuel sources of conversation, to fuel the need to feel loved, the need to feel better about themselves. The children we are raising, already have influence and as they get older, the reach of their influence will expand.
Peggy O’Mara states that:
The way we talk to our children, becomes their inner voice.
Peggy O’Mara
Stay tuned for the second part of this post tomorrow. We have more to share on this topic.
What words are soaking into your kids hearts as you raise them? What words will then rise up within them when they face the trials in life? What influence will spill out of them as their sphere of influence grows? I know I want my kids, to hear the words in their heart saying to them, ‘ I am loved”, “ I am good enough”, “ I can do this”, “ I am stronger than I think I am”,“ I am safe”, “ I am cared for”, “ I can tell Mum…”, “ I can tell Dad…” the list goes on. I may not always be there but I know my words will be carried in their heart. They will hear what I have said to them, ring true when the need arises.
For years, I saw the strength of my influence over my children, as a great responsibility and it is, but it was burdensome. Deep down I am a perfectionist and I wanted more than anything to be the best type of influence I could be. The burden became so great, that I probably, no definitely let my influence slip into the negative because I was so hard on myself. After realising this quote, and some soul searching of the most emotional kind, I came to realise it is not a burden but a rather a privilege and like all things parenting I am never going to be perfect and get it right 100% of the time.
In the end, we may not know how much influence we have, but what we will know is that we made the effort to influence for good. I’ll leave you with this thought:
Leadership is influence
John C. Maxwell
Take time to reflect on the influence you have?
Do you see it as a responsibility or burden?
Think of times you’ve seen your kids behave in a way where you know it was your influence shining through? How does it make you feel?
This week has been one of opportunity and disappointment. Highs and lows all rolled into one. Both the opportunity and disappointment have been caused by the opinion and decision of others. We also received valuable unwarranted encouragement while also struggling to comprehend the knock back of a well-rounded argument for an amazing collaboration opportunity. It is something we have no control over. In the middle of a download about why the we felt disappointed, we started talking about the positives of the situation, how we were building resilience and that the encouragement came at the perfect time.
To put the brakes on the disappointment, we had an interesting conversation about making a choice about who and what we were going to listen to and to allow the disappointing moment wash over us as we continued on with our work. We decided in the moment to listen and remember the words of the encouragers rather than the naysayers. We would use the disappointment to form our determination for future opportunities. The choice we made lead for a brighter end of the week and lessons learnt.
The question I have for you in your situation is.. In your moment of opportunity or disappointment, do you choose which voice you listen to, or do you listen to them all? Chances are if you do,
The negative voices in your life will speak the loudest and linger the longest in your thoughts. Don’t listen to them.
Do you listen to the encourager, the naysayer, the ‘you can do it’ voice or the ‘don’t even try’ voice? Only you get to choose which words stick and which ones you need to let slide off. Likewise, in your life whether at home or work, are you the encourager or the naysayer? Do you see opportunity or feel threatened by great ideas? Are you someone who enables another to thrive, or do you like to do all the thriving?
In life everything comes down to the choices we make and when. Make choices today the contribute to building others up, that encourage others while seeking to find the best solutions. Wouldn’t it be a better world if we all encouraged one another, gave constructive feedback, and had the capacity to see what others see in terms of their dreams and visions.
Side note – May Homes of Victory be a positive voice in your life, may you see the passion and encouragement behind each post. Live each day making choices that lead towards victory in this season.
I read this quote and it made me stop and me smile because of its truth. How often do we let the negative of what others say, walk right in and make themselves at home. Lounging on the couch in our minds, multiplying into more negative thoughts.
Instead, why don’t we start making a conscious effort to let our positive out into the world. Any negative comment can be flipped into a positive one. Be conscious of it, when you are speaking and connecting with others. You will never know the positive difference you can make in someone’s day.
Congratulations, you made it through the second part of creating a family blueprint. We hope you enjoyed the conversations and spending time doing so with the one you do life with. Did you find it interesting to learn about personality types, and figure out what the needs of your family are? How did you go putting your crisis management and stress management plan together?
What area did you find the most beneficial?
We would love to hear your feedback.
We found the who we are? section to be the most eye-opening. Even now, a few years after we decided to learn more about who we are, we are still learning more about each other’s personality. We have found ourselves talking often about this topic how our personality types clash and how they work together. We have been identifying more of our strengths and weaknesses – in order to learn how to compromise just a little more, in order to be more considerate and aware of each other. We must say, so far so good. We feel that we have grown closer together and have more knowledge and understanding of each other.
How do you feel since you’ve worked together on your obstacle course responses?
Did you use any of these conversation lead to big changes in your family?
Homes of Victory 