Effective leadership is putting first things first. Effective management is discipline, carrying it out.
Stephen Covey
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Tag: family
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Define victory will you
Here at Homes of Victory, we often encourage and talk about living with a victorious mindset in the middle of the wildest season of life: kids… The question is, how do we / you define victory. Just like the word ‘success’, having a victorious mindset can have a myriad of definitions and can even be defined differently on any given day.
Let me explain, I did a happy dance tonight because I managed to fold three baskets of washing – that is a victory! Empty washing baskets. Last night, my three year old was eating some nuts she found and sneezed at the same time – spitting crunched up nuts all over my leather chair… I raised my hands in defeat as I walked off stifling a laugh to find some cleaner. If we don’t laugh we cry right. Neither situation, when analysed, is a victory or defeat – but based on my mood and perspective they were.
That aside, I hope you are starting to see my point.
Only you and your family can define what victory looks like at any given moment.
Homes of Victory
It may be a momentous victory like beating an illness, or paying down debt or a getting that job you’ve worked so hard to get. Victory can also be in the unseen, like getting a child to sleep, learning to drive, passing an exam you were nervous about.
Defeat too can be momentous. It could look like losing a job, losing a loved one, coming second when all you wanted was to be first. It could be in the tired moments – of losing a battle with a tantruming toddler, or a moody teenager. It could simply look like another pile of washing or dinner waiting to be cooked.
Whatever victory and defeat look like to you will determine how and when you live victorious. I like to think we are fairly positive and try to see the victory, see the positive, but at times like every other human defeat creeps in.
What we are trying to say is – you need to define your own victories and own them. If my kids can define a good day by how much nintendo they play or what mountain biking adventure they’ve been on then surely we can define our victory days with similar childlike mindedness.
How will you define your victory?
How will your family measure living with victorious mindsets?
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Leadership trait: Resilience
Do not judge me by my success, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again.
Nelson Mandela
The road is getting tougher and tougher – yet you keep on walking. Life is getting to you, yet you keep going – finding strength you didn’t know you had. You get through it – stronger and more victorious that you expected. Hello increased resilience. Face the battle with your weapons of determination and perseverance, standing fast knowing when you succeed and you will, you will be stronger and better for it.
The human capacity for burden is like bamboo- far more flexible than you’d ever believe at first glance.
Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper
Due to changes in my workplace I’m back working in front line customer service. I must say at many times over the past few months I’ve been on the receiving end of people’s complaints, anger, frustration and stress. Being in the firing line really doesn’t bother me… but today was different.
An elderly man asked to speak to someone I charge. As I approached him and said hello, he smiled and said, these ten words:
I don’t like to complain but I love a debate.
anon customer
I couldn’t help but smile. We had the best conversation and the issue was resolved – peacefully and swiftly.
What captured my attention was not only his perspective but his behavior. I would call it honorable. He was respectful and listened to my responses. The reason I mention listened, is because I find a lot of people like to complain, but not many like to listen to the response.
This customer who by the way turned out to be 89, showed me that maybe just maybe if we all behaved in a respectful and honorable manner more issues would be resolved peacefully. There would be less stress, less anxiety around conflict resolution. There would be more kindness and understanding – more listening and less speaking.
I know I’m going to take his 10 words into my everyday and use this perspective in my home life and workplace. What a better world we would have, it we all took his advice and approached life with an open mind, ready for a debate rather than a complaint.
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If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.
Simon Sinek
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Shaping Leaders: Michelle Obama
As I sat and watched ” Becoming”, (for those who don’t know, is the name of Michelle Obamas recent book and the documentary of the same title) so many things about leadership ran through my mind. If you have seen this documentary, I’d love to hear your thougths. If you haven’t it may be something to add to your watch list. It wasn’t all girl power like I assumed, but it was abolsutely inspiring – for men and women alike.
In terms of leadership a few things stood out to me, a few things I feel were confirmed, and other things in the documentary reaffirmed that their is so much good in this world. Here are just a few things that I thought I would share on this incredible leader in every sense of the word.
We need to choose to not be invisible: In a conversation about race, when asked how not to feel invisible, Michelle Obama’s response was it starts in your own heart and mind. She went on to say that the first place she felt seen and heard was her dining table with her family. In hearing these words from Michelle Obama, it reaffirmed the strength of what we as a family are trying to do. It also reminded me of the power parents have and the influence we have on our tribe. How do you make sure each member of your family feels seen and heard?
The haters will hate when you speak hope: One thing that stood out in her interview was, how Americans first reacted to Barak Obama, when he spoke about hope and possibility of a good future. The media, the general public – everyone it seemed got on the haters bandwagon. Michelle Obama spoke about how hard it was, to hear the oposition when, speaking about the future and the hope they had as a family for their country. Politics aside, you will come against oposition when you speak truth, speak hope and speak love. Expect it. Roll with the punches, but don’t ever stop. This world needs more kindness than ever before, more hope to live for and more joy needs to be found. Speak it out and speak it loud.
Do not let those around you dictate your success: One story stood out to me, when Michelle Obama was told by her highschool gudiance officer, to not aim to go to Princeton, because she wouldn’t make it. She knew the undertone was because of her skin colour, but that advice didnt’ stick. She made it and made it well and truly on her own merit and hard work. This achievement was one stepping stone towards meeting her future husband and future as the 44th first lady of the white house. Your success may come in any shape or size, your goals and dreams too, do not let anyone dictate to you, your future or success. Stick to your goals, work hard to achieve them, even when those around you say you can’t. You never know where one achievement will lead to.
In finishing, the lessons learnt from Michelle Obama, and their are many, these are merely a few – remember that we can be shaped by those around us, aspire to be like other leaders, but their is no one like you – be the leader in your family and life that you have been called to be.
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A man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn his back on the crowd.
Max Lucado
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Kid Speak: Curiosity
The topic I asked a 10 year old in my life to write about was: Curiosity and why it is important. Here is the response…
Why It’s Good To Be Curious In AND About Your Surroundings… by MGT
I think it’s good to be curious about your surroundings, say your house or school/work because curiosity leads to more questions, which could eventually lead to an invention that could help/save lives. With curiosity you can actually experience more. If you were curious you would want to know what an event might be like, or you might discover something important and be known for it. With curiosity you can achieve great things. I’m going to give a few examples of famous (and curious) people.
- Grace Hopper: Being a mathematician in the US Navy, Grace was a pioneer in developing computer technology. She helped create the first electronic computer and achieved many other things. That was all due to her thirst for knowledge and her curiosity in life.
- Ada Lovelace: This 19th Century Countess was the daughter of famous poet Lord Byron, who she never knew. She’s also considered the first computer programmer. Her boundless curiosity extended from maths to music and foreign languages. The curiosity is what led her to meeting Charles Babbage and they worked together to create the calculator and write many more programs.
- Amelia Earhart: One of the world’s most celebrated aviators and explorers, Amelia was an international celebrity in her time as the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic Ocean. She used her fame to encourage women to reject constrictive suitors and to pursue as many opportunities as they could. Earhart’s curiosity made her famous and she also stood up for women who were facing inequality in the world at the time.
From this you can tell, this 10 year old in my life is well read and incredibly curious. So what can we learn from this response to curiosity…
Read widely, learn about people and learn from people. You never know where being curious will take you.
Thanks MGT for your insight.
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Shaping Leaders: Nelson Mandela
Growing up I was obsessed with Nelson Mandela. To me, he was a hero. I’ve always had a social conscience and never understood how segregation based on colour could happen. Perhaps as a child I was naive, or perhaps I was raised learning what loving thy neighbour really meant. Either way, I loved reading about how he achieved what he did, how he never let his fervour for change diminish. He always had the greater good in mind. He was in my eyes a great example of what one person can do, with their choices, actions and words to literally change the world.
Whatever your opinion is of Nelson Mandela, his life, his journey, his sacrifice of ‘ normal’ – we can all learn a thing or two from him. Here are the top five things I’ve learnt from his life:
1. There is power in forgiveness – Nelson Mandela, didn’t let his imprisonment or how he was dreadfully treated rob him of his joy. He chose forgiveness as it would allow him peace, and allow him to continue to work tirelessly. Be the one to take the first steps towards peace, and forgive. It’s not easy, but worth it.
2. It’s not about me – Look with vision at the next generation and the ones to come after that. At times we can be so consumed with the task at hand, we forget to look at the bigger picture. What will your influence be, your legacy, your capacity to impact for good?
3. It only takes one – One man stood up, and fought for the rights of those around him, soon he was joined by more and change eventually followed, after oppression, imprisonment etc… Are you the one, to make the change, to have the passion, to have the determination to bring about improvements in your sphere of influence?
4. Influence is precious – use it for good. We may never know who we influence how, but it is our responsibility to try our best to influence those around us for the best. Set the example, make the sacrifice and never underestimate your influence.
5. No season is ever wasted – being sent to prison for standing up for what is right, for what you believe in is no easy feat for Nelson Mandela. In life, seasons good and bad, come and go use each season to learn and in time, wisdom and experience will be your fuel to get through.
I may not be able to portray the magnitude of impact this one man’s life has had on humanity. What I can do is learn from him and apply it to my sphere of influence. This world leader, has certainly shaped the kind of leader I want to be.
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time
We all have the same amount of time in a day, our choice is how we use it. At times I expect too much from time and try and squeeze too many tasks into a short spaces of time. I also get frustrated when I don’t get everything done, when I want it done. This idiosyncrasy is one thing that really tends to bother my husband, who is laid back, productive in his work, but laid back all the same. For us time, has been an issue, time and time again ( pardon the pun). I absolutely hate being late, he doesn’t mind being late, so we are often late – defined as later than I want to be.. this has been cause of tension, added to as we have three children, with their own perception of time – you get what I mean, leaving in half an hour really means in an hour and a half. You say ‘ were leaving’ and they hear… change your socks to cleaner ones, swap the things in your lunch box with each other and fight about where to sit in the car.
Time management is the process of planning and controlling how much time you spend on a specific activity
On a serious note, time is one thing that needs to be managed in a way that works for every member of your family. My husband and I over time have worked it out, it is still a work in progress but nonetheless, parameters have been put in place to ensure big blow ups don’t occur over time.
Some key skills in time management are as follows:
- organisation
- planning
- prioritisation
- goal setting
- delegation
- stress management
Sound familiar? A friend once asked if the definition of freedom, is having a toilet trained child. How much effort and planning and strategising goes into toilet training. This is just one example of what parents do on a constant (note I didn’t say regular), constant basis. We are all probably better at time management than we give ourselves credit for.
In terms of applying time management skills to family life I came across an excellent list of what to include in creating a time management plan. I have altered it slightly to make it relevant to family life.
1. Pick two or three tasks at a time
2. Review the tasks – what outcome are you trying to achieve?
3. You can’t do it all by yourself
4. Use tools
Use the above list to start mapping out some tasks that you can review and make changes to, to improve your time management and level of busy in your family.
In the next post about time, I will share a few things that have helped our family work on our time management.
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Finding Strength
I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling like I have some sort of COVID fatigue. Where life is still not how it was, even though I don’t really want it to go back to exactly how it was ( read: too busy) , then at the same time, I am liking this somewhat forced down time. Even if it means less in the finances and more in the time tank.
At the beginning of COVID and our first lockdown our family embarked on a daily afternoon walk. We began to love exploring our neighbourhood one street at a time. On one street close to ours, we found written in chalk on a block wall the words,
Stay Strong…. I whispered to my Wi-Fi.
A friendly neighbour…
We loved this ‘encouragement’ and crack a smile every time we pass it. In perfect positioning, our area has terrible internet and with everyone working from home, by lunch time the internet frequently needed a siesta. So this quote is very apt.
Even though this makes us chuckle every time we pass it, and we wanted to ‘socially distant’ high five the person that cheers us up, we soberly realised that we did need to stay strong… we didn’t know how long it would last and sadly we are at the start of a second wave, where lockdowns are starting to occur again.
Here at Homes of Victory, we want to encourage you to stay strong. Tell us how you are staying strong, through this unprecedented year of change. We would love to share your story with other readers to encourage them.
How are you staying strong during this time?
What type of humor reminds you to make the most of the season, even when in all seriousness it is awful?
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Leadership trait: Humility
Every person that you meet knows something you don’t: learn from them.
H. Jackson Brown Jr.
Humility is attractive. Humility is a magnet for integrity, collaboration, appreciation, and acknowledgement. Humility attracts staff, who will want to work with you, look forward to being around you and motivated by you. They know you will acknowledge their efforts, appreciate their hard work, and offer a human side to leadership.
Likewise, when we are humble in our homes, humble toward our children, we show them reality, the realness of life. Yes, difficulties arise, and challenges are met – not perfectly but to the best of our abilities. Granted it may take humiliation to encourage our humility but if our families witness it firsthand, how much more are they going to value us as parents. How much more are they going to value humility and being humble themselves. In turn they will begin to value integrity, want to receive our appreciation, be acknowledged, and finally behave like this towards others.
Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it’s thinking of yourself less.
C. S. Lewis
Never curse a fall. The ground is where humility lives.
Yasmin Mogahed
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If one is lucky, a solitary fantasy can totally transform one million realities.
Maya Angelou
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measuring success 3
I’ve worked in several workplaces, experienced and facilitated a range of performance appraisals. Apologies, I can hear you sighing already – but stay with me. At one workplace, I copied and pasted my answers to each appraisal question for seven years and no one noticed. In my current workplace, performance appraisals are taken seriously and actually contribute to motivating and encouraging staff. Performance appraisals often use stagnant criteria to measure success without taking into account the person, but rather just their output. I love conducting performance reviews as it allows me to connect with my team members, encourage them on a personal level and get to know their personal and corporate goals.
In your family, how do you measure your success? What kind of appraisal do you give your self? What motivates you? In all honesty, for several years our goals slipped by the way side and if we could bath, feed and get our kids to sleep we were winners. All too often though, we would flop into bed and ask each other if we felt defeated. Not a nice feeling.
One thing that we have started to do, is not only set goals that have easy to use success measures, but have found a way for our kids to appraise our performance as parents without them knowing. We’ve taught them to write cards to us every Christmas, birthday, Mothers and Fathers day. They need to tell us three things they like and why. At times the words out of the mouth of babes, have been a source of encouragement and joy. Its easy to be negative and think about what you could have done better but sometimes you need a little wisdom from the younger generation. Once my daughter wrote at the ending of her card that I was the best cook in the world. Hilarious, my cooking is mediocre at best – but not to her. If she sees the best in me, then maybe I should try to do the same. One time our boy wrote that his favourite time with Dad was at home. Nothing spectacular but it shows how he enjoys the every day. Another note we got was about how funny Dad’s, Dad jokes are. It showed us in the silly and the busy that we are doing okay. Our kids notice the little things and so should we.
Navigating success or the feeling of it where kids are kids, life is busy and no end seems to be in sight, it often feels like an ongoing negotiation where we just need to find a solution. I recently learnt that the reward for navigating one challenge is the next challenge. It doesn’t sound too inspiring does it, but in reality it is. The season of kids when working though what family life looks like with additional people in it, is often hard to measure let alone be seen as a success. I encourage you that as a family, learn from each challenge – look for the small wins.” I folded some washing today”, ” I was thanked for lunch today”. Once you start speaking the good, you’ll think of more good. See the good and it will flow into your feeling of success. This in turn will encourage you to keep on keeping on and setting goals and living the life you want.
Think about how your kids encourage you? What things do they say or do that really gives you an idea of how they see you?
List some things that you have learnt due to facing some challenges in the season of children.
Encourage one another as a family to talk about the good things that have come from the challenges you have faced. See the joy of overcoming challenges.
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in conversation with Zafer & Erin
You know when you meet someone and you automatically know you’ll be friends for life… well Erin is that person for me. We grew up together, having sleepovers, playing sport, loving life. As we got older, our husbands came on the scene and as it happens in life, it takes you to places in ways you could never imagine. The one thing that has stayed, is our love for each other and deep rooted friendship. We’ve literally been thousands of miles apart for years, we see each other about once every three or so years, but the friendship has remained. Thank heavens for technology where we can talk anytime and be in contact when we want to be. In this conversation, Erin will show you brave in its rawest form, together they will show you love on a deep level, and show you how life doesn’t have to be what society expects. Enjoy.
Due to COVID-19 and Zafers job, he is currently away and has been for months, unable to get home. So Erin has spoken to me, on his behalf also.
Who are the members of your family?
My husband and I have twin girls who are 9 years old.
Are you planners or do you go with the flow?
When he is home we love to plan, it does seem to work out most of the time as his time home is limited so we pack it in to enjoy our time together. Although we get tired, we have made so many memories this way.
When my husband is not here, I tend to just go with the flow for my girl’s sake and not have every weekend planned, as we have school/sports/extra activities that take a lot of time.
What does your normal week look like?
When Zafer is home we take turns getting up for school drop-offs. We spend as much time together as possible, but at the same time want to give each other space to see our own friends and have alone time. Sounds weird?!?!
Because I’m still learning Turkish and with the cultural inferiority of women (and then Foreign women) I leave the big jobs that need to be done around the house or with the car till when he is home. This what tends to take up the first few weeks.
We have many friends and family over on weekends so we can all catch up as they want to see Zafer. Here, if you are a single parent/ person, you don’t usually get invited or included in other families plans, so when Zafer is home, there is lots of making up for lost time.
When Zafer is home it takes a huge load off of me parenting, and the kids are happy with this balance, and love showing him how well behaved and responsible they are.
When Zafer is away with work, we all count down the days till he comes home back to us. It’s hard with no male balance. In Turkish culture, discipline is nearly nonexistent (no bedtime, sugar whenever the child feels like, Mums cook multiple meals to keep everyone happy, screen time all the time, no basic manners…). So I do struggle to find a balance between my extremely strict upbringing to the other extreme, of no discipline. I have a very strong support base here of foreigners and Turkish girls who can speak good English. We support and learn from each other.
A typical week… school for the girls with basketball training after school 2 days a week. I attend pottery courses, help out at school, try to see someone from my husbands family (Sister/cousin/aunty) … it’s huge, and they are very lovely warm welcoming people. I love them.
Weekends consist of working around basketball training and homework. We love to go walking in the forest, trying a new breakfast place with friends, ride bikes or rollerblader by the Bosphorus, try to relax… ( but my kids love activity and action…)
Not only does your husband have a job where he is away for months at a time, you also moved to live in his home country, learnt the language and have raised your kids there. How do you ensure your relationship stays in tact?
We worked together in the same environment for three years and together lived with the girls at his workplace for another six years, I understand the stresses he goes through with his job and I know the people he works with. Not an easy life to live, but I understand it and he knows that. We have to share about everything! We share happiness, frustration, stress, joy, big and little things. This keeps us involved in each other’s lives and we both feel ‘connected’.
We found at the beginning of him coming that he was VERY sensitive to stress and negativity, and I was having a hard time moving over and sharing the ‘decision maker/head of the house’ role after him being away for so long. After the realization that we were not happy when he was home and not happy at all being apart, we then made our action plans to suck it up a bit and move over to make space for the other in a real life setting TOGETHER (not a work environment or trying to tough it out on our own). It has worked!!! We talk about our concerns before he comes home and prepare ourselves so we can each try to control our frustrations. I have really tried to learn Turkish, and become independent here. We bought a car and got my drivers license here, so I am fully independent. I don’t feel restricted in anyway. I do appreciate that my husband has helped this happen and allows me to live without questioning me at all.
What is the one thing that is most important to your family, when your Husband / their Dad is away? How do you make it work?
Talking talking talking, also a lot of prayer.We talk almost every day. We pray for each other that God will protect the heart and eyes from what the devil may try to bring to distract and tempt us.
The girls are not interested in talking on the phone with their Dad but they do keep a diary (most days) telling him what happened today or how they feel, or just a drawing. We tell stories about him, reminisce on the times he was home, and what we want to do when we comes home next time.
If you could give one piece of advice what would it be?
I had no idea THIS was going to be where I would live or how I would live without my husband half the year. I believe life does not deal you something you are unable to deal with. You will be pushed and stretched but not broken!!
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