Success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be.
George Sheehan
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All – rounder…
I was flicking through a book titled 50 leaders who changed history, by Charles Philips and came across the list of what the author identified as leadership qualities. Some of which I have not really considered prior, as I have only worked in the social science field. I am used to traits such as open mindedness, collaborative and leading by example – these are the softer (yet strong qualities) that do get things done. Adding to the list of leadership traits listed include being disruptors, combative and defiant type leaders. After reading through the short bios of each leader, it became clearer to me that their type of leadership whether with the hindsight of history, whether they were right or wrong, on most occasions their leadership style befitted the change in history they contributed to.
Mother Teresa for example – was a ‘lead by example’ leader, Margaret Thatcher was considered a ‘combative’ leader. Pablo Picasso was mentioned for his ‘innovative’ leadership style – he was credited with challenging the limits of art and bringing art into mainstream culture. This book is a fascinating read of leaders throughout the generations.
Reading about the various types of leaders and the particular style they were known for, I was challenged about my own leadership style, both in the workplace and at home. You see, we may know what type of leader we are in our own situation, but do we have in us, some of the opposite qualities to enable us to truly lead in all situations?
With that said, I am more aware of making sure the leader, I have worked hard to be, is not done growing yet. I need the capacity to be a disruptor – at the right time. I also need to learn more combative traits – to pull out at the right time. What about you?
When was the last time, you were challenged to adapt your leadership style? Did you have the tools at hand?
Take some time to give some thought to how you can become more well-rounded. There is nothing like being prepared for all situations…
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communication
One thing I love about applying management and leadership tools to family life is the word that keeps popping up ‘ expectation’. I feel this word sums up how the family blueprint can positively impact your family as it sets a level of expectation in many areas of life. The expectation of behaviour, expectation of good, better and best and the expectation of outcomes. Communication is key to setting expectations and navigating obstacles in life.
When writing a communication plan in a project so many elements come together to ensure all stakeholders are informed and are taken on the project journey. Elements of the plan include:
- The purpose or goals of the communication plan
- Information about stakeholders and their roles
- The types of information that needed to be shared with stakeholders
- The methods used to communicate
- The frequency that each stakeholder would like to receive information
Breaking this down, it could read as follows for families:
- Why we communicate
- What we communicate
- How we communicate and with who
- The methods we use to communicate different sets of information
- How often we communicate
Also other important elements of a communication plan, once again altered so it can apply to your family:
- Creates written documentation for reference
- Sets expectations
- Increases transparency
- Provides the opportunity for feedback
- Increases productivity
When stating it creates written documentation – what I will point out is, my family doesn’t have it written down and probably never will. What we have done is talked about it a million times and neither of us will forget the Why, What and Who of our communication plan. Whether you feel your plan needs to be documented or not, remember that excellent communication is the foundation of navigating life’s obstacle course. It will determine how positive or negative the journey through an obstacle will be and how it is resolved. Communication is key.
Start thinking about and writing down the good, the bad and the ugly in your family communication?
What would you like to improve? How do you think that can happen?
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Define victory will you
Here at Homes of Victory, we often encourage and talk about living with a victorious mindset in the middle of the wildest season of life: kids… The question is, how do we / you define victory. Just like the word ‘success’, having a victorious mindset can have a myriad of definitions and can even be defined differently on any given day.
Let me explain, I did a happy dance tonight because I managed to fold three baskets of washing – that is a victory! Empty washing baskets. Last night, my three year old was eating some nuts she found and sneezed at the same time – spitting crunched up nuts all over my leather chair… I raised my hands in defeat as I walked off stifling a laugh to find some cleaner. If we don’t laugh we cry right. Neither situation, when analysed, is a victory or defeat – but based on my mood and perspective they were.
That aside, I hope you are starting to see my point.
Only you and your family can define what victory looks like at any given moment.
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It may be a momentous victory like beating an illness, or paying down debt or a getting that job you’ve worked so hard to get. Victory can also be in the unseen, like getting a child to sleep, learning to drive, passing an exam you were nervous about.
Defeat too can be momentous. It could look like losing a job, losing a loved one, coming second when all you wanted was to be first. It could be in the tired moments – of losing a battle with a tantruming toddler, or a moody teenager. It could simply look like another pile of washing or dinner waiting to be cooked.
Whatever victory and defeat look like to you will determine how and when you live victorious. I like to think we are fairly positive and try to see the victory, see the positive, but at times like every other human defeat creeps in.
What we are trying to say is – you need to define your own victories and own them. If my kids can define a good day by how much nintendo they play or what mountain biking adventure they’ve been on then surely we can define our victory days with similar childlike mindedness.
How will you define your victory?
How will your family measure living with victorious mindsets?
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Effective leadership is putting first things first. Effective management is discipline, carrying it out.
Stephen Covey
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Leadership trait: Resilience
Do not judge me by my success, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again.
Nelson Mandela
The road is getting tougher and tougher – yet you keep on walking. Life is getting to you, yet you keep going – finding strength you didn’t know you had. You get through it – stronger and more victorious that you expected. Hello increased resilience. Face the battle with your weapons of determination and perseverance, standing fast knowing when you succeed and you will, you will be stronger and better for it.
The human capacity for burden is like bamboo- far more flexible than you’d ever believe at first glance.
Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper
Due to changes in my workplace I’m back working in front line customer service. I must say at many times over the past few months I’ve been on the receiving end of people’s complaints, anger, frustration and stress. Being in the firing line really doesn’t bother me… but today was different.
An elderly man asked to speak to someone I charge. As I approached him and said hello, he smiled and said, these ten words:
I don’t like to complain but I love a debate.
anon customer
I couldn’t help but smile. We had the best conversation and the issue was resolved – peacefully and swiftly.
What captured my attention was not only his perspective but his behavior. I would call it honorable. He was respectful and listened to my responses. The reason I mention listened, is because I find a lot of people like to complain, but not many like to listen to the response.
This customer who by the way turned out to be 89, showed me that maybe just maybe if we all behaved in a respectful and honorable manner more issues would be resolved peacefully. There would be less stress, less anxiety around conflict resolution. There would be more kindness and understanding – more listening and less speaking.
I know I’m going to take his 10 words into my everyday and use this perspective in my home life and workplace. What a better world we would have, it we all took his advice and approached life with an open mind, ready for a debate rather than a complaint.
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time summary
Getting a grip on time management in family life can be challenging. I often hear parents say, “how to I make time when I have none – I can’t even shower alone”, “how can I work on my relationship when we are like ships in the night”. Here are some final thoughts on time – in family life.
Be intentional
Block out time in your calendar for family time. Nothing can override that time and it needs to be a priority.
Also, block out time for each other. Even if it’s one hour a week – to just stop and chat, play a game, discuss a book, learn about each other. This is not a time to watch TV or look at a screen, but time to really invest into your relationship.
One on one time
This may be at home or out and about – but make sure every family member gets a chance to feel special, feel listened to and feel encouraged. It could be a matter of taking a child with you to get petrol, it could be taking one of them to do groceries, it could be a parent / child date night – whatever it is, there is great value in one on one time – even if it’s squeezed into the busy of life.
One change
What is one thing that can be changed to make a big difference? Is it a matter of adjusting work hours, could it be changing a child’s music lesson to another day, is it deciding that take out is in order on a particular night of the week, so everyone gets to bed on time?
However you make time management work for your family, take heart you are doing the best you can. Be encouraged that the investment you make now in your family, will never return to you void.
Do not fool yourself into thinking it’s about the amount of time, or how you managed it, it will be about the quality time you carved out in the busy that will make all the difference.
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Of the few things you still control… your choices, your attitude both determine your future. Choose carefully.
Dave Ramsey
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Beware of destination addiction. The idea that happiness is the next place, the next job or even with the next partner. Until you give up the idea that happiness is somewhere else, it’ll never be where you are.
Robert Holden
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Some of the best advice I’ve been given: Never take critisim from people you would never go to for advice.
Morgan Freeman
What a wonderful reminder. In our world of keyboard warriors who seek nothing more than to destroy confidence, this advice is outstanding. Remember who you go to advice for and why. It’s never going to be the anonomys person on the other end of the wi-fi.
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If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.
Simon Sinek
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Shaping Leaders: Michelle Obama
As I sat and watched ” Becoming”, (for those who don’t know, is the name of Michelle Obamas recent book and the documentary of the same title) so many things about leadership ran through my mind. If you have seen this documentary, I’d love to hear your thougths. If you haven’t it may be something to add to your watch list. It wasn’t all girl power like I assumed, but it was abolsutely inspiring – for men and women alike.
In terms of leadership a few things stood out to me, a few things I feel were confirmed, and other things in the documentary reaffirmed that their is so much good in this world. Here are just a few things that I thought I would share on this incredible leader in every sense of the word.
We need to choose to not be invisible: In a conversation about race, when asked how not to feel invisible, Michelle Obama’s response was it starts in your own heart and mind. She went on to say that the first place she felt seen and heard was her dining table with her family. In hearing these words from Michelle Obama, it reaffirmed the strength of what we as a family are trying to do. It also reminded me of the power parents have and the influence we have on our tribe. How do you make sure each member of your family feels seen and heard?
The haters will hate when you speak hope: One thing that stood out in her interview was, how Americans first reacted to Barak Obama, when he spoke about hope and possibility of a good future. The media, the general public – everyone it seemed got on the haters bandwagon. Michelle Obama spoke about how hard it was, to hear the oposition when, speaking about the future and the hope they had as a family for their country. Politics aside, you will come against oposition when you speak truth, speak hope and speak love. Expect it. Roll with the punches, but don’t ever stop. This world needs more kindness than ever before, more hope to live for and more joy needs to be found. Speak it out and speak it loud.
Do not let those around you dictate your success: One story stood out to me, when Michelle Obama was told by her highschool gudiance officer, to not aim to go to Princeton, because she wouldn’t make it. She knew the undertone was because of her skin colour, but that advice didnt’ stick. She made it and made it well and truly on her own merit and hard work. This achievement was one stepping stone towards meeting her future husband and future as the 44th first lady of the white house. Your success may come in any shape or size, your goals and dreams too, do not let anyone dictate to you, your future or success. Stick to your goals, work hard to achieve them, even when those around you say you can’t. You never know where one achievement will lead to.
In finishing, the lessons learnt from Michelle Obama, and their are many, these are merely a few – remember that we can be shaped by those around us, aspire to be like other leaders, but their is no one like you – be the leader in your family and life that you have been called to be.
I’ve listed below a few things that have helped our family work on our time management skills in every sense of the word.
1. Boundaries of busy
As a parent I always felt like I was juggling and only one ball away from dropping them all. I love to be busy, I love to achieve, I love to come up with projects at home to work on etc. I just love to be busy. When kids came along I was no longer just busy with what was inside my brain, but busy with what you need to do when raising a family. I had all these perceptions that I could do it all, but in reality I literally didn’t have time – that’s if I included time to sleep and eat.
Over time we have developed a few boundaries, that are still flexible but there to remind us (but mostly me), of our time management plans and the level of busy we feel is optimal for our family. At times I have found these boundaries hard to stick to, as I am sucker for punishment, and feel I can achieve more in a small space of time than what is actually possible. I think at this point I will blame my personality type… With that said, I do believe and agree with the boundaries that we have put in place as a family, as it ensures we have down time, headspace and time to enjoy each other.
Do you have agreements in place, that are hard to stick to? Take the time to remember the benefits and why you made the decision in the first place.
Do you need to put some boundaries in place to reduce the busy in your life?
2. Quality over Quantity
How much do you value time in your family? When I say time in this context I am not talking about an amount of time but rather the quality of it. As a family we decided to prioritise dinner time as family time. Every family member knows dinner is at 6pm and they need to be at the table ready. Even my husband who has a busy job, knows that he is expected (by all of us)to be home and at the table – unless he is lets us know. My husband has an amazing capacity to switch off, spend quality time with us (as expected) and resume his work after dinner if he needs to. For us as a family this is the quality we crave. It may only be half an hour a day, but it is a chance to share, joke, laugh and even cry sometimes.
Have a think about how you could spend frequent quality time with your family? How does it fit into your routine and schedule? What changes could you make to add quality time to your routine?
3. Bring in the help
Along the way we have started using some apps that have literally revolutionised how we communicate about logistics and it has saved us time in the process.
shared calendar
A shared calendar has revolutionised our lives and made communicating so much easier and quicker. It also gave us more freedom. We simply said when it comes to the calendar whoever has their event in first, gets it- mind you we have negotiated at times . I remembered to use the calendar fast as I am awesome at having everything in my head and not in the a calendar. ( There is more on communication tools in the communication plan posts)
money tracker
We’ve been using pocketbook for our money conversations. We can track spending and savings and also see where we are at when unexpected circumstances arise. It has been a great tool, and has saved us time and enabled more effective communication.
Other types of help that can alleviate time pressures is outsourcing some tasks, work creatively to divvy up household tasks, potentially work less hours, review how you work out the logistics of your week.
What do you currently use to help with your time management? Spend some time researching some apps that would be suitable for your situation and encourage better time management.
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A man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn his back on the crowd.
Max Lucado
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