Homes of Victory
When it comes to developing character strength, inner security and unique personal and interpersonal talents and skills in a child, no institution can or ever will compare with, or effectively substitute for, the home’s potential for positive influence.
Stephen Covey
Winning doesn’t always mean being first. Winning means you’re doing better than you’ve done before.
Bonnie Blair
The most dangerous leadership myth is that leaders are born-that there is a genetic factor to leadership. That’s nonsense; in fact, the opposite is true. Leaders are made rather than born.
Warren Bennis
In the rhythms of my new workplace -of which I have now been at for 6 months – I can’t believe how time flies – the one thing I love about it, is the encouragement of self-care. We all run at a fast pace from week to week, and the first question asked at our last team meeting was – What are you going to do over the next 3 months to look after yourself? This question was asked before our planning took place, before all of the details of the next 3 months were spread out – like a clogged calendar of work… I wish to highlight at this point – this question was asked at the start of the meeting – not after all of the work was laid out and self-care was forced to slip in somewhere, maybe along the way if possible. No, it was first. It needs to be priority. We had some laughs as we went around the room, about how we all intended to self-care – answers ranged from booking annual leave to watching the Olympics – while trying to not get too tired to planning work flows better so it’s not overwhelming.
Recognizing the need for self-care in a way that you as an individual needs it– is becoming more common in the workplace – so too is empathy and all sorts of other emotional tools that we can use to relate better to each other, work better together, achieve greater goals, and ultimately become better individuals.
Bene Brown aptly states that:
It takes courage to say yes to rest and play in a culture where exhaustion is seen as a status symbol
Brene Brown
What status symbol are you chasing? Have a good think about it, What is it that you are chasing? My question to you is why? After why, I’m going to ask again – why?
I’ve struggled over time with this question of: What I am chasing and the reason behind it. I’ve struggled with the question of what am I sacrificing to chase, what am I gaining – it’s has to be more than the thrill of the chase. Keep asking yourself why – until you are satisfied with the answer. If all you are getting at the end of the day is exhaustion at the expense of rest and play – ask yourself, is it really worth it?
Following on from the previous post – measuring success, here are some things we’ve learnt as we have started to put a criteria together to measure our success as a family. If you haven’t read the previous post, now would be a good time, to give the following context.
“Who” or ” What” is telling us the measure of success? The world external to us or internal contributions like ourselves and our family? I am not the car I drive, the job I work in, the home I live in, nor am I the social media account. I am simply me. Yes, we have goals, but they should be mine and set by me – not anyone else. The internal contributors should be the defining measure of success. All too often it is the external voices that influence us the most. The fine line here of comparison becomes clearer. If I have a better car, if my kids have a private education, if my home is a bigger – the list goes on. The scary thing about comparison is, it doesn’t stop. Putting the brakes on comparison and asking what are the contributing factors that make you happy, is an interesting question. One that may take a while to absorb and think through. The world is full of marketing and promotions that tell you to be the best you must have the best, until the next thing comes along. What voices are you listening to, and what images are you looking at – to feed your measure of success? It may not be easy to turn off the external factors, but the internal voice of yourself and your family needs to speak loud and clear as you take the time to listen. You need to determine your own measure of success, don’t let the collective culture of social media, advertising etc determine that.
What external factors do you allow to influence your measure of success?
How can you make your internal influences louder when you measure the success of your family?
2. Comparison will rob your joy
If you feel like you are on the bandwagon of comparison it can be a hard thing to jump off, but you need to find a way. Even for a day, week or month. When you compare yourself to others including strangers, your family, your children, your home, your have and have nots – it literally steals your joy. All you see is the could, should, would haves. Not what you do have. I become profoundly thankful for toilets after I watched a Netflix episode of ‘ inside Bills brain’. It was about a sanitization project The Bill and Melinda Gates foundation is working on. It made me realise just how much I take simple luxuries for granted, such as running water, garbage collection, electricity, solar power etc… By stopping and being thankful and noticing just how much I do have in my daily life, it has enabled me to stop thinking about the next buy, the next gadget, the next item of clothing and step back and look at our long-term more strategic goals and how I can achieve them. Jumping off the comparison bandwagon was hard for me, it was a conscious thing I needed to do over a period of weeks to change my thinking. All I can say is, it’s been worth it. Don’t let comparison steal your joy.
Think of ways that you compare yourself or your family to others? How can you counter act that comparison?
Determine a time frame for which you and your family will jump off the comparison bandwagon – a day, week, month, year. Add the end date to your calendar and reassess how you view comparison.
3. F… is it really a fail?
Finally, how do you perceive failure? As an adult I have struggled with a out of proportion fear of failure. I’ve worked through it… slowly. In our family, as a team we’ve decided that how the world perceives failure is not how we are going to perceive it. If we aim for something and we don’t achieve it, we are going to still look for the good and the lessons learnt during the process. We may not feel like celebrating a failure like some companies now do, but we will absolutely see it as a positive and use it to inspire us to be a little more creative, to step up a little more and to dig a bit deeper to reach the goals we set. With that said, we know we need to set reasonable goals to start with.
How do you and your family percieve failure?
What do you think you could do to make it a more positve experience?
4. A renewed sense of time
When telling a friend about our plan to not buy new in 2020, her first response was ” What about the Boxing day sales, you love them”. This is true, but I was able to respond with a smile saying, ” We went to the beach instead”. From this I realised, without even thinking, I chose quality family time over spending money on things I don’t need. You know how the saying goes:
We buy things we don’t need, with money we don’t have to impress people we don’t like.
Dave Ramsey – The total money makeover: A proven plan for financial fitness
The time we would have spent wrangling kids at a busy shopping centre on the weekend, for no real reason, has been transformed into meaningful family time. Our measure of success is no longer the bargain we snagged, but rather asking ourselves at the end of the day, ” Are the kids worn out from a day of fun?” ” Are their love tanks full?”. The interesting thing is, when we have family time, the smiles on the kids faces and the spontaneous hugs we get is amazing. We have found ourselves really proud that we could make the kids feel so full and loved that it overflows. A love full love tank is definitely a new addition to our success criteria.
What does your family value at its core? ( For us we’ve realised it’s time, read the post – )
Once you start gathering your crierteria of family success, this will feed into your family blueprint. Write down some elements that contribute to your family’s measurement of success?
Comparison will lead you down the path of compromise and competition. Believe me, you don’t want to go there.
Lisa Bevere
Loneliness is something we often think of as – out there. We know that loneliness exists – but in truth it happens everywhere. We can’t see it and we don’t know it until we are told about it. Loneliness never looks the same for any one and never discriminates. The thing is loneliness has always existed but now in 2021 it has become a pandemic in its own right – a killer of sorts (as suicide rates are skyrocketing) a destroyer of confidence, like a broken wire in the capacity to connect. I am not trying to dwell on the negative but give a foundation to both a challenge and new perspective. A new perspective that perhaps we all need.
To put loneliness into context… Britain has a minister for loneliness, Japan has also just nominated one… loneliness is not just something that we feel alone in our homes. The world around us, is experiencing loneliness of pandemic proportions that national governments, are making it a parliamentary priority. I am not sure I can list too many other social issues (not crime related) that have this level of priority.
As much as I hate this, it is so clear, that loneliness is all around us – magnified by COVID and the ramifications of lockdowns, job losses, family separated by halted travel and the list continues. The perspective I want to encourage is that of looking outwards, not focusing on the negative that may be impacting us, but how we can be the answer to those around us. I frame the perspective with the words – TOGETHER is my answer to loneliness. Together meaning if we all – as individuals make a choice to change our perspective and to step just a little out of our comfort zone, the difference with can make is enormous.
If we ALL look out for the ones when we go through our day – the ones, who may be carrying loneliness, the ones who may be carrying isolation, grief, loss the list goes on. If we challenge ourselves to speak to someone, we’ve never met, if we show an interest in others – this challenge will be met – slowly, steadily, and positively. The more we notice the ones, the more those around us will take note and be encouraged to be part of the answer. If we all begin to notice those in our lives during the week, those that may need a word of encouragement, a listening ear, someone to acknowledge them – be mindful and take the time to just do it – take the time to chat, take the time to be kind, take the time to notice. Be the one, who makes a difference in some ones day.
You will be surprised and so encouraged by the outcome of your kindness and thoughtfulness. What will you plan to do today to perhaps -lend a listening ear, be the one to acknowledge some one, to give an encouraging word…
Who we are?
So you think you know each other… Answer me this, how you would your other half respond to the following questions?
We came across this book in Typo … ” What if”
Guess the other person’s answer, then ask them for their answer and have good laugh. If your kids are old enough have some family time and ask them these questions too. We had some great family laughs listening to the ‘why’ in their answer.
Did you already know your partners answers? Did some answers surprise you? At times, we think we know the person we do life with, other times we are surprised, perhaps disappointed or other times completely in awe of how they handled a situation.
A great place to start when navigating life’s obstacle course is to really know the person you do life with. Not just as friends or lovers, but know how they really tick – in all circumstances. Know how they will handle stress, if they are a fight or flight kinda person or if they will lead the charge – just know who they are.
We came across a great website through some work training we did, Http://16personalities.com/. We have never before come across such a detailed and accurate personality test. The results work through the personality strengths and weaknesses, parenting style, career paths, friendships, romantic relationships and workplace habits.
The interesting thing about the results was, I learnt so much more about the guy I do life with, and I thought I knew him well. His response to my results were to predict what I was going to say as I read them out loud to him. Jokes aside we both learnt more about each other, even though we’ve been together for 17 years. Even though our kids are too young to take this personality test, we can see some of our personality traits in them, by knowing who they are in a more detailed way we have been able to connect with our kids better. It has also, made us both aware of each others strengths and weaknesses and we can work together on strengthening the weaknesses – which is always a good thing.
In case you are wondering I am married to a protagonist and I am a defender.
Take the time to go through the quiz and enjoy learning more about yourself and each other. It will absolutely help lay the foundations for navigating the obstacle course – as you will get to know eachother better.
Write down 5 things you learnt about yourself and about the one you do life with. Use these things to grow your relationship and build a firm foundation of understanding each other.
Goals are dreams with work boots on…
Dave Ramsey
We’ve looked at who we are and now we are going to look at what we need. In this post, we will look at being aware of the needs of our relationship, children and family as a whole.
What we perceive as a need and want can often be confused. To set the scene I’ve gone back to the definitions of both words.
A need is defined as, we require something as it is essential rather than just desirable.
Dictionary.com
A want is defined as have a desire to possess, or do something, wish.
Dictionary.com
Often in leadership we look at Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. As employers and employees we too have needs that need to be met in order for us to feel purposeful and fulfilled in our role. In a family situation, I believe individuals and families have a hierarchy of needs that need to be met.
Part of figuring out what our family hierarchy of needs are, was taking a close look at the five languages of love. Reading the book for adults (and there is one for children), has completely changed how we view each other and our kids. It taught us so many things it was incredible. If you haven’t heard of the five languages of love before or need a refresher, check it out here.
Layering our family hierarchy of needs on top of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs looks a bit like this:
Time is our large base layer – this is what we as a family need the most. Time together. Without it we all feel like we are all falling apart. After a busy weekend of kids birthdays, sport and socialising, I find my kids are far more snugly and less likely to go to bed on their own. They prefer to go into our bed all together with us, chat and fall asleep together. They need their family time hit. Other needs I feel our family has in order of hierarchy is words of affirmation and acts of service. It’s just who we are.
What are the things that you feel make up your family hierarchy of needs?
The individuals who make up our family have varying needs in terms of their own hierarchy of needs. For example one child pretty much lives for physical affection. If I was given a dollar for every time I was asked for a cuddle, I would be a billionaire – no joke. Another child, is a words of affirmation and a love letter under the pillow works wonders for the soul. My third child is completely a time person. Asking them, what their favourite thing to do is and the response will be, at home with everyone. Ask them what they want to do and its always an activity with the word ‘ together’ tacked onto it.
It is important to learn the needs your family has both as individuals and as a whole – it’s not just a personality thing, I believe it’s layered on top of it. So often we can assume, the family needs this or that, so let’s do it. Then we wonder why the whining and complaining starts. I’m not saying change your family activities in light of the whining but take time to listen to the needs of your family and be responsive to them.
Small changes make big differences.
Homes of Victory
For example I am not a words of affirmation person, but my husband is. I’ve had to learn, to say out loud what I think about him, as he loves to hear it. Likewise, I am not a touchy feely person, and having a child who is, has really tested my patience and character. I will always cuddle as I know that’s what they need and love. But I’ve really had to check my attitude – when I am giving the cuddle. Am I rushing, am I rolling my eyes, am I really giving them what they need, which is a big bear hug with two arms. I love it that I’ve learnt to pay attention and respond accordingly, as it is a way of filling up their love tank, but also giving each person in my family what they need. Likewise, my husband knows that since kids have come on the scene I am an acts of service person. Recently, I snuck off to have a nap, which I only do if I am desperately tired. He, kept the kids quiet, unpacked the dishwasher, cleaned it and cleaned the entire kitchen while I was asleep. I know a million brownie points right there. He woke me up as we needed to go out, but as he did, he mentioned he had a love gift for me. Leading me to the kitchen, I nearly cried. Not only had I had an hour of uninterrupted sleep, the kitchen was ready for the next round of cooking. He knew it was something I would appreciate and so he did it with purpose.
By knowing the needs of your family members, it will go a long way to knowing who they are, and what they need, not only in times of calm but when the obstacles of life come.
Think about what your families hierarchy of needs looks like. How do the five languages of love fit into the equation.
Draw your own triangle and add in your family needs. Create a separate triangle for each family member and see what you think there needs are. If your kids are old enough they may want to join in this activity.
The people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do.
Steve Jobs
So we have joined the puppy bandwagon. After listening to the pleas and a 30 minute power point – yes you read correct – aimed at convincing us to say yes to a new family member – we finally caved.
Say hello to Scout. Cute to look at and puppy like in every. single. way. The interesting thing about introducing a pup into the family – is the ”not yet trained” part. The kids especially my youngest cannot understand why the pup is not sitting when asked, not shaking hands or even listening to when her name is called. All of these things and more need to be learnt. We as humans need to learn things, we begin learning the minute we are born. Our brains are so incredible. Trying to explain to the kids, how the pup is untrained, and unknowing has been an interesting process. These conversations have been met especially by our youngest with questions like “why not”, “how can I teach her” and her simply repeating herself until the pup loses interest and runs off…
How many times in our lives have we come across people ahem others, who are ‘untrained’ or not trained yet like my pup? (Rest assured she is going to puppy school!) When we come across those in our lives who don’t know what they don’t know – how do we treat them? How do we perceive them? Do we give them grace, the same way we give an untrained pup? Do we use patience and care to teach them, show them, mentor them, encourage them?
So here lies the challenge – we all have areas in our lives that we don’t know what we don’t know… How will we respond to those who show us our blind spots – the areas we need to improve ( be trained in)? Likewise how will we treat those who like us, have blind spots? The answer I dare say is with kindness, grace and a whole lot of patience.
What are your thoughts on this?
In a day and age when products are built to only last a short amount of time, when marketing and promotions are becoming more subtle yet more in your face, how do we move beyond having the latest and greatest and measure success in real terms. Rather than always wanting more, how do we become satisfied and dare I say content with who we are and what we have?
This year our family is embarking on an adventure of not buying anything new. Before your mind wanders, we do have a list of exceptions that includes undies, socks, school books and food. As a family, if we want / need to buy new we will first work on finding a solution that involves recycling, reusing or refusing. If it falls into the want category it is automatically refused. Tough hey.
We have worked through the differences between need and want, the need for discipline when wanting to simply wander the shops for the sake of it, not adding things to our home just because and becoming more creative and slowing down to appreciate what we already have. In all honestly, we have more than enough and I instigated this adventure initially to save money. The kids became excited about the sustainability aspect as we all jumped on board. My excitement I do admit dissipated fairly quickly as I realised I couldn’t buy any new plants… With that said, seven months in and all family members are still on the bandwagon and we have been more creative and thoughtful with our purchases.
Taking time to think about a success criteria for our family project, got us thinking in broader terms of what type of criteria makes up, how successful we feel in life. It is easy for us to list the things that make us feel more successful – like career, car, home, kids, education. Digging a bit deeper and asking ‘Do these things really make us successful?’ revealed some interesting things, some things we weren’t prepared for and likewise things that have made us become more deliberate in how we rate our family success and how achieving our criteria makes us feel.
Think about what factors contribute to how you measure success in your family.
Be sure to read the next post on measuring success to find out what three things we learnt.
The hardest part of raising a child is teaching them to ride bicycles. A shaky child on a bicycle for the first time needs both support and freedom. The realisation that this is what the child will always need can be hard.
Sloan Wilson
I’ve worked in various roles that have always involved at one time or another – asking a hard question. It could be asking staff if they feel their behavior is appropriate, it could be asking a customer if how they are speaking is beneficial to the situation, it could be asking management to reconsider their decision… but when I get asked a hard question it’s a whole other level of feeling uncomfortable.
You see what I find the hardest question to answer is – what are you afraid of…How did you react to reading that? Is it a hard question for you to answer?
I used to think it was easy… snakes was always my first response. I know I’ve grown up in Australia where snakes are just a thing, to be honest I’ve only ever come across about 5 in their natural habitat. None of which were aggressive – but that fear still exists in my psyche.
Now… I feel it is such a reflective question – where at times we can bury our greatest fears in our goals and ambitions, our actions and thoughts. When I drill down past my fear of snakes – I get to a point where I fear failure – I still see it as negative… brushing past that – I fear that I won’t raise my kids well… do you see where I’m going with this??
We need to ask ourselves the hard question – not wait for someone else to challenge us – but really take time and take an honest look at what we fear? Why – so we can conquer it and look forward without fear and without any anchor dragging behind us.
As a leader it’s so important to lead your team – whether in the workplace or as a family on this journey as fear holds us all back in some form. With that said as a leader it is so valuable to be vulnerable and answer that question for yourself. Not with a 10 second answer like my snake answer – but a well thought out reflective answer. It may just change the way you lead for the better.
Ask the hard question in your home and in your sphere of influence. You may not get to hear the answer – or you may – but remember that fear is like an anchor dropped in the ocean – dragging behind you, slowing you down every time you reach up towards that goal. Don’t be held back. Name the fear – learn from it – grow from it and use it to fuel your motivation rather than hold you back.
Homes of Victory