Homes of Victory
Beware of destination addiction. The idea that happiness is the next place, the next job or even with the next partner. Until you give up the idea that happiness is somewhere else, it’ll never be where you are.
Robert Holden
Some of the best advice I’ve been given: Never take critisim from people you would never go to for advice.
Morgan Freeman
What a wonderful reminder. In our world of keyboard warriors who seek nothing more than to destroy confidence, this advice is outstanding. Remember who you go to advice for and why. It’s never going to be the anonomys person on the other end of the wi-fi.
I’ve listed below a few things that have helped our family work on our time management skills in every sense of the word.
1. Boundaries of busy
As a parent I always felt like I was juggling and only one ball away from dropping them all. I love to be busy, I love to achieve, I love to come up with projects at home to work on etc. I just love to be busy. When kids came along I was no longer just busy with what was inside my brain, but busy with what you need to do when raising a family. I had all these perceptions that I could do it all, but in reality I literally didn’t have time – that’s if I included time to sleep and eat.
Over time we have developed a few boundaries, that are still flexible but there to remind us (but mostly me), of our time management plans and the level of busy we feel is optimal for our family. At times I have found these boundaries hard to stick to, as I am sucker for punishment, and feel I can achieve more in a small space of time than what is actually possible. I think at this point I will blame my personality type… With that said, I do believe and agree with the boundaries that we have put in place as a family, as it ensures we have down time, headspace and time to enjoy each other.
Do you have agreements in place, that are hard to stick to? Take the time to remember the benefits and why you made the decision in the first place.
Do you need to put some boundaries in place to reduce the busy in your life?
2. Quality over Quantity
How much do you value time in your family? When I say time in this context I am not talking about an amount of time but rather the quality of it. As a family we decided to prioritise dinner time as family time. Every family member knows dinner is at 6pm and they need to be at the table ready. Even my husband who has a busy job, knows that he is expected (by all of us)to be home and at the table – unless he is lets us know. My husband has an amazing capacity to switch off, spend quality time with us (as expected) and resume his work after dinner if he needs to. For us as a family this is the quality we crave. It may only be half an hour a day, but it is a chance to share, joke, laugh and even cry sometimes.
Have a think about how you could spend frequent quality time with your family? How does it fit into your routine and schedule? What changes could you make to add quality time to your routine?
3. Bring in the help
Along the way we have started using some apps that have literally revolutionised how we communicate about logistics and it has saved us time in the process.
shared calendar
A shared calendar has revolutionised our lives and made communicating so much easier and quicker. It also gave us more freedom. We simply said when it comes to the calendar whoever has their event in first, gets it- mind you we have negotiated at times . I remembered to use the calendar fast as I am awesome at having everything in my head and not in the a calendar. ( There is more on communication tools in the communication plan posts)
money tracker
We’ve been using pocketbook for our money conversations. We can track spending and savings and also see where we are at when unexpected circumstances arise. It has been a great tool, and has saved us time and enabled more effective communication.
Other types of help that can alleviate time pressures is outsourcing some tasks, work creatively to divvy up household tasks, potentially work less hours, review how you work out the logistics of your week.
What do you currently use to help with your time management? Spend some time researching some apps that would be suitable for your situation and encourage better time management.
A man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn his back on the crowd.
Max Lucado
Growing up I was obsessed with Nelson Mandela. To me, he was a hero. I’ve always had a social conscience and never understood how segregation based on colour could happen. Perhaps as a child I was naive, or perhaps I was raised learning what loving thy neighbour really meant. Either way, I loved reading about how he achieved what he did, how he never let his fervour for change diminish. He always had the greater good in mind. He was in my eyes a great example of what one person can do, with their choices, actions and words to literally change the world.
Whatever your opinion is of Nelson Mandela, his life, his journey, his sacrifice of ‘ normal’ – we can all learn a thing or two from him. Here are the top five things I’ve learnt from his life:
1. There is power in forgiveness – Nelson Mandela, didn’t let his imprisonment or how he was dreadfully treated rob him of his joy. He chose forgiveness as it would allow him peace, and allow him to continue to work tirelessly. Be the one to take the first steps towards peace, and forgive. It’s not easy, but worth it.
2. It’s not about me – Look with vision at the next generation and the ones to come after that. At times we can be so consumed with the task at hand, we forget to look at the bigger picture. What will your influence be, your legacy, your capacity to impact for good?
3. It only takes one – One man stood up, and fought for the rights of those around him, soon he was joined by more and change eventually followed, after oppression, imprisonment etc… Are you the one, to make the change, to have the passion, to have the determination to bring about improvements in your sphere of influence?
4. Influence is precious – use it for good. We may never know who we influence how, but it is our responsibility to try our best to influence those around us for the best. Set the example, make the sacrifice and never underestimate your influence.
5. No season is ever wasted – being sent to prison for standing up for what is right, for what you believe in is no easy feat for Nelson Mandela. In life, seasons good and bad, come and go use each season to learn and in time, wisdom and experience will be your fuel to get through.
I may not be able to portray the magnitude of impact this one man’s life has had on humanity. What I can do is learn from him and apply it to my sphere of influence. This world leader, has certainly shaped the kind of leader I want to be.
You’ll never experience progress without change and challenge
Ken Coleman
Every person that you meet knows something you don’t: learn from them.
H. Jackson Brown Jr.
Humility is attractive. Humility is a magnet for integrity, collaboration, appreciation, and acknowledgement. Humility attracts staff, who will want to work with you, look forward to being around you and motivated by you. They know you will acknowledge their efforts, appreciate their hard work, and offer a human side to leadership.
Likewise, when we are humble in our homes, humble toward our children, we show them reality, the realness of life. Yes, difficulties arise, and challenges are met – not perfectly but to the best of our abilities. Granted it may take humiliation to encourage our humility but if our families witness it firsthand, how much more are they going to value us as parents. How much more are they going to value humility and being humble themselves. In turn they will begin to value integrity, want to receive our appreciation, be acknowledged, and finally behave like this towards others.
Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it’s thinking of yourself less.
C. S. Lewis
Never curse a fall. The ground is where humility lives.
Yasmin Mogahed
You know when you meet someone and you automatically know you’ll be friends for life… well Erin is that person for me. We grew up together, having sleepovers, playing sport, loving life. As we got older, our husbands came on the scene and as it happens in life, it takes you to places in ways you could never imagine. The one thing that has stayed, is our love for each other and deep rooted friendship. We’ve literally been thousands of miles apart for years, we see each other about once every three or so years, but the friendship has remained. Thank heavens for technology where we can talk anytime and be in contact when we want to be. In this conversation, Erin will show you brave in its rawest form, together they will show you love on a deep level, and show you how life doesn’t have to be what society expects. Enjoy.
Due to COVID-19 and Zafers job, he is currently away and has been for months, unable to get home. So Erin has spoken to me, on his behalf also.
Who are the members of your family?
My husband and I have twin girls who are 9 years old.
Are you planners or do you go with the flow?
When he is home we love to plan, it does seem to work out most of the time as his time home is limited so we pack it in to enjoy our time together. Although we get tired, we have made so many memories this way.
When my husband is not here, I tend to just go with the flow for my girl’s sake and not have every weekend planned, as we have school/sports/extra activities that take a lot of time.
What does your normal week look like?
When Zafer is home we take turns getting up for school drop-offs. We spend as much time together as possible, but at the same time want to give each other space to see our own friends and have alone time. Sounds weird?!?!
Because I’m still learning Turkish and with the cultural inferiority of women (and then Foreign women) I leave the big jobs that need to be done around the house or with the car till when he is home. This what tends to take up the first few weeks.
We have many friends and family over on weekends so we can all catch up as they want to see Zafer. Here, if you are a single parent/ person, you don’t usually get invited or included in other families plans, so when Zafer is home, there is lots of making up for lost time.
When Zafer is home it takes a huge load off of me parenting, and the kids are happy with this balance, and love showing him how well behaved and responsible they are.
When Zafer is away with work, we all count down the days till he comes home back to us. It’s hard with no male balance. In Turkish culture, discipline is nearly nonexistent (no bedtime, sugar whenever the child feels like, Mums cook multiple meals to keep everyone happy, screen time all the time, no basic manners…). So I do struggle to find a balance between my extremely strict upbringing to the other extreme, of no discipline. I have a very strong support base here of foreigners and Turkish girls who can speak good English. We support and learn from each other.
A typical week… school for the girls with basketball training after school 2 days a week. I attend pottery courses, help out at school, try to see someone from my husbands family (Sister/cousin/aunty) … it’s huge, and they are very lovely warm welcoming people. I love them.
Weekends consist of working around basketball training and homework. We love to go walking in the forest, trying a new breakfast place with friends, ride bikes or rollerblader by the Bosphorus, try to relax… ( but my kids love activity and action…)
Not only does your husband have a job where he is away for months at a time, you also moved to live in his home country, learnt the language and have raised your kids there. How do you ensure your relationship stays in tact?
We worked together in the same environment for three years and together lived with the girls at his workplace for another six years, I understand the stresses he goes through with his job and I know the people he works with. Not an easy life to live, but I understand it and he knows that. We have to share about everything! We share happiness, frustration, stress, joy, big and little things. This keeps us involved in each other’s lives and we both feel ‘connected’.
We found at the beginning of him coming that he was VERY sensitive to stress and negativity, and I was having a hard time moving over and sharing the ‘decision maker/head of the house’ role after him being away for so long. After the realization that we were not happy when he was home and not happy at all being apart, we then made our action plans to suck it up a bit and move over to make space for the other in a real life setting TOGETHER (not a work environment or trying to tough it out on our own). It has worked!!! We talk about our concerns before he comes home and prepare ourselves so we can each try to control our frustrations. I have really tried to learn Turkish, and become independent here. We bought a car and got my drivers license here, so I am fully independent. I don’t feel restricted in anyway. I do appreciate that my husband has helped this happen and allows me to live without questioning me at all.
What is the one thing that is most important to your family, when your Husband / their Dad is away? How do you make it work?
Talking talking talking, also a lot of prayer.We talk almost every day. We pray for each other that God will protect the heart and eyes from what the devil may try to bring to distract and tempt us.
The girls are not interested in talking on the phone with their Dad but they do keep a diary (most days) telling him what happened today or how they feel, or just a drawing. We tell stories about him, reminisce on the times he was home, and what we want to do when we comes home next time.
If you could give one piece of advice what would it be?
I had no idea THIS was going to be where I would live or how I would live without my husband half the year. I believe life does not deal you something you are unable to deal with. You will be pushed and stretched but not broken!!
Freedom starts with honesty.
Judah Smith, author Jesus Is____________________: Find a New Way to Be Human
I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year’s fashions.
Lillian Hellman
Being honest and having strong moral principles is what integrity is all about. Having this leadership trait means you are undivided and confident in your dealings and decisions. Nothing sways you. This trait when applied to the home, will bring a lasting memory for your children and other half, about how over time your integrity goes before you and that is how you will be known. Having integrity is not always easy and often hard decisions need to be made. Stick to your guns and keep your integrity. It will hold you in good stead over the long term. You will never regret having integrity.
Real integrity is doing the right thing, knowing that nobody’s going to know whether you did it or not.
Oprah Winfrey
Over the last few months, I’m sure you can agree, that life hasn’t been what we’ve expected. What we planned 2020 to be. What we imagined our business, our home life, our everything to look like. This week, I was talking to a friend who lives on the other side of the world with two children, she told me that although she loves to plan, and dream and plan some more, she hates being disappointed when things don’t turn out the way she expected. This isn’t a control thing, in her case, it’s a ‘ but I dreamt big, worked hard’ and it still didn’t happen.
Another sobering conversation we had this week with some friends, was the impact COVID was having in their circle of influence, those they have built multiple companies with, those they work with closely. The impacts have ranged from being hit so hard with the unexpected that decisions based on the now are being made like divorce or worse. In comparing the conversations, the whole ‘ I dreamt big, worked hard and it didn’t happen’ feeling of disappointment resounds. It impacts everyone, from Mums and Dads, to corporate highflyers and everyone in between. I believe this season has impacted every person – somehow. How has it impacted you? Your family? Your friends?
How often during this season, have you felt like, everything you’ve worked for, dreamt of and even at times achieved is simply gone?
Hold that thought, now I challenge you, to write down all your achievements – go back as many years as you like, then, balance that against your dreams. Are you encouraged by what you’ve achieved? Are you still dreaming? Keep it up – look forward.
Homes of Victory implores you during this unsettling, full to overflowing time of the unexpected that you take stock of what really matters in your life. Those plans you had, may need to go on hold, or morph into something more spectacular. Remember life is not what we own, wear, or do. We influence those around us, more than we can imagine. Seek assistance when and if you need to. We’ve been finding that although we feel we don’t need professional help at this point, we have been catching up with the encouragers and positive people in our lives, to boost us and to inspire us during this season.
Who in your network inspires and encourages you? Who do you inspire and encourages? It may be the perfect time to catch up and talk about this season. You’ll gain perspective and hopefully a smile.
We may feel that our world is crumbling , but one thing remains – who we are in terms of character and integrity. It may be the time to take a long hard positive look in the mirror. This season will not last forever, this season will change us in ways we didn’t expect, let it change you for the better, learn the lessons of this season, they will not go unused in the future.
Audacious vision never cowers in the darkness.
Steven Furtick, Author or Sun Stand Still; What Happens When you Dare to Ask God for the Impossible.
Wherever you find a great man, you will find a great mother or a great wife standing behind him — or so they used to say. It would be interesting to know how many great women have had great fathers and husbands behind them.
Dorothy L. Sayers, Gaudy Night
We want to hear from you about who inspires you?
Who has had a great influence in your life?
Don’t find the fault, find the remedy.
Henry Ford
I love the word remedy – it makes me think of old fashioned rest and recuperation, it makes me think of jelly beans at the doctors surgery, it also conjures up images of fixing things before they get worse.
The definition of remedy is
Something that cures or relieves a disease or bodily disorder; a healing medicine, application, or treatment, something that corrects or removes an evil of any kind.
Dictionary.com
Framing ‘ remedy’ in leadership terms strips back the meaning to something that curers or relieves. It also indicates that the remedy is known and then applied. At times we do not know the remedy to apply, we may not know the potential outcomes or risks involved. What we do know is, at times the remedy needs to go against the grain of fixing and issue and looking at preventing it. An example of an evidence based preventative model is one that stands out was developed in Iceland and is now in Australia. It successfully worked on significantly reducing drug and alcohol addiction in teens. Check out the whole story here.
This type of remedy: evidence based preventative model – is a form of remedy that I have come to understand and be impressed by. So often, the issues in our communities do not have a quick fix, seem like they will never change, or feel like the stigma will never leave. This example of a remedy is inspiring and possible. It shows by thinking outside the box and being creative, solutions to the impossible are made all the more possible.
In your sphere of influence, how would the remedy of preventative measures change outcomes when used instead of reactionary measures? On a large scale some counties have what they call a ‘ fantasy council’ where it is their brainstorming opportunity to find solutions to the somewhat impossible.
How do you create the opportunity for brainstorming and problem solving within your work environment and home?
Do you include your children in the problem solving?
You may be surprised by their contribution – their minds don’t see the obstacles and challenges like we do.
Encourage the positive and explore the opportunities the outcome will be far better than you expect.
Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying ‘I will try again tomorrow’.
Mary Anne Radmacher
Courage is not always about gritting your teeth and digging your heels in. Courage is not always about making a song and dance about bravery. All courage need to be at times, is just turning up. Just trying again tomorrow. Just making a decision to give it another crack.
Courage means to have the:
ability to do something that frightens one; bravery and / or strength in the face of pain or grief.
Dictionary.com
Courageous leaders are the ones, who stand in the face of adversity, and keep believing in their dream, believing in their goals, believing in their team. Courageous leaders are the ones who turn up each day for their team, not knowing what the day will bring.
Courageous parents are the ones, who get out of bed every day, are the ones who do everyday with their kids however the everyday may look. Courage is exciting, courage is brave and courage is contagious.
You may not feel courageous when your kid drags you out of bed before sunrise, you may not feel courageous when you’re cranky running late for work, you may not feel courageous when you face the washing and household tasks, but know that you have the strength in you, the bravery in you, to face your day, to face your family – no matter the circumstances.
Homes of Victory