In the digital day and age, communication seems easier and harder at the same time. Communication nonetheless is the number one most important thing in a relationship and family. How it occurs, when it occurs, where it occurs and the depth of it all impacts the foundations of the relationships and the building of a family. In the season of being a parent, communication can be hard. Sleep deprivation, forgetfulness, overwhelmed-ness – everything contributes to diminished communication. Your communication style may have changed, your capacity has changes so too has the needs behind communicating.
I know for us we often find in our busy that we remember to ask the other person something in the middle of the night when the other is asleep, or when they are in a meeting and we can’t talk. Then adding, when we do see each other face to face, the kids interrupt in a multitude of ways that we often forget what we were trying to say, ask or tell. Are you smiling yet, because it’s true?
I must admit at the moment, I am guilty of saying before the kids bedtime, after they go to bed, let’s hang and chat, I need to ask you about… I then proceed to fall asleep with one of the kids, and stumble into bed around midnight, remembering that we needed to talk about something. The conversation then happens in a rush before work the next morning sometimes even before caffeine. We all know that, that time of day is absolutely not productive. So to overcome these challenges, some self-inflicted of course we have started using a few communication tools and methods to help us.
1. yes / no text
As the main, social organiser/ child logistics queen in the family, I often need to ask my other half questions that have a simple yes / no answer. At the moment I am sending at least one text a week with a short list of yes/ no questions. He knows, to respond! Not because it’s a ‘ yes dear’ moment, but because he knows that I am running the logistics past him to make sure he is included and that it works for him too. At other times the yes/ no texts become an email, as I’ve waited so long and the list is too much for a text. This may or may not work in your situation, but it has taken the pressure off both of us when we are with the kids and working out the logistics of life. Since we’ve started doing this, I have been receiving yes / no texts too – I love it, as it keeps life humming along and we are both on the same page with what is happening with the kids and other things in life.
Would yes/no texts work in your family? What other tools could work to take the pressure off working out the logistics of life?
2. shared calendar
My husband introduced a shared digital calendar into our lives about a year ago. It was the best thing. If you don’t already have a shared calendar – you need one! It is our go to when we get asked to do something out of hours, rather than saying ‘I need to ask my wife’ – which sounds like he’s asking for permission, my husband checks the calendar and has autonomy over his decisions. Likewise, I am the same. Our simple parameter around the calendar is, whoever has it in first gets it. So if I plan a girls night on a particular date and add it to the calendar I go… if he forgets to put something in for that same date – he loses out and vice versa. It may sound a bit black and white but don’t worry we are kind and negotiate. We put that simple parameter around our calendar so we use it to its capacity so it benefits us the most. It is a communication tool, that we use to minimise issues in logistics and awareness. We got tired of saying to each other – I didn’t know you were going out/ but I already planned something – all of those unavoidable conversations have now been avoided.
Research some apps that could contribute to enabling more communication in your relationship.
One additional app may make a huge difference.
3. screen time
I thought I would add in, screen time and parameters at this point. So much is being written about screens and their positive and negative effects on kids and adults. I was looking for some stats and quotes to add strength to what I am about to write, but the information online seemed overwhelming. All articles pointed to the same type of issue – more screen time = lower quality relationships. We know this to be true, just looking at our own lives. It is amazing how quickly addiction can take over. Not just for kids but adults alike. Who sits on the couch after the kids go to bed, watching TV, flicking through their phone, sitting with their loved one. It’s not spending time together, but rather just being in the same room.
Our kids are still young enough to not have their own device, but the time is coming soon when they will need to for school. In order to pre-empt the screen time dramas to come, we have started modelling screen savvy behaviours to them. We want them, when the time comes to be able to self-regulate their own screen use when the time comes. We need to set the example, and use our own devices in moderation in front of them. What they see is what they will do. In response to our kids behaviour and I know your family will be different and have other measures in place, we now have the following parameters in our home that include all members of the family:
- No screens in bedrooms – this is hard for us as parents but we are trying to work according to this rule too – how easy is it to lie in bed scrolling through your phone at the end of the day…
- 30 mins screen time on a school day and;
- one hour on weekends ( this includes TV, computers, gaming devices, e-readers)
- whole family time is in addition on weekends – this could be a movie night etc…
- Parents don’t have a TV time limit. (Can you tell our kids are detailed.)
In addition to this, as parents we aim to put our phones out of sight from 4 – 8pm – if we are home. The only phone calls we answer are from family and text messages can wait. Although we are not perfect, we try. We know, what we are aiming for and that is quality relationships and those can only be built with communication at the forefront of our minds. Since implementing these parameters, our kids do communicate with us more, they read more, they play more, they even help around the house a bit more. Teamwork is gaining momentum as we have put this emphasis on communication and togetherness.
Think about how many times you’ve had a device in your hand, when someone else has been trying to talk to you? How do you feel when it is you trying to talk?
Homes of Victory 