Effective leadership is putting first things first. Effective management is discipline, carrying it out.
Stephen Covey
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Tag: strength
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Define victory will you
Here at Homes of Victory, we often encourage and talk about living with a victorious mindset in the middle of the wildest season of life: kids… The question is, how do we / you define victory. Just like the word ‘success’, having a victorious mindset can have a myriad of definitions and can even be defined differently on any given day.
Let me explain, I did a happy dance tonight because I managed to fold three baskets of washing – that is a victory! Empty washing baskets. Last night, my three year old was eating some nuts she found and sneezed at the same time – spitting crunched up nuts all over my leather chair… I raised my hands in defeat as I walked off stifling a laugh to find some cleaner. If we don’t laugh we cry right. Neither situation, when analysed, is a victory or defeat – but based on my mood and perspective they were.
That aside, I hope you are starting to see my point.
Only you and your family can define what victory looks like at any given moment.
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It may be a momentous victory like beating an illness, or paying down debt or a getting that job you’ve worked so hard to get. Victory can also be in the unseen, like getting a child to sleep, learning to drive, passing an exam you were nervous about.
Defeat too can be momentous. It could look like losing a job, losing a loved one, coming second when all you wanted was to be first. It could be in the tired moments – of losing a battle with a tantruming toddler, or a moody teenager. It could simply look like another pile of washing or dinner waiting to be cooked.
Whatever victory and defeat look like to you will determine how and when you live victorious. I like to think we are fairly positive and try to see the victory, see the positive, but at times like every other human defeat creeps in.
What we are trying to say is – you need to define your own victories and own them. If my kids can define a good day by how much nintendo they play or what mountain biking adventure they’ve been on then surely we can define our victory days with similar childlike mindedness.
How will you define your victory?
How will your family measure living with victorious mindsets?
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Leadership trait: Resilience
Do not judge me by my success, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again.
Nelson Mandela
The road is getting tougher and tougher – yet you keep on walking. Life is getting to you, yet you keep going – finding strength you didn’t know you had. You get through it – stronger and more victorious that you expected. Hello increased resilience. Face the battle with your weapons of determination and perseverance, standing fast knowing when you succeed and you will, you will be stronger and better for it.
The human capacity for burden is like bamboo- far more flexible than you’d ever believe at first glance.
Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper
Due to changes in my workplace I’m back working in front line customer service. I must say at many times over the past few months I’ve been on the receiving end of people’s complaints, anger, frustration and stress. Being in the firing line really doesn’t bother me… but today was different.
An elderly man asked to speak to someone I charge. As I approached him and said hello, he smiled and said, these ten words:
I don’t like to complain but I love a debate.
anon customer
I couldn’t help but smile. We had the best conversation and the issue was resolved – peacefully and swiftly.
What captured my attention was not only his perspective but his behavior. I would call it honorable. He was respectful and listened to my responses. The reason I mention listened, is because I find a lot of people like to complain, but not many like to listen to the response.
This customer who by the way turned out to be 89, showed me that maybe just maybe if we all behaved in a respectful and honorable manner more issues would be resolved peacefully. There would be less stress, less anxiety around conflict resolution. There would be more kindness and understanding – more listening and less speaking.
I know I’m going to take his 10 words into my everyday and use this perspective in my home life and workplace. What a better world we would have, it we all took his advice and approached life with an open mind, ready for a debate rather than a complaint.
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time summary
Getting a grip on time management in family life can be challenging. I often hear parents say, “how to I make time when I have none – I can’t even shower alone”, “how can I work on my relationship when we are like ships in the night”. Here are some final thoughts on time – in family life.
Be intentional
Block out time in your calendar for family time. Nothing can override that time and it needs to be a priority.
Also, block out time for each other. Even if it’s one hour a week – to just stop and chat, play a game, discuss a book, learn about each other. This is not a time to watch TV or look at a screen, but time to really invest into your relationship.
One on one time
This may be at home or out and about – but make sure every family member gets a chance to feel special, feel listened to and feel encouraged. It could be a matter of taking a child with you to get petrol, it could be taking one of them to do groceries, it could be a parent / child date night – whatever it is, there is great value in one on one time – even if it’s squeezed into the busy of life.
One change
What is one thing that can be changed to make a big difference? Is it a matter of adjusting work hours, could it be changing a child’s music lesson to another day, is it deciding that take out is in order on a particular night of the week, so everyone gets to bed on time?
However you make time management work for your family, take heart you are doing the best you can. Be encouraged that the investment you make now in your family, will never return to you void.
Do not fool yourself into thinking it’s about the amount of time, or how you managed it, it will be about the quality time you carved out in the busy that will make all the difference.
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Of the few things you still control… your choices, your attitude both determine your future. Choose carefully.
Dave Ramsey
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Beware of destination addiction. The idea that happiness is the next place, the next job or even with the next partner. Until you give up the idea that happiness is somewhere else, it’ll never be where you are.
Robert Holden
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Some of the best advice I’ve been given: Never take critisim from people you would never go to for advice.
Morgan Freeman
What a wonderful reminder. In our world of keyboard warriors who seek nothing more than to destroy confidence, this advice is outstanding. Remember who you go to advice for and why. It’s never going to be the anonomys person on the other end of the wi-fi.
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If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.
Simon Sinek
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Shaping Leaders: Michelle Obama
As I sat and watched ” Becoming”, (for those who don’t know, is the name of Michelle Obamas recent book and the documentary of the same title) so many things about leadership ran through my mind. If you have seen this documentary, I’d love to hear your thougths. If you haven’t it may be something to add to your watch list. It wasn’t all girl power like I assumed, but it was abolsutely inspiring – for men and women alike.
In terms of leadership a few things stood out to me, a few things I feel were confirmed, and other things in the documentary reaffirmed that their is so much good in this world. Here are just a few things that I thought I would share on this incredible leader in every sense of the word.
We need to choose to not be invisible: In a conversation about race, when asked how not to feel invisible, Michelle Obama’s response was it starts in your own heart and mind. She went on to say that the first place she felt seen and heard was her dining table with her family. In hearing these words from Michelle Obama, it reaffirmed the strength of what we as a family are trying to do. It also reminded me of the power parents have and the influence we have on our tribe. How do you make sure each member of your family feels seen and heard?
The haters will hate when you speak hope: One thing that stood out in her interview was, how Americans first reacted to Barak Obama, when he spoke about hope and possibility of a good future. The media, the general public – everyone it seemed got on the haters bandwagon. Michelle Obama spoke about how hard it was, to hear the oposition when, speaking about the future and the hope they had as a family for their country. Politics aside, you will come against oposition when you speak truth, speak hope and speak love. Expect it. Roll with the punches, but don’t ever stop. This world needs more kindness than ever before, more hope to live for and more joy needs to be found. Speak it out and speak it loud.
Do not let those around you dictate your success: One story stood out to me, when Michelle Obama was told by her highschool gudiance officer, to not aim to go to Princeton, because she wouldn’t make it. She knew the undertone was because of her skin colour, but that advice didnt’ stick. She made it and made it well and truly on her own merit and hard work. This achievement was one stepping stone towards meeting her future husband and future as the 44th first lady of the white house. Your success may come in any shape or size, your goals and dreams too, do not let anyone dictate to you, your future or success. Stick to your goals, work hard to achieve them, even when those around you say you can’t. You never know where one achievement will lead to.
In finishing, the lessons learnt from Michelle Obama, and their are many, these are merely a few – remember that we can be shaped by those around us, aspire to be like other leaders, but their is no one like you – be the leader in your family and life that you have been called to be.
I’ve listed below a few things that have helped our family work on our time management skills in every sense of the word.
1. Boundaries of busy
As a parent I always felt like I was juggling and only one ball away from dropping them all. I love to be busy, I love to achieve, I love to come up with projects at home to work on etc. I just love to be busy. When kids came along I was no longer just busy with what was inside my brain, but busy with what you need to do when raising a family. I had all these perceptions that I could do it all, but in reality I literally didn’t have time – that’s if I included time to sleep and eat.
Over time we have developed a few boundaries, that are still flexible but there to remind us (but mostly me), of our time management plans and the level of busy we feel is optimal for our family. At times I have found these boundaries hard to stick to, as I am sucker for punishment, and feel I can achieve more in a small space of time than what is actually possible. I think at this point I will blame my personality type… With that said, I do believe and agree with the boundaries that we have put in place as a family, as it ensures we have down time, headspace and time to enjoy each other.
Do you have agreements in place, that are hard to stick to? Take the time to remember the benefits and why you made the decision in the first place.
Do you need to put some boundaries in place to reduce the busy in your life?
2. Quality over Quantity
How much do you value time in your family? When I say time in this context I am not talking about an amount of time but rather the quality of it. As a family we decided to prioritise dinner time as family time. Every family member knows dinner is at 6pm and they need to be at the table ready. Even my husband who has a busy job, knows that he is expected (by all of us)to be home and at the table – unless he is lets us know. My husband has an amazing capacity to switch off, spend quality time with us (as expected) and resume his work after dinner if he needs to. For us as a family this is the quality we crave. It may only be half an hour a day, but it is a chance to share, joke, laugh and even cry sometimes.
Have a think about how you could spend frequent quality time with your family? How does it fit into your routine and schedule? What changes could you make to add quality time to your routine?
3. Bring in the help
Along the way we have started using some apps that have literally revolutionised how we communicate about logistics and it has saved us time in the process.
shared calendar
A shared calendar has revolutionised our lives and made communicating so much easier and quicker. It also gave us more freedom. We simply said when it comes to the calendar whoever has their event in first, gets it- mind you we have negotiated at times . I remembered to use the calendar fast as I am awesome at having everything in my head and not in the a calendar. ( There is more on communication tools in the communication plan posts)
money tracker
We’ve been using pocketbook for our money conversations. We can track spending and savings and also see where we are at when unexpected circumstances arise. It has been a great tool, and has saved us time and enabled more effective communication.
Other types of help that can alleviate time pressures is outsourcing some tasks, work creatively to divvy up household tasks, potentially work less hours, review how you work out the logistics of your week.
What do you currently use to help with your time management? Spend some time researching some apps that would be suitable for your situation and encourage better time management.
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A man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn his back on the crowd.
Max Lucado
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Kid Speak: Curiosity
The topic I asked a 10 year old in my life to write about was: Curiosity and why it is important. Here is the response…
Why It’s Good To Be Curious In AND About Your Surroundings… by MGT
I think it’s good to be curious about your surroundings, say your house or school/work because curiosity leads to more questions, which could eventually lead to an invention that could help/save lives. With curiosity you can actually experience more. If you were curious you would want to know what an event might be like, or you might discover something important and be known for it. With curiosity you can achieve great things. I’m going to give a few examples of famous (and curious) people.
- Grace Hopper: Being a mathematician in the US Navy, Grace was a pioneer in developing computer technology. She helped create the first electronic computer and achieved many other things. That was all due to her thirst for knowledge and her curiosity in life.
- Ada Lovelace: This 19th Century Countess was the daughter of famous poet Lord Byron, who she never knew. She’s also considered the first computer programmer. Her boundless curiosity extended from maths to music and foreign languages. The curiosity is what led her to meeting Charles Babbage and they worked together to create the calculator and write many more programs.
- Amelia Earhart: One of the world’s most celebrated aviators and explorers, Amelia was an international celebrity in her time as the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic Ocean. She used her fame to encourage women to reject constrictive suitors and to pursue as many opportunities as they could. Earhart’s curiosity made her famous and she also stood up for women who were facing inequality in the world at the time.
From this you can tell, this 10 year old in my life is well read and incredibly curious. So what can we learn from this response to curiosity…
Read widely, learn about people and learn from people. You never know where being curious will take you.
Thanks MGT for your insight.
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Shaping Leaders: Nelson Mandela
Growing up I was obsessed with Nelson Mandela. To me, he was a hero. I’ve always had a social conscience and never understood how segregation based on colour could happen. Perhaps as a child I was naive, or perhaps I was raised learning what loving thy neighbour really meant. Either way, I loved reading about how he achieved what he did, how he never let his fervour for change diminish. He always had the greater good in mind. He was in my eyes a great example of what one person can do, with their choices, actions and words to literally change the world.
Whatever your opinion is of Nelson Mandela, his life, his journey, his sacrifice of ‘ normal’ – we can all learn a thing or two from him. Here are the top five things I’ve learnt from his life:
1. There is power in forgiveness – Nelson Mandela, didn’t let his imprisonment or how he was dreadfully treated rob him of his joy. He chose forgiveness as it would allow him peace, and allow him to continue to work tirelessly. Be the one to take the first steps towards peace, and forgive. It’s not easy, but worth it.
2. It’s not about me – Look with vision at the next generation and the ones to come after that. At times we can be so consumed with the task at hand, we forget to look at the bigger picture. What will your influence be, your legacy, your capacity to impact for good?
3. It only takes one – One man stood up, and fought for the rights of those around him, soon he was joined by more and change eventually followed, after oppression, imprisonment etc… Are you the one, to make the change, to have the passion, to have the determination to bring about improvements in your sphere of influence?
4. Influence is precious – use it for good. We may never know who we influence how, but it is our responsibility to try our best to influence those around us for the best. Set the example, make the sacrifice and never underestimate your influence.
5. No season is ever wasted – being sent to prison for standing up for what is right, for what you believe in is no easy feat for Nelson Mandela. In life, seasons good and bad, come and go use each season to learn and in time, wisdom and experience will be your fuel to get through.
I may not be able to portray the magnitude of impact this one man’s life has had on humanity. What I can do is learn from him and apply it to my sphere of influence. This world leader, has certainly shaped the kind of leader I want to be.
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time
We all have the same amount of time in a day, our choice is how we use it. At times I expect too much from time and try and squeeze too many tasks into a short spaces of time. I also get frustrated when I don’t get everything done, when I want it done. This idiosyncrasy is one thing that really tends to bother my husband, who is laid back, productive in his work, but laid back all the same. For us time, has been an issue, time and time again ( pardon the pun). I absolutely hate being late, he doesn’t mind being late, so we are often late – defined as later than I want to be.. this has been cause of tension, added to as we have three children, with their own perception of time – you get what I mean, leaving in half an hour really means in an hour and a half. You say ‘ were leaving’ and they hear… change your socks to cleaner ones, swap the things in your lunch box with each other and fight about where to sit in the car.
Time management is the process of planning and controlling how much time you spend on a specific activity
On a serious note, time is one thing that needs to be managed in a way that works for every member of your family. My husband and I over time have worked it out, it is still a work in progress but nonetheless, parameters have been put in place to ensure big blow ups don’t occur over time.
Some key skills in time management are as follows:
- organisation
- planning
- prioritisation
- goal setting
- delegation
- stress management
Sound familiar? A friend once asked if the definition of freedom, is having a toilet trained child. How much effort and planning and strategising goes into toilet training. This is just one example of what parents do on a constant (note I didn’t say regular), constant basis. We are all probably better at time management than we give ourselves credit for.
In terms of applying time management skills to family life I came across an excellent list of what to include in creating a time management plan. I have altered it slightly to make it relevant to family life.
1. Pick two or three tasks at a time
2. Review the tasks – what outcome are you trying to achieve?
3. You can’t do it all by yourself
4. Use tools
Use the above list to start mapping out some tasks that you can review and make changes to, to improve your time management and level of busy in your family.
In the next post about time, I will share a few things that have helped our family work on our time management.
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