You’ll never experience progress without change and challenge
Ken Coleman
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Tag: Leadership
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Leadership trait: Humility
Every person that you meet knows something you don’t: learn from them.
H. Jackson Brown Jr.
Humility is attractive. Humility is a magnet for integrity, collaboration, appreciation, and acknowledgement. Humility attracts staff, who will want to work with you, look forward to being around you and motivated by you. They know you will acknowledge their efforts, appreciate their hard work, and offer a human side to leadership.
Likewise, when we are humble in our homes, humble toward our children, we show them reality, the realness of life. Yes, difficulties arise, and challenges are met – not perfectly but to the best of our abilities. Granted it may take humiliation to encourage our humility but if our families witness it firsthand, how much more are they going to value us as parents. How much more are they going to value humility and being humble themselves. In turn they will begin to value integrity, want to receive our appreciation, be acknowledged, and finally behave like this towards others.
Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it’s thinking of yourself less.
C. S. Lewis
Never curse a fall. The ground is where humility lives.
Yasmin Mogahed
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If one is lucky, a solitary fantasy can totally transform one million realities.
Maya Angelou
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measuring success 3
I’ve worked in several workplaces, experienced and facilitated a range of performance appraisals. Apologies, I can hear you sighing already – but stay with me. At one workplace, I copied and pasted my answers to each appraisal question for seven years and no one noticed. In my current workplace, performance appraisals are taken seriously and actually contribute to motivating and encouraging staff. Performance appraisals often use stagnant criteria to measure success without taking into account the person, but rather just their output. I love conducting performance reviews as it allows me to connect with my team members, encourage them on a personal level and get to know their personal and corporate goals.
In your family, how do you measure your success? What kind of appraisal do you give your self? What motivates you? In all honesty, for several years our goals slipped by the way side and if we could bath, feed and get our kids to sleep we were winners. All too often though, we would flop into bed and ask each other if we felt defeated. Not a nice feeling.
One thing that we have started to do, is not only set goals that have easy to use success measures, but have found a way for our kids to appraise our performance as parents without them knowing. We’ve taught them to write cards to us every Christmas, birthday, Mothers and Fathers day. They need to tell us three things they like and why. At times the words out of the mouth of babes, have been a source of encouragement and joy. Its easy to be negative and think about what you could have done better but sometimes you need a little wisdom from the younger generation. Once my daughter wrote at the ending of her card that I was the best cook in the world. Hilarious, my cooking is mediocre at best – but not to her. If she sees the best in me, then maybe I should try to do the same. One time our boy wrote that his favourite time with Dad was at home. Nothing spectacular but it shows how he enjoys the every day. Another note we got was about how funny Dad’s, Dad jokes are. It showed us in the silly and the busy that we are doing okay. Our kids notice the little things and so should we.
Navigating success or the feeling of it where kids are kids, life is busy and no end seems to be in sight, it often feels like an ongoing negotiation where we just need to find a solution. I recently learnt that the reward for navigating one challenge is the next challenge. It doesn’t sound too inspiring does it, but in reality it is. The season of kids when working though what family life looks like with additional people in it, is often hard to measure let alone be seen as a success. I encourage you that as a family, learn from each challenge – look for the small wins.” I folded some washing today”, ” I was thanked for lunch today”. Once you start speaking the good, you’ll think of more good. See the good and it will flow into your feeling of success. This in turn will encourage you to keep on keeping on and setting goals and living the life you want.
Think about how your kids encourage you? What things do they say or do that really gives you an idea of how they see you?
List some things that you have learnt due to facing some challenges in the season of children.
Encourage one another as a family to talk about the good things that have come from the challenges you have faced. See the joy of overcoming challenges.
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On the flipside
Here at Homes of Victory we are all about applying leadership and management skills to our home life – to improve it. Simon Sinek – the leadership master flips that on its head by saying
The closest thing to leadership is parenting. You have to be an infinite student of parenting.
Simon Sinek
Here at Homes of Victory we wholeheartedly agree with this. On a practical level, I know I have used the same tactics I’ve used with my kids with difficult client.. I’ve even got to the point with one extremely difficult customer who continued to yell at me, I simply said, ‘I’m sorry sir, my children behave better than you. When you calm down, I can help you’. He stood in stunned silence in front of me, he took a step back, lowered his voice and replied ‘Really?’ All I could do was nod.
When we stop to think about what our children have taught us and how we have applied those learnings to our family and workplaces, it is amazing how intertwined the learnings are.
One thing, I’ve learnt from my children that I take into the workplace is a really positive attitude to problem solving and the ability to put issues into perspective. After having children, and learning to live life in the fast lane when it comes to scooting out the door for school. The problems I’ve solved in less than 20 seconds, astound even me. I have the ability to pack leftover breakfast, gather my children and get them walking – with shoes on – do I get an amen to that!, to the vague location of the car, while dealing with milk dropped in the fridge without even breaking a sweat. These issues are not life or death – they just require perspective.
Another thing I have learnt from my children is around expectations. I have high expectations of myself and also expect high behaviour levels from my children. I was finding in the workplace I too, placed high expectations of staff – at times – higher than necessary, higher than what was fair. By learning what are fair expectations verses unrealistic ones, I am a better parent and better leader.
What are some things your children have taught you, that you were able to use in the workplace?
I’ll leave you with one more quote, to stir your thoughts,
Leadership is not a title, it’s a choice. Leaders take care of those in their care.
Simon Sinek
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Leadership trait: Integrity
I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year’s fashions.
Lillian Hellman
Being honest and having strong moral principles is what integrity is all about. Having this leadership trait means you are undivided and confident in your dealings and decisions. Nothing sways you. This trait when applied to the home, will bring a lasting memory for your children and other half, about how over time your integrity goes before you and that is how you will be known. Having integrity is not always easy and often hard decisions need to be made. Stick to your guns and keep your integrity. It will hold you in good stead over the long term. You will never regret having integrity.
Real integrity is doing the right thing, knowing that nobody’s going to know whether you did it or not.
Oprah Winfrey
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Audacious vision never cowers in the darkness.
Steven Furtick, Author or Sun Stand Still; What Happens When you Dare to Ask God for the Impossible.
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consistent & persistent
To be able to lead our family and especially our children there needs to be some grounding and basis for what we do. We cannot choose to do it one day and not the next. We are being watched by our children every day – on our good days and bad days and every day in between.
A few years ago we traveled with extended family to Malaysia. I remember being in a crowded food court with my two of my children and my mother in law. One child was having an epic meltdown, and really wasn’t coping with the noise, smell and crowds. I looked at her with questioning eyes, as I didn’t know what to do. She burst out laughing, saying the melt down she was witnessing was exactly how my husband would melt down 30 years ago… . She suddenly became serious and just said,
Be consistent and persistent
Rebekah
I felt like I was on the receiving end of an old Chinese proverb. It really struck a chord with me.
Her words have resounded in my ears every time, I don’t know what to do, every time my children have a meltdown, every time I want to stay in bed and pretend it’s still night time. I love these words as they are simple yet so true. Another way to put it is, just turn up. Be available for your family – I’m not saying literally be available 24/7 – balance is vital, but be consistent in your expectations and behaviour, be persistent in your responses and attitude and reap the benefits.
Even now, years after having those pearls of wisdom dropped in my heart, I do struggle at times to be persistent in discipline and consistent in my moods, but you know what, we are all a work in progress doing the best we can.
How do the words consistent and persistent resonate with you?
How could you show your family more consistency?
Is there a way you could be more persistent in certain areas of your family life?
We are blessed to call Josh and Cole family. The age gap between us is also large enough for us to have experienced their first date with them, through to their marriage and where they are at now. These two are so genuine and generous of spirit we hope you are inspired by them.
Who is in your family
Josh, Cole, our 3 month old baby, Ben, and our dog, Aria.
Give us some background to what you both do career wise.
Josh specialises in commercial and residential property acquisitions for individuals and businesses. I am a bid consultant and help businesses win work by helping them develop compelling tenders, proposals and grants.
Are you planners or do you go with the flow?
We’re a bit of a mix. I love to plan and Josh is more relaxed and is really good at going with the flow. So we really balance each other.
You have a new baby! What has that been like for the two of you?
It has been a really big change for us. We always knew it would be but it was difficult to genuinely understand just what that meant until it happened. Gone are the days of binge watching tv till all hours, sleeping in, and spontaneously going out but it has definitely brought us closer together. We were friends before we dated and married and that has always provided a strong foundation for our relationship. We have done so much together over the last 13 years! We can always rely on one another for support and having a baby has definitely been one of those times when we needed it!
What has changed in your relationship?
I guess the main thing is that there is a new person in it. It had been the two of us (and Aria) for a long time and now we have little Benjamin who needs most of our time, attention and energy, and he needs different things from each of us.
Did you expect these changes? How have you managed them?
It wasn’t unexpected that life would change and that it would be ‘hard’ but it was difficult to see what life would be like with a baby until we lived it. So we expected it but weren’t fully prepared and I think it has impacted us both as a couple and as individuals. The change is also exacerbated because you have no idea what you’re doing with a brand new baby and you’re sleep deprived to boot!! The current COVID-19 crisis hasn’t made it any easier because it has physically distanced family and friends too.
But we’re learning as we go and checking in. We’re navigating it by being really honest with each other, having a good sense of humour, and not taking ourselves too seriously.
We’ve always been really honest with each other which makes life, and life with a new baby, a lot easier. Talking about the change doesn’t make it go away but it definitely makes it easier to manage and manage it together. As I’m sure most new parents do, we tend to concoct a lot of ideas and theories about Ben’s behaviour which are always good to try on someone else when you’re sleep deprived (although we’ve accepted we’ll never really know or have all the answers!)
What advice would you give to a family with a new baby working through the family blueprint, designing the family life you want?
Be honest about what you need and be kind to yourself and one another. And be will to acknowledge that the blueprint may change so flexibility is really important too (think some planning and some go with the flow!) Before Ben, we would often talk about the vision we had for our family so we had a good idea of where we were headed before we became a true family. In the haze of a newborn you’re just trying to survive! So for us, we know we’ll eventually emerge on the other side together and in the general direction we planned.
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Will of Steel
I am no bird; and no net ensnares me: I am a free human being with an independent will.
Charlotte Bronte, Jane Eyre
I hear the strain in your voice, when you try to get your point across. I see the furrow of your brow, when the response is a blank stare. I hear your heart break, when they seem to purposely choose hurtful words, when they do the opposite of what you asked, just because they can, not because they should. I see your silent tears when they think it’s bravery but you think it’s stupidity. I hear your hearts voice saying, ‘ if only they knew’, I hear the thumping of your heart grow quicker each time they stomp down the hallway ready to tell you their opinion. I see the tiredness and I hear the exasperation, I see the walking away – so you don’t say out loud what you think.
Mumma bear, I hear the laugh in your heart, when incredible things come flowing from their mouth, the same mouth that was throwing poison darts at you only moments ago. I hear the joy, when there is no fight getting into the car, I see the silent – ‘that’s my girl’ spark in your eyes when they take matters into their own hands. I hear the kind words you speak into their hearts when the time is right, I see you snuggle in tight when the day is done. I hear you, ask without fail – how was your day – knowing the answer will be negative. I see you turn up all day, every day because she is yours.
We may never know what thoughts travel through their minds, we may indeed never know the strength of our own strong wills. What we do know is, determination is a mighty skill to have, being able to negotiate and stand your ground – is only for the brave. Being true to yourself, is rare in this world. Speak life into their hearts, and tell them they’re amazing – even when you want them to change and be compliant… we’ve all been there.
I’ve come to learn to spread the boundaries wide, give them the tools to make good decisions, based on the principles you teach them. Hold them as close as you can – they still need you, even if their behaviour says otherwise. Swallow your pride and be the one to always take the first steps to peace. Always, always, always speak life into their hearts. Use as many conversations as you can, at the right time to teach and mentor, to lead and guide them. Our babies may have more determination than their own body weight, they may have better negotiation skills, they may have more grit and more courage than we have ever witnessed, but they are ours and we get to be the only one in the world they call mum.
So Mumma bear this is for you – I see you and I hear you. Though like Charlotte Bronte said, I am a free human being with an independent will – we need to make sure our strong willed kids are wrapped in our love almost without knowing it, wrapped in kindness and protection. They need to know we are always available and will always take the first steps to peace. Likewise, recharge yourself, take time out to take a deep breath. Think of all the billions of people in the world, who is it that you get to call daughter or son. Isn’t it an amazing thought.
Dream of who they will be one day… the achievements their strong will, will allow them to achieve. The challenges they will stroll through, the innovation they will delight in creating. The list of amazing possibilities goes on.
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Blind Spot
A Blind Spot is the difference between intent and impact as a leader, parent, family member. We all have them. Some are more aware that they exist than others.
Being open to knowing what our potential blind spots are – will lead to a fuller, richer and more diverse life.
Being closed to our blind spots is like a bulldozer without direction – the impact will the their – it certainly will be there…. but what trail of offense are you leaving behind? When intent and impact are combined, that’s when true positive change occurs. That’s when new roads are formed. That’s when eyes and hearts are opened to change and a fuller, richer life for everyone in your world.
Take a moment to think about things you may not know about yourself. How others perceive you – due to your behaviour. Do they perceive correctly, or is your well intentioned behaviour having a different kind of impact.
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a juggle or awesome logistics?
One thing that makes me a little cross are the words…how do you juggle work and kids – as a matter of fact any questioning along these lines… really makes me wonder why do ‘people’ think it’s a juggle. It always seems to be in a negative context with a sigh involved. I don’t know about you but I hear the word juggle and think of the circus, I think of a ball trick that is perfected over time to a point where the juggler may not even need to think about how to juggle, they just do.
The meaning of juggle is: to continuously toss into the air and catch (a number of objects) so as to keep at least one in the air while handling the others.
When I add myself to this scene – as the juggler – I start to chuckle. Usually I pick up any ball game easily but when it comes to juggling, no matter how many times I’ve literally tried to learn, I simply cannot conquer it. Now add children, career, family, friends etc.. into the equation and if each of these represented a ball I needed to juggle, they would all end up dropped one after the other. With all of that said, I believe I do a damn fine job of making sure my kids are loved beyond measure, where they need to be even if it’s at two places at once, friends are cared for, family is a priority and my career is given enough focus… I call it awesome logistics. Any mumma bear will tell you on any given day how many quick decisions with the potential ripple effects considered are made.
So no I don’t agree that it’s a juggle, I chose to have kids. I chose to pursue my career and I choose everyday to make it work for everyone in my home. I may not be perfect, life may not be perfect but I give it a good crack. I also know that if I ever wanted a job in logistics I’d have some great experiences to share and skills to draw on.
What are your thoughts on this? Does the term juggle come across as a positive or negative to you?
In all the hustle and bustle of life do you feel like you juggle, or have awesome logistics skills?
Take some time to ponder this. Write down the positive experiences you’ve had, making life work for your family. We hope this makes you realise how amazing you are!
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A man is but the product of his thoughts. What he thinks he becomes.
Mahatma Gandhi
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Why
I have a love-hate relationship with the word Why. That stage in the life of a toddler when all they do is ask why. It makes me smile at their curiosity and the wonder. At the moment in my house, our youngest is asking, ‘Does a shark have a heart?’… ‘Why?’… ‘Does a Lion have a heart?’… ‘Why?’… On it goes… I do try to explain why, but the logic and reasoning hasn’t sunk in yet. I love the curiosity.
In taking the question of why from a toddlers perspective, into the world of an adult, it can be used as a great problem solving tool. The 5 whys technique was created in the 1930’s by Sakichi Toyoda, a Japanese industrialist, inventor, and founder of Toyota Industries. Asking why as a problem solving technique became popular globally in the 1970s, and Toyota still uses it to solve problems today.
In a nut shell, you simply ask why five times. At the end of the five whys you will likely find a solution or the root cause of an issue that can then be addressed. This technique can be used to solve a known problem, an unexpected issue arising or simply a way to figure out how to do something better. So how does it work. Here are some examples:
For example:
I want to run my own business
Why: I want to be in control of my time
Why: I can have more flexibility during the work day
Why: I can work from home if I want to
Why: I can be available for my children
Why: So I can continue to provide but also have time with my children.
The last answer here becomes the root cause of motivation.
Another example:
We were running late for school and work again
Why: We slept in
Why: The alarm didn’t go off
Why: Mum forgot to set it
Why: Mum fell asleep in Miss 3’s bed
Why: Miss 3 wouldn’t go to sleep
This then becomes the root cause of the issue. Using the identified issue we can then look at ways to prevent this. Options may include – set a recurring alarm. Set different bedtime rules or routines etc..
By identifying the root cause of the problem, or the root .cause of your motivation whether positive or not, it becomes easier to identify and work around. This tool may be useful for you as a family. I use it to get to the bottom of the latest round of arguments. I use it to get to the point when my kids can’t find the words to say, it encourages them to focus and think about one thing at a time. You or the kids may not get the answers they hoped for, but the real motivations and emotions get discovered during this process. At times when I keep asking why, my kids get really frustrated. I encourage them to take their time, sometimes they come back to me hours later.. it’s giving them time and space to answer the simple question of why. I love using this tool at home and in the workplace, mostly because it uses one word, and secondly because it cuts through the layers and gets to the point – almost always.
Why not try it!
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The value of rest
At the best of times, I am not good at stopping to rest. I am always thinking, planning, or doing. My other half is great at resting. On the weekend I may find him asleep on our outdoor couch, sitting on the deck, admiring nature etc.… I’m the one that bustles over and starts a conversation with “ What do you think about…” He often answers with comments like, are you resting, have you stopped today… can you turn your brain off for 5 minutes. It’s not that I don’t value rest, I just don’t priorities it, until it’s too late and I sleep for a whole day to catch up.
During the recent lockdown and changes to normal, I believe I have started to learn the value of rest. I was stood down from work for seven weeks – which I chose to see as a blessing in disguise, as it is the leave I never take. Although the first thing I did write a list of all the house jobs I wanted to do that never had time to do. With that said, I did focus on my kids and their schoolwork, we developed a closer relationship, we worked together as a team and did get all the house jobs done together. We had no routine, nowhere to be, almost nothing to think about, because there was nowhere to go and no commitments.
I truly have valued this time of together and slowing down. A time to choose what we did at home when we wanted to. Yes, we watched a lot of TV and played far too much Nintendo, we argued over neat writing in schoolbooks and how to show the process for the maths questions. We stayed up late and went to bed early if we felt like it. It was a true unwind and change from the busy of life. I even got to the point where, I didn’t know what day it was, and we missed several zoom ballet classes because of it. Although, I was annoyed at myself for forgetting, but realized that it was a good thing as I had truly stopped and rested.
Now we have returned to normal. I need to learn how to continue to value rest, find it in the busy and take it easier – and go easier on myself. Allow myself to rest.
Through this time, have you learnt to rest, how to value it or use it to recharge? We would love to know what you think.
Homes of Victory 