A strong woman looks a challenge in the eye and gives a wink
Gina Carey
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# homesofvictory
Tag: leader
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# homesofvictory
One minute of anger weakens the immune system for 4 to 5 hours. One minute of laughter boosts the immune system for 24 hours.
Robyn Pryor
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Manage & Lead
In the busyness of my household one morning, I found myself saying out loud to no one in particular “ Why am I always managing your things, put your own dishes away and pick up the mess”… I caught myself remembering a quote I had read at a business event.
you manage things, you lead people
Rear Admiral Grace Murray Hooper
No one responded by the way, so I guessed the other four occupants of my house were clearly not listening or interested in what I had to say. I continued to huff and puff around the kitchen in the bustle of a work / school day morning. Putting milk away, dirty dishes in the dishwasher, finding school lunch boxes, uniforms, wayward socks and whatever else needed doing in between.
We’ve all been there. Caught in the moment of feeling like the maid, the servant, the recipient of the ‘don’t worry Mum will do it’ award… I caught myself as I realized, I was managing the house, but I was also managing the people in it – not leading them how I planned to. Big difference with very different outcomes. So how do we lead the people in our home, when managing comes more naturally, when time constraints encourage the management of rather than the leading of, when managing is just plain easier than leading.
The question I felt I needed to go back to is “Why?”. Why do I want to lead my kids and not manage them? The how, to lead, will follow. The why for me is, I want my kids to grow up resilient, grow up with manners, grow up well rounded, grow up with the capacity to do life, basically to grow up and be amazing… Sound familiar? This all sounds nice in theory and in reality the practical outworking of a goal like this often comes to a grinding halt on a Monday morning… in my case, my reality check came out of the mouth of my 9 year old.
One evening while I was cooking dinner (in my work clothes as I had literally walked through the front door and into the kitchen to start cooking), she sat at the kitchen bench and looked at me. She said very matter of fact, “I don’t ever want kids”. I responded by saying that’s a bit sad kids are fun. She answered “Yeah but I don’t want to have to do everything like you”. Ouch. I must put a disclaimer here that my husband is very hands on around the home and is often in the kitchen or cleaning on weekends. I don’t do everything, and we encourage the kids to carry the load too. What I realised was, it was how I was leading, without even realising, “ doing everything” is what my behaviour was telling my child. It wasn’t my words, it was my actions. Although that thought hurt, it was a truth bomb that I needed to hear. It made me realise I wasn’t focused on the “why” I want to lead my kids, or even “how” any more, I had compartmentalised chores and kids in separate categories.
Coming back to the thought of managing things and leading people;
What is your motivation behind leading your family?
How easily does it drop off the radar for you?
What are some ways to keep it in the forefront of your mind?
How does the outworking of this goal happen in your home?
After the truth bomb dropped ever so eloquently in my kitchen that night, I decided to write it out and make it clear to myself what leading the people in my home should look like. How will I involve the kids, how will I carve out more time with them, how will I alter some of my actions, to make sure what I do matches what I say.
In the end I know that there is no perfect solution to the “how to”, but keeping in mind the why, and the desired outcome will keep me on track to achieving my goal of leading my people and managing things. How about you?
What does leading your children look like for your family?
Do your actions speak louder than words when it comes to leading?
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#homesofvictory
Sometimes the most influential thing we can do is listen.
Bob Burg
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communication plan 2
Fighting fair
How many of us, have had instant regret when words have been said during an argument that are either untrue of knowingly hurtful…. Who has been on the receiving end of these kind of words. Words are incredibly powerful.
…take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.
James 3:4-5 – NIV version
How do we then reign in the power of words and use them for good, even when it’s game on the disagreement races towards hostility?
Most workplaces have a code of conduct where expected behaviours are laid out and clear for all staff to uphold. Likewise, in your home it would benefit the family to have the expected behaviours when conflict arises to fall back on. In our home, we call it the rules of engagement. I am not by any means stating we are perfect or fight fair every time – we are human, but what we aim to do, is communicate in a way that is fair, that tries to get to the bottom of the issue without the emotional hurt and spray of angry words. Although the aim of this section is to finish off your communication plan, it may start to look like a code of conduct document – where what is acceptable and not acceptable behaviours and communication methods will be laid out.
Start adding to your list from the communication plan 1, types of behaviors you would like to see in your family when conflict arises.
How practical and easy do you feel it would be to demonstrate those behaviours in conflict?
The aim of this is not to feel like a failure if you set the bar too high. Start working towards your desired behaviours in baby steps – map out how you want to see your family conflict resolved from the fly on the wall perspective.
Finally, don’t be afraid to try different communication tools. As we often have the kids with us and tempers flare at times, we find we sometime argue over text… so no words are actually spoken, the kids are none the wiser and we tend to work it out faster. Once we work it out, we do talk about it and have a proper conversation to make sure we are on the same page.
Make it a goal, to try a new way to communicate when conflict arises – it may just work out better than you expect.
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living the dream
In the rough and tumble of life, we found ourselves talking about what our 18 year old selves wanted to do, before the reality (ahem responsibility) of life took hold. The interesting thing was, although we had all of these dreams and goals at 18, some of which we have achieved, others that are still to come to fruition, we both agreed that if we didn’t have this, we would still want it. The ‘this’ was three kids tangled together sound asleep in our bed, toys, books, shoes, scattered over the floor, a ton of clean socks hiding behind a cushion on the couch and dirty dishes waiting to be done. We joked that even in the crazy, mess of home – we are still living the dream. The dream of having a family – although it looks far different in reality, the emotional rollercoaster, the lack of sleep, chicken nuggets, visiting of public toilets, the noise, the tears, the dramas, the fun, the laughter, the push me higher on the swing squeals, all of it – is really living the dream. When the drama reaches fever pitch or dinner time turns into a calamity, we try to smile and remind ourselves we are living the dream. By doing this, we actually change the mood – to a positive one – rather than respond to the drama with more drama.
What does ‘living the dream’ look like in your home? How close is your reality to your dream?
Is it something that you need to remind yourself of more often?
What changes could you make, to make living the dream, more of a reality?
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Tetris = next level resource allocation.
Working with resource allocation can be tricky, firstly working out the needs and wants, navigating the decision making process, communicating the final decisions and getting the team leaders on board to then be able to run with what they have.
During this season, creativity is entering into the most rigid of processes and encouraging ‘do more with less’ outcomes because of necessity. I have been pleasantly surprised by the significant changes, this season has almost forced upon workplaces and staff for that matter. Even though I have been personally impacted by reduced resourcing I am none the less impressed by the changes outworking during this season. The collaboration out of necessity, the shifting of mindsets,the ebbs and flows of decision making and project delivery methods. It is incredible to be apart of and also witness in the businesses around my city and the world.
In applying these creative methods to our home lives, it may be out of necessity due to reduced finances, or drastic changes in routine, it is interesting to note that out capacity seems to have adjusted and our mindsets have flexed also.
When allocating resources to projects and business as usual tasks I often visualise the game of Tetris. How should the resources fit to have the best outcomes. I must admit to needing some brain breaks lately to order my thoughts and have found myself playing Tetris. Somehow, while lining up the blocks, I am able to creatively work out the solution to the real life resourcing issue at hand. No longer, is it a game I played as a kid, competing to get the highest score, but now its gone to a whole new level of helping me work through resources allocation dilemmas.
What ways has this season forced you to be more creative?
Aside from the negative impacts of this season, what are some positive changes that have occurred?
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communication 3
The value of free
Ever since I can remember we’ve done this in our home, I don’t even know how it started and I hope it doesn’t end. It doesn’t happen often and it doesn’t happen always but when a Love Gift is given, it often surprises and makes the recipient feel special, it communicates encouragement and love. What is a Love Gift you ask? It can be whatever we want it to be, as long as when it is given, we say “ Love Gift”. It can be the last piece of chocolate, the first pick of the roast pork crackling, it can be I love you written on the mirror, a post it note somewhere in the house. A Love Gift can be anything and for anyone in our home– it is often free – but the value of free in this case far exceeds any other monetary value. You see, it is the thought that counts, it’s the ‘ want to give’ attitude behind it. Love Gifts actually work the best, when they’re hard to give. When we’ve had a disagreement or when the kids have been playing up, it’s at those moments Love Gifts seem to have the most value.
A friend came to me the other day telling me about her relationship and where they were at.. she was so sad it had got to this point and at the same time all four of them were sick and tired and over it. I encouraged her to give a Love Gift. Her first response was why? My response was, because he won’t expect it. The simple act of kindness when all you want to do is stay in a slump, can make a giant difference to everyone in your home. She messaged me a few days later to say that Love Gifts work! Sometimes all it takes is for someone to be the bigger person and show love in the most unexpected way to make unexpected changes to the situation.
My daughter now, even writes little notes to her friends, as a Love Gift. If she notices someone upset she will come home, write and note and give it to them the next day. She said she loves to make people smile and sometimes all it takes is for someone to notice.
Whether in our homes or out in the world, the value of free – goes along way. The thought behind the Love Gift also speaks louder than words, and communicates kindness at the deepest level – something I feel our world needs more of.
Take some time this week to give a Love Gift to someone in your home. Think about who you would cheer up or show love to, outside your home – you never know what difference you will make in someone’s life.
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communication
One thing I love about applying management and leadership tools to family life is the word that keeps popping up ‘ expectation’. I feel this word sums up how the family blueprint can positively impact your family as it sets a level of expectation in many areas of life. The expectation of behaviour, expectation of good, better and best and the expectation of outcomes. Communication is key to setting expectations and navigating obstacles in life.
When writing a communication plan in a project so many elements come together to ensure all stakeholders are informed and are taken on the project journey. Elements of the plan include:
- The purpose or goals of the communication plan
- Information about stakeholders and their roles
- The types of information that needed to be shared with stakeholders
- The methods used to communicate
- The frequency that each stakeholder would like to receive information
Breaking this down, it could read as follows for families:
- Why we communicate
- What we communicate
- How we communicate and with who
- The methods we use to communicate different sets of information
- How often we communicate
Also other important elements of a communication plan, once again altered so it can apply to your family:
- Creates written documentation for reference
- Sets expectations
- Increases transparency
- Provides the opportunity for feedback
- Increases productivity
When stating it creates written documentation – what I will point out is, my family doesn’t have it written down and probably never will. What we have done is talked about it a million times and neither of us will forget the Why, What and Who of our communication plan. Whether you feel your plan needs to be documented or not, remember that excellent communication is the foundation of navigating life’s obstacle course. It will determine how positive or negative the journey through an obstacle will be and how it is resolved. Communication is key.
Start thinking about and writing down the good, the bad and the ugly in your family communication?
What would you like to improve? How do you think that can happen?
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#homesofvictory
You’ll never experience progress without change and challenge
Ken Coleman
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Will of Steel
I am no bird; and no net ensnares me: I am a free human being with an independent will.
Charlotte Bronte, Jane Eyre
I hear the strain in your voice, when you try to get your point across. I see the furrow of your brow, when the response is a blank stare. I hear your heart break, when they seem to purposely choose hurtful words, when they do the opposite of what you asked, just because they can, not because they should. I see your silent tears when they think it’s bravery but you think it’s stupidity. I hear your hearts voice saying, ‘ if only they knew’, I hear the thumping of your heart grow quicker each time they stomp down the hallway ready to tell you their opinion. I see the tiredness and I hear the exasperation, I see the walking away – so you don’t say out loud what you think.
Mumma bear, I hear the laugh in your heart, when incredible things come flowing from their mouth, the same mouth that was throwing poison darts at you only moments ago. I hear the joy, when there is no fight getting into the car, I see the silent – ‘that’s my girl’ spark in your eyes when they take matters into their own hands. I hear the kind words you speak into their hearts when the time is right, I see you snuggle in tight when the day is done. I hear you, ask without fail – how was your day – knowing the answer will be negative. I see you turn up all day, every day because she is yours.
We may never know what thoughts travel through their minds, we may indeed never know the strength of our own strong wills. What we do know is, determination is a mighty skill to have, being able to negotiate and stand your ground – is only for the brave. Being true to yourself, is rare in this world. Speak life into their hearts, and tell them they’re amazing – even when you want them to change and be compliant… we’ve all been there.
I’ve come to learn to spread the boundaries wide, give them the tools to make good decisions, based on the principles you teach them. Hold them as close as you can – they still need you, even if their behaviour says otherwise. Swallow your pride and be the one to always take the first steps to peace. Always, always, always speak life into their hearts. Use as many conversations as you can, at the right time to teach and mentor, to lead and guide them. Our babies may have more determination than their own body weight, they may have better negotiation skills, they may have more grit and more courage than we have ever witnessed, but they are ours and we get to be the only one in the world they call mum.
So Mumma bear this is for you – I see you and I hear you. Though like Charlotte Bronte said, I am a free human being with an independent will – we need to make sure our strong willed kids are wrapped in our love almost without knowing it, wrapped in kindness and protection. They need to know we are always available and will always take the first steps to peace. Likewise, recharge yourself, take time out to take a deep breath. Think of all the billions of people in the world, who is it that you get to call daughter or son. Isn’t it an amazing thought.
Dream of who they will be one day… the achievements their strong will, will allow them to achieve. The challenges they will stroll through, the innovation they will delight in creating. The list of amazing possibilities goes on.
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adjust the sails
The pessimist complains about the wind. The optimist expects it to change. The leader adjusts the sails.
William Arthur Ward
How many times in your everyday have you had to adjust the sails? I find myself constantly juggling the pessimistic and optimistic thoughts in my mind, then finally realising I just need to adjust the sails. I’m a work in progress… aren’t we all.
In the workplace, I feel that I lead with confidence and humility… at home, I feel like my brain falls out of my body somewhere between work and home and I just have a totally different leadership style. By applying this leadership principle of adjusting the sails, to our families it would help us all navigate life just that little bit better. If I stopped complaining about who didn’t do what, and focus on going forward, dealing with it, with a smile, I am sure my home would feel like a different place, I would feel like a different person. Hands up, who has to ask their kids more than once to put shoes on or pack homework, or even pick up a dirty tissue off the floor. Hands up who complains? Hands up who adjusts the sails? It is easier to complain than adjust the sails, but how much better would it be if we were more conscious of adjusting the sails rather than complaining or hoping for change without action.
The way we lead in our home is so important. The best way to lead, is by example. Your children will do what they see and hear. I know for myself when my kids say something the way I say it, I know they have picked it up from me – their leader. I try not to complain and I try to adjust the sails, and no one is asking me or you to be perfect, but I think it is also a gentle reminder to lead by example and take that responsibility seriously. We tell our children all the time, there is always a solution, we just need to find it.
There is always a solution, we just need to find it.
Homes of Victory
Now, after months of saying this to them, they say it to themselves and each other. It makes me smile, as they copy us, they are building resilience with and without us and are being positive about the situation they are finding difficult. We hope we can always speak into their lives and have them copy the good , quotable things we say and not the things we say out of pessimism. By the way, we will always be adjusting the sails in life and in our families, but that also means; we are a work in progress getting better and better.
How do your words lead in your home? How do you lead by example? Think about how you can adjust the sails more in your home.
Homes of Victory 