Hey just checking into see how your end of 2020 is going? Here in Australia along with other countries around the world, COVID is popping up again, and making life a little hectic and stressful. Like everyone touched by COVID, our Christmas plans are becoming more vauge as final decisions cannot be made yet. Life has it’s way of throwing curve balls at us, but at the end of the day its how we respond.
We get it that, we are sick of responding in a half hearted positive way as our energy is sapped with the trying part. We get it that so many changes to what we planned, what we dreamed of, what we are working towards – is draining. We are coming to the end of the year exhaused and wanting to nap.
During this time of uncertainty, take a moment to remember what you are thankful for. List them out. Even if it is one thing. Write it down. Remember it during this time.
Also, take time to rest, not just your body but your mind. Do something that allows you to rest – walk, sleep, exercise – whatever it is – rest.
Lastly, we want to encourage you at the end of the year – to revive your roots. The strength you have found during this year – needs to be acknowledged, the hard days you’ve got through, the unexpected fun days, the changes you’ve made to your family life, the changes to your role at work, the changes to your employment – all needs acknowledgment. These influences have contributed to foundational changes in your ability to deal with stress, change and flexibility due to cirumstances beyond your control – Hooray. See it for what it is. Your roots are going deeper, your capacity has enlarged and you’ve gained life experience that perhaps other generations will never know.
End this year, knowing you’ve grown, you’ve changed and your stronger for it.
We would love to know how your year has gone for you and what skills you have picked up along the way…
In the busyness of my household one morning, I found myself saying out loud to no one in particular “ Why am I always managing your things, put your own dishes away and pick up the mess”… I caught myself remembering a quote I had read at a business event.
you manage things, you lead people
Rear Admiral Grace Murray Hooper
No one responded by the way, so I guessed the other four occupants of my house were clearly not listening or interested in what I had to say. I continued to huff and puff around the kitchen in the bustle of a work / school day morning. Putting milk away, dirty dishes in the dishwasher, finding school lunch boxes, uniforms, wayward socks and whatever else needed doing in between.
We’ve all been there. Caught in the moment of feeling like the maid, the servant, the recipient of the ‘don’t worry Mum will do it’ award… I caught myself as I realized, I was managing the house, but I was also managing the people in it – not leading them how I planned to. Big difference with very different outcomes. So how do we lead the people in our home, when managing comes more naturally, when time constraints encourage the management of rather than the leading of, when managing is just plain easier than leading.
The question I felt I needed to go back to is “Why?”. Why do I want to lead my kids and not manage them? The how, to lead, will follow. The why for me is, I want my kids to grow up resilient, grow up with manners, grow up well rounded, grow up with the capacity to do life, basically to grow up and be amazing… Sound familiar? This all sounds nice in theory and in reality the practical outworking of a goal like this often comes to a grinding halt on a Monday morning… in my case, my reality check came out of the mouth of my 9 year old.
One evening while I was cooking dinner (in my work clothes as I had literally walked through the front door and into the kitchen to start cooking), she sat at the kitchen bench and looked at me. She said very matter of fact, “I don’t ever want kids”. I responded by saying that’s a bit sad kids are fun. She answered “Yeah but I don’t want to have to do everything like you”. Ouch. I must put a disclaimer here that my husband is very hands on around the home and is often in the kitchen or cleaning on weekends. I don’t do everything, and we encourage the kids to carry the load too. What I realised was, it was how I was leading, without even realising, “ doing everything” is what my behaviour was telling my child. It wasn’t my words, it was my actions. Although that thought hurt, it was a truth bomb that I needed to hear. It made me realise I wasn’t focused on the “why” I want to lead my kids, or even “how” any more, I had compartmentalised chores and kids in separate categories.
Coming back to the thought of managing things and leading people;
What is your motivation behind leading your family?
How easily does it drop off the radar for you?
What are some ways to keep it in the forefront of your mind?
How does the outworking of this goal happen in your home?
After the truth bomb dropped ever so eloquently in my kitchen that night, I decided to write it out and make it clear to myself what leading the people in my home should look like. How will I involve the kids, how will I carve out more time with them, how will I alter some of my actions, to make sure what I do matches what I say.
In the end I know that there is no perfect solution to the “how to”, but keeping in mind the why, and the desired outcome will keep me on track to achieving my goal of leading my people and managing things. How about you?
What does leading your children look like for your family?
Do your actions speak louder than words when it comes to leading?
We thought a great way to end the year here at Homes of Victory is to revisit out top 5 posts. Each day this week we will be re-posting your fav posts.
They are in a nutshell:
Why: Victory
Manage and Lead
About us: Justin & Alicia
Moody Teenager
Brave and Leadership trait: Patience tied in the number 5 spot.
It’s that time of year when we are winding down, getting a little bit reflective about the year it was. Can I just pause here and emphasis the words ‘ the year that was’. No one could have predicted what would occur globally in 2020, nor could we have predicted the type of year we as individuals and families would have.
One thing we do, to take control in a way of life – is to set goals. Goals help us focus, help us navigate the noise of life and find success. Here at Homes of Victory we have shared often about goal setting, how your family measures success and living in victory. This post flips that concept on its head, as we start to reflect on the year that was, and look at habits we may have formed, habits we have quietly agreed to – habit unlike goals that may not be the best for us.
I know this year, I have been guilty of dropping the discipline a little by drinking way too much tea, eating way too much chocolate and cheese, and watching way too much Netflix while ignoring every type of exercise ( pretty sure I’m now allergic to sweat) and the ever-growing number of baskets of washing that needs folding… It doesn’t seem like much, but my thinking behind it, is a little dangerous/ unhealthy/ alarming… for want of a better word. I keep saying to myself, it’s ok, if I need to stop because I can and I will. It’s okay, I will start to exercise when I want to – I rarely do – well not like I used to. These habits cannot be broken by one thought – I’ve realized as time has kept ticking, the days have kept passing, that breaking my Covid habits may not be as easy as I would like it to be.
Habits are one of those things that can be positive or negative. Habits – happen little by little. When my kids were little and I was trying to get them to sleep all night in their own beds, I read that after three nights a habit was formed. Never worked with my kids by the way… Another theory floating around is it takes 21 days for it to become a solid habit and another 90 days to become part of normal life. Either way, there are somethings about habits – whether positive or negative that we need to remember at this time of year – especially as we take time to reflect on the year that was and the year ahead:
Habits need:
Commitment to be formed and broken.
Time to be formed and broken.
Discipline to be formed and broken.
What habits have you formed this year that are positive?
What negative habits have you formed this year?
Think about the actions you need to take to make negative habit more positive?
At times we come across moments in our life where we need to make a decision that may seem daunting, that may seem overwhelming, but at the same time feels right. Sometimes we just need to take a step, to the point where we can’t turn back and the decision is set in motion. Then over time the decision seems less impossible, less daunting and more incredible and more satisfying as you discover it was the right decision.
In any given moment we have two options: to step forward into growth or step back into safety.
Abraham Maslow
By taking that brave step into the unknown (think of Anna as she sings this song on frozen…apologies if that song is now in your head), we take ourselves out of our comfort zone and into a place of growth. Fear seems to tag along for the ride when we step out, when we take risks, when we are brave. It’s all part and parcel of becoming who we are. The choice to be brave takes us to places we never dreamed of, being brave takes us towards achievements we only dreamt of.
Being brave doesn’t mean we have no fear – it means we refuse to be overcome by it.
Steven Furtick
Having brave feet that set decisions in motion may look ordinary, may look like regular work boots, stilettos or sneakers. However your brave feet look, remember only you can take the step, determine its path and be responsible for your growth. Own the steps you are taking. Don’t belittle the ordinary looking feet, taking brave steps – mine are often bare feet with sand between my toes, breathing in the depth of decision, and exhaling brave.
Where will your step of bravery take you today? What exciting, challenging opportunity will you take, just by taking a deep breath and taking a brave step. It may take many brave steps to get to where you are going, but take them,one at a time. Take them fast or slow, but keep growing and keep being brave. You can do it.
Often as a leader, we set the pace for the team we lead and the direction of it through a vision statement. In the workplace the vision guides the team throughout the year and points to required outcomes and project deliverable . Writing a vision for your team can be time consuming and thought provoking as it sets the team up for a win and encourages the writing of goals and actions.
Stepping out of the business world for a moment and into the world of family for a moment, I want to challenge you with this question: Have you ever written a vision statement for your marriage or family?
As 2020 is drawing to a close, we are leaving behind unprecedented times, while what is to come globally for 2021 is also unprecedented and unknown, take charge of what you have control of and make your future, the best it has ever been for you and your family.
As parents – as a couple – what impact do you feel writing a vision for your marriage / family would have in your home? Would it be beneficial and set the tone for the year ahead?
Homes of Victory is here to support you and your family when writing a family or marriage vision. The family blueprint is designed to walk you through the process of planning your vision, encourage you to dream big and align it with your family values and goals. To see all the Family Blueprint posts – select the tag below or check out the family Blueprint tab at the top of the page.
It’s never too late to write the vision for your marriage
I grew up in the era of dial up internet – the one where you connect over the home phone line, the one where you got to hear it dial up and connect. It was probably the first time in my life, I realised how impatient I was, that was until these days when wi-fi doesn’t work how it should – that’s a whole other story.
As a kid I knew that the dial up sound, meant connection – to the world wide web. I knew that the connection needed to occur before anything else could. In our fast paced, internet reliant society, the art of connection seems to have been lost. We can text a friend, without asking how they are, we can rush through grocery shopping and not say hi to the cashier, we can scoot through school pick up and not even have to wave to anyone we know, we can even add comments online anonymously. Where has the real connection gone? I even question where has the desire for connection gone?
Sadly, it seems we are all somehow ever so subtly moving towards connection through devices and social media, emails and other group chats etc… Don’t get me wrong, the advancements in technology have greatly benefited the world, families and business, on the flip side though for these great advancements and benefits have come at a social cost.
Is lack of real connection one of the reasons, mental health statistics are increasing faster than ever before? Is it one of the reasons why families are crumbling faster than they can be built? Is it one of the reasons why kids are committing suicide younger and younger and depression rates for 15 – 25 year olds is through the rood?
How can we connect to each other in an already “connected” world? How can we disconnect from the technology around us, even for a moment, to simply connect with our loved ones and friends in a way that equals real connection. The type that fills the soul with joy, the type that encourages and uplifts, the type that fills the love tank.
Connection is needed on so many levels – in family life, in the workplace, in the friendship circles, in the village we are crafting for our children to grow up in. For the support during tough times and the celebrations during the good times – an emoji cannot replicate a real smile, a real high five, a hug or a shared meal.
What if we all for one day, put our tech away – not just on silent, but away, and really made an effort to connect with those around us? What difference do you think it could make?
Think about ways you could connect more with those around you?
Do you want to learn how to fight for your marriage rather than just fight in it? Start attacking the problems that arise rather than attacking each other.
Lisa Bevere
Sometimes we get hung up on the who and what and forget about the why. We can admit, that we have been caught in the cycle of ‘ attacking’ each other rather than the problems in our marriage. We have been there… but once we made a decision to lay it all out on the table, look at the issue not the person, the real issues were laid bare and the work of problem solving began.
Only then, were we able to start attacking the problems and issues in our marriage rather than each other. The thing is, it took a conscious effort to change how we both thought, it took time and calm to lay it all out, it took steps of peace from both of us, to start working on the real issues at hand.
Don’t let the little things, build into big things, where it seems like it’s gone beyond the point of no return. If communication is a problem – work out a better way to communicate, if busy is a problem – work out a way to adjust the busy, if finances are a problem – work together on finding a solution –get professional help, be disciplined, cheer each other on – rather than tear each other apart. If we have learnt one thing, on the journey of marriage – and boy we’ve had ups and downs – is this:
There is always a solution, you just need to find it.
Homes of Victory
You may have the “I love you but don’t like you days” – you may have the I’m trying to keep loving you days, but if you both keep taking steps towards peace and resolution – you’ll take your marriage to a whole new level of wonderful. Fight for what is worth fighting for.
In the last post on influence and persuasion we shared about influence and how we get to choose whether it is positive or negative. Today, we are continuing the conversation about how our words have influence also.
Peggy O’Mara states that:
The way we talk to our children, becomes their inner voice
Peggy O’Mara
What words are soaking into your kids hearts as you raise them? What words will then rise up within them when they face the trials in life? What influence will spill out of them as their sphere of influence grows? I know I want my kids, to hear the words in their heart saying to them, “I am loved”, “ I am good enough”, “ I can do this”, “ I am stronger than I think I am”,“ I am safe”, “ I am cared for”, “ I can tell Mum…”, “ I can tell Dad…” the list goes on. I may not always be there but I know my words will be carried in their heart. They will hear what I have said to them, ring true when the need arises.
For years, I saw the strength of my influence over my children, as a great responsibility and it is, but it was burdensome. Deep down I am a perfectionist and I wanted more than anything to be the best type of influence I could be. The burden became so great, that I probably, no definitely let my influence slip into the negative because I was so hard on myself. After reading this quote, and doing some soul searching of the most emotional kind, I came to realise it is not a burden but rather a privilege and like all things parenting I am never going to be perfect and get it right 100% of the time.
In the end, we may not know how much influence we have, but what we will know is that we made the effort to influence for good.
I’ll leave you with this thought:
Leadership is influence
John C. Maxwell
Take time to reflect on the influence you have?
Do you see it as a responsibility or burden?
Think of times you’ve seen your kids behave in a way where you know it was your influence shining through? How does it make you feel?
Here at Homes of Victory we love to share thoughts and real life with you. This was written by a career woman, who has three young children. She always questioned how to balance life and work, children and career. This is shared with permission and we hope it encourages you and inspires you.
Hey my babies one, two and three.
I wonder if you’ll ever know how much I love you. When the day dawns and the crazy begins I hope you see it’s love that motivates me. When we’re all tired but we need to keep going I know you feel the warmth in my hands when I hug you, the empathy in my voice when I encourage you and the pride that radiates from my heart.
I feel the guilt of work and yet another kind of guilt if I don’t. As I pick you all up after a long day I breathe you all in – one, two, three I miss you dreadfully yet worry I won’t find the strength to make it to bed time. I know at times I’m cranky more than I should be. I know at times I’m in auto pilot. I never wish time away but some days I only want my bed. I wonder if you’ll ever see that I draw my strength from Christ and no one else. I wonder if you see the love I have for you that drives me every moment to keep on going. I’d never quit, never thought to but some days I’ve had to dig deeper than I knew possible just to get you through the day and off to sleep peacefully.
When I hear you wake during the night it is love that draws me to your side. I sleepily step towards your room saying mumma coming it’s okay. My eyes are full of sleep but my heart is always about you my one, two, three.
If it’s a bottle, nappy or cuddle I’m right there. I wonder if you’ll remember my hugs with two hands holding you tight knowing tomorrow you’ll be that little bit bigger and that little bit older.
My babies one, two, three I wonder if you ever notice my long tight hugs. They’re more than just annoying they’re me holding you close to me. One day hugs just won’t be the same so I cherish each one. So much about you is hidden in my heart. Saved and savored. Every day you remind me to laugh and find joy in the little things.
Then, when I tuck you in tight and kiss you goodnight, you whisper with your eyes closed ,”I love you Mumma”. Then, and only then, do I realise, I have wondered in vain and I realise I have been too hard on myself. Forever I will love you one, two, three. Forever you will be my motivation, my joy, my completeness. It won’t matter how big you grow or how fast the years go by – I will always know my heart belongs to you on, two and three. I know your heart too, will always have a special place for me.
As a parent I know my persuasion skills have hit a new level. I feel I am now fully qualified to get what I want, when I want… most of the time without a tantrum from the kid involved. I do think it comes down to practice and by the time I reached the third kid, they know the look in my eye, when I just need to get my own way this time for whatever reason… any one agree?
I do wonder but, what my influencing skills are like and will I ever really know my reach?
In a nutshell, there is are subtle differences between the two words:
Influence means the capacity to have an effect on the character, development, or behaviour of someone or something, or the effect itself.
Persuasion means the action or process of persuading someone or of being persuaded to do or believe something.
When we influence our family it may come down to our mood and how we say things – who has had a child repeat a word the same way you say it? In my home at the moment, my youngest says ‘ seriously’. I know she gets it from me, and she does a good job mimicking me. It may come down to the type of words we choose to use – encouraging or not, how we speak about other people, do we gossip?, do we uplift? The list goes on. Everything we do and say as a parent has influence.
In the workplace, I love to talk to staff about their sphere of influence. What they do and don’t have influence over – how this impacts their work and them as a person. It is really uplifting when you understand, your sphere of influence and how you can impact others for good. I’ve seen staff flourish tenfold when they get it – really get it. They may not be in positions of leadership, but they certainly lead in their sphere of influence. It’s amazing to watch whole teams transform, when individual staff realise their sphere of influence and focus on what they can do rather than what they can’t.
At times, I just love to watch my kids interact with other kids and other adults. I watch to see how the behave when they think I’m not there. The smiles and pride comes when I see them do the things I’ve taught them and come to expect of them. Like my daughter holding the door open for another family at ballet, my son collecting the cones at the end of footy training without being asked, my daughter reaching out to a sick friend in an email to see how she is, those kinds of behaviours make me feel like I’ve done something right in terms of influence.
On the flipside, I have seen behaviours in my kids, where I cringe and think, oh no…, I need to remember to behave better myself next time. Like when I get a bit cranky on the roads and call someone an idiot… or when I’ve yelled because I think no one is listening, they yell at me when they think I’m not listening. Influence works both ways, it does not differentiate between good and bad…
Influence like words, is powerful, more powerful than we give it credit for. Unlike words where we can choose to say nothing, influence never switches off. Even our silence is a type of influence. Luckily, we have a choice to make about how we influence – in a positive or negative way. No one is ever going to be perfect, but we can try little by little to bring a positive spin to our sphere of influence.
I have worked extensively in customer service roles and I can still remember some customers who walk into a space and light up the room without saying a word. This is influence of the best kind. It uplifts and it brings joy. It also shows the power of influence in all its glory.
The next generation we are raising needs us, their family to influence them in a positive way. We need to be the loudest and most positive voice in the hustle and bustle of growing up. Too much of the world relies on the negative to fuel sources of conversation, to fuel the need to feel loved, the need to feel better about themselves. The children we are raising, already have influence and as they get older, the reach of their influence will expand.
Peggy O’Mara states that:
The way we talk to our children, becomes their inner voice.
Peggy O’Mara
Stay tuned for the second part of this post tomorrow. We have more to share on this topic.
What words are soaking into your kids hearts as you raise them? What words will then rise up within them when they face the trials in life? What influence will spill out of them as their sphere of influence grows? I know I want my kids, to hear the words in their heart saying to them, ‘ I am loved”, “ I am good enough”, “ I can do this”, “ I am stronger than I think I am”,“ I am safe”, “ I am cared for”, “ I can tell Mum…”, “ I can tell Dad…” the list goes on. I may not always be there but I know my words will be carried in their heart. They will hear what I have said to them, ring true when the need arises.
For years, I saw the strength of my influence over my children, as a great responsibility and it is, but it was burdensome. Deep down I am a perfectionist and I wanted more than anything to be the best type of influence I could be. The burden became so great, that I probably, no definitely let my influence slip into the negative because I was so hard on myself. After realising this quote, and some soul searching of the most emotional kind, I came to realise it is not a burden but a rather a privilege and like all things parenting I am never going to be perfect and get it right 100% of the time.
In the end, we may not know how much influence we have, but what we will know is that we made the effort to influence for good. I’ll leave you with this thought:
Leadership is influence
John C. Maxwell
Take time to reflect on the influence you have?
Do you see it as a responsibility or burden?
Think of times you’ve seen your kids behave in a way where you know it was your influence shining through? How does it make you feel?
It has been interesting how in the returning to some what normal, the busy has crept back into our lives – almost without us realising. One thing we have noticed in our home especially is that lack of time we as parents put aside for each other. Time to chat, time to hang out, time to relax. Time to invest into our relationship.
This was highlighted to us, in a conversation had with a health professional. We were talking about camping and she mentioned how she loved to go with her teenage kids. She kept mentioning ” we” so innocently, we asked who “we” is. The look of dispair came across her face, and she said, my husband and I are only just ‘ we’ at the moment. I work 12 hour days and we never get to see each other. We are trying to find time together but it is near impossible. She continued that they are committed to trying to make their marriage work, and not let growing apart be the reason they are no longer together.
How many of us, inch into that zone without realising, work, life, everything else seems to be ‘ important’ but we miss the real ‘importance’ of continually building relationships with those we live with, with those we love to do life with, those we have committed till death do us part.
Today’s encouragement is this: carve out some time to invest into those you do life with. It may be a 10 minute coffee, it may be a family game, it may be booking a date night – be proactive today and do something to show your committment to family, committment to marriage, committment to what is really important.
Homes of Victory 