You’ll never experience progress without change and challenge
Ken Coleman
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Tag: strength
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Finding Strength
I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling like I have some sort of COVID fatigue. Where life is still not how it was, even though I don’t really want it to go back to exactly how it was ( read: too busy) , then at the same time, I am liking this somewhat forced down time. Even if it means less in the finances and more in the time tank.
At the beginning of COVID and our first lockdown our family embarked on a daily afternoon walk. We began to love exploring our neighbourhood one street at a time. On one street close to ours, we found written in chalk on a block wall the words,
Stay Strong…. I whispered to my Wi-Fi.
A friendly neighbour…
We loved this ‘encouragement’ and crack a smile every time we pass it. In perfect positioning, our area has terrible internet and with everyone working from home, by lunch time the internet frequently needed a siesta. So this quote is very apt.
Even though this makes us chuckle every time we pass it, and we wanted to ‘socially distant’ high five the person that cheers us up, we soberly realised that we did need to stay strong… we didn’t know how long it would last and sadly we are at the start of a second wave, where lockdowns are starting to occur again.
Here at Homes of Victory, we want to encourage you to stay strong. Tell us how you are staying strong, through this unprecedented year of change. We would love to share your story with other readers to encourage them.
How are you staying strong during this time?
What type of humor reminds you to make the most of the season, even when in all seriousness it is awful?
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Leadership trait: Humility
Every person that you meet knows something you don’t: learn from them.
H. Jackson Brown Jr.
Humility is attractive. Humility is a magnet for integrity, collaboration, appreciation, and acknowledgement. Humility attracts staff, who will want to work with you, look forward to being around you and motivated by you. They know you will acknowledge their efforts, appreciate their hard work, and offer a human side to leadership.
Likewise, when we are humble in our homes, humble toward our children, we show them reality, the realness of life. Yes, difficulties arise, and challenges are met – not perfectly but to the best of our abilities. Granted it may take humiliation to encourage our humility but if our families witness it firsthand, how much more are they going to value us as parents. How much more are they going to value humility and being humble themselves. In turn they will begin to value integrity, want to receive our appreciation, be acknowledged, and finally behave like this towards others.
Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it’s thinking of yourself less.
C. S. Lewis
Never curse a fall. The ground is where humility lives.
Yasmin Mogahed
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If one is lucky, a solitary fantasy can totally transform one million realities.
Maya Angelou
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measuring success 3
I’ve worked in several workplaces, experienced and facilitated a range of performance appraisals. Apologies, I can hear you sighing already – but stay with me. At one workplace, I copied and pasted my answers to each appraisal question for seven years and no one noticed. In my current workplace, performance appraisals are taken seriously and actually contribute to motivating and encouraging staff. Performance appraisals often use stagnant criteria to measure success without taking into account the person, but rather just their output. I love conducting performance reviews as it allows me to connect with my team members, encourage them on a personal level and get to know their personal and corporate goals.
In your family, how do you measure your success? What kind of appraisal do you give your self? What motivates you? In all honesty, for several years our goals slipped by the way side and if we could bath, feed and get our kids to sleep we were winners. All too often though, we would flop into bed and ask each other if we felt defeated. Not a nice feeling.
One thing that we have started to do, is not only set goals that have easy to use success measures, but have found a way for our kids to appraise our performance as parents without them knowing. We’ve taught them to write cards to us every Christmas, birthday, Mothers and Fathers day. They need to tell us three things they like and why. At times the words out of the mouth of babes, have been a source of encouragement and joy. Its easy to be negative and think about what you could have done better but sometimes you need a little wisdom from the younger generation. Once my daughter wrote at the ending of her card that I was the best cook in the world. Hilarious, my cooking is mediocre at best – but not to her. If she sees the best in me, then maybe I should try to do the same. One time our boy wrote that his favourite time with Dad was at home. Nothing spectacular but it shows how he enjoys the every day. Another note we got was about how funny Dad’s, Dad jokes are. It showed us in the silly and the busy that we are doing okay. Our kids notice the little things and so should we.
Navigating success or the feeling of it where kids are kids, life is busy and no end seems to be in sight, it often feels like an ongoing negotiation where we just need to find a solution. I recently learnt that the reward for navigating one challenge is the next challenge. It doesn’t sound too inspiring does it, but in reality it is. The season of kids when working though what family life looks like with additional people in it, is often hard to measure let alone be seen as a success. I encourage you that as a family, learn from each challenge – look for the small wins.” I folded some washing today”, ” I was thanked for lunch today”. Once you start speaking the good, you’ll think of more good. See the good and it will flow into your feeling of success. This in turn will encourage you to keep on keeping on and setting goals and living the life you want.
Think about how your kids encourage you? What things do they say or do that really gives you an idea of how they see you?
List some things that you have learnt due to facing some challenges in the season of children.
Encourage one another as a family to talk about the good things that have come from the challenges you have faced. See the joy of overcoming challenges.
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Freedom starts with honesty.
Judah Smith, author Jesus Is____________________: Find a New Way to Be Human
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Leadership trait: Integrity
I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year’s fashions.
Lillian Hellman
Being honest and having strong moral principles is what integrity is all about. Having this leadership trait means you are undivided and confident in your dealings and decisions. Nothing sways you. This trait when applied to the home, will bring a lasting memory for your children and other half, about how over time your integrity goes before you and that is how you will be known. Having integrity is not always easy and often hard decisions need to be made. Stick to your guns and keep your integrity. It will hold you in good stead over the long term. You will never regret having integrity.
Real integrity is doing the right thing, knowing that nobody’s going to know whether you did it or not.
Oprah Winfrey
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But… I Dreamt Big and Worked Hard
Over the last few months, I’m sure you can agree, that life hasn’t been what we’ve expected. What we planned 2020 to be. What we imagined our business, our home life, our everything to look like. This week, I was talking to a friend who lives on the other side of the world with two children, she told me that although she loves to plan, and dream and plan some more, she hates being disappointed when things don’t turn out the way she expected. This isn’t a control thing, in her case, it’s a ‘ but I dreamt big, worked hard’ and it still didn’t happen.
Another sobering conversation we had this week with some friends, was the impact COVID was having in their circle of influence, those they have built multiple companies with, those they work with closely. The impacts have ranged from being hit so hard with the unexpected that decisions based on the now are being made like divorce or worse. In comparing the conversations, the whole ‘ I dreamt big, worked hard and it didn’t happen’ feeling of disappointment resounds. It impacts everyone, from Mums and Dads, to corporate highflyers and everyone in between. I believe this season has impacted every person – somehow. How has it impacted you? Your family? Your friends?
How often during this season, have you felt like, everything you’ve worked for, dreamt of and even at times achieved is simply gone?
Hold that thought, now I challenge you, to write down all your achievements – go back as many years as you like, then, balance that against your dreams. Are you encouraged by what you’ve achieved? Are you still dreaming? Keep it up – look forward.
Homes of Victory implores you during this unsettling, full to overflowing time of the unexpected that you take stock of what really matters in your life. Those plans you had, may need to go on hold, or morph into something more spectacular. Remember life is not what we own, wear, or do. We influence those around us, more than we can imagine. Seek assistance when and if you need to. We’ve been finding that although we feel we don’t need professional help at this point, we have been catching up with the encouragers and positive people in our lives, to boost us and to inspire us during this season.
Who in your network inspires and encourages you? Who do you inspire and encourages? It may be the perfect time to catch up and talk about this season. You’ll gain perspective and hopefully a smile.
We may feel that our world is crumbling , but one thing remains – who we are in terms of character and integrity. It may be the time to take a long hard positive look in the mirror. This season will not last forever, this season will change us in ways we didn’t expect, let it change you for the better, learn the lessons of this season, they will not go unused in the future.
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Audacious vision never cowers in the darkness.
Steven Furtick, Author or Sun Stand Still; What Happens When you Dare to Ask God for the Impossible.
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consistent & persistent
To be able to lead our family and especially our children there needs to be some grounding and basis for what we do. We cannot choose to do it one day and not the next. We are being watched by our children every day – on our good days and bad days and every day in between.
A few years ago we traveled with extended family to Malaysia. I remember being in a crowded food court with my two of my children and my mother in law. One child was having an epic meltdown, and really wasn’t coping with the noise, smell and crowds. I looked at her with questioning eyes, as I didn’t know what to do. She burst out laughing, saying the melt down she was witnessing was exactly how my husband would melt down 30 years ago… . She suddenly became serious and just said,
Be consistent and persistent
Rebekah
I felt like I was on the receiving end of an old Chinese proverb. It really struck a chord with me.
Her words have resounded in my ears every time, I don’t know what to do, every time my children have a meltdown, every time I want to stay in bed and pretend it’s still night time. I love these words as they are simple yet so true. Another way to put it is, just turn up. Be available for your family – I’m not saying literally be available 24/7 – balance is vital, but be consistent in your expectations and behaviour, be persistent in your responses and attitude and reap the benefits.
Even now, years after having those pearls of wisdom dropped in my heart, I do struggle at times to be persistent in discipline and consistent in my moods, but you know what, we are all a work in progress doing the best we can.
How do the words consistent and persistent resonate with you?
How could you show your family more consistency?
Is there a way you could be more persistent in certain areas of your family life?
Don’t find the fault, find the remedy.
Henry Ford
I love the word remedy – it makes me think of old fashioned rest and recuperation, it makes me think of jelly beans at the doctors surgery, it also conjures up images of fixing things before they get worse.
The definition of remedy is
Something that cures or relieves a disease or bodily disorder; a healing medicine, application, or treatment, something that corrects or removes an evil of any kind.
Dictionary.com
Framing ‘ remedy’ in leadership terms strips back the meaning to something that curers or relieves. It also indicates that the remedy is known and then applied. At times we do not know the remedy to apply, we may not know the potential outcomes or risks involved. What we do know is, at times the remedy needs to go against the grain of fixing and issue and looking at preventing it. An example of an evidence based preventative model is one that stands out was developed in Iceland and is now in Australia. It successfully worked on significantly reducing drug and alcohol addiction in teens. Check out the whole story here.
This type of remedy: evidence based preventative model – is a form of remedy that I have come to understand and be impressed by. So often, the issues in our communities do not have a quick fix, seem like they will never change, or feel like the stigma will never leave. This example of a remedy is inspiring and possible. It shows by thinking outside the box and being creative, solutions to the impossible are made all the more possible.
In your sphere of influence, how would the remedy of preventative measures change outcomes when used instead of reactionary measures? On a large scale some counties have what they call a ‘ fantasy council’ where it is their brainstorming opportunity to find solutions to the somewhat impossible.
How do you create the opportunity for brainstorming and problem solving within your work environment and home?
Do you include your children in the problem solving?
You may be surprised by their contribution – their minds don’t see the obstacles and challenges like we do.
Encourage the positive and explore the opportunities the outcome will be far better than you expect.
We are blessed to call Josh and Cole family. The age gap between us is also large enough for us to have experienced their first date with them, through to their marriage and where they are at now. These two are so genuine and generous of spirit we hope you are inspired by them.
Who is in your family
Josh, Cole, our 3 month old baby, Ben, and our dog, Aria.
Give us some background to what you both do career wise.
Josh specialises in commercial and residential property acquisitions for individuals and businesses. I am a bid consultant and help businesses win work by helping them develop compelling tenders, proposals and grants.
Are you planners or do you go with the flow?
We’re a bit of a mix. I love to plan and Josh is more relaxed and is really good at going with the flow. So we really balance each other.
You have a new baby! What has that been like for the two of you?
It has been a really big change for us. We always knew it would be but it was difficult to genuinely understand just what that meant until it happened. Gone are the days of binge watching tv till all hours, sleeping in, and spontaneously going out but it has definitely brought us closer together. We were friends before we dated and married and that has always provided a strong foundation for our relationship. We have done so much together over the last 13 years! We can always rely on one another for support and having a baby has definitely been one of those times when we needed it!
What has changed in your relationship?
I guess the main thing is that there is a new person in it. It had been the two of us (and Aria) for a long time and now we have little Benjamin who needs most of our time, attention and energy, and he needs different things from each of us.
Did you expect these changes? How have you managed them?
It wasn’t unexpected that life would change and that it would be ‘hard’ but it was difficult to see what life would be like with a baby until we lived it. So we expected it but weren’t fully prepared and I think it has impacted us both as a couple and as individuals. The change is also exacerbated because you have no idea what you’re doing with a brand new baby and you’re sleep deprived to boot!! The current COVID-19 crisis hasn’t made it any easier because it has physically distanced family and friends too.
But we’re learning as we go and checking in. We’re navigating it by being really honest with each other, having a good sense of humour, and not taking ourselves too seriously.
We’ve always been really honest with each other which makes life, and life with a new baby, a lot easier. Talking about the change doesn’t make it go away but it definitely makes it easier to manage and manage it together. As I’m sure most new parents do, we tend to concoct a lot of ideas and theories about Ben’s behaviour which are always good to try on someone else when you’re sleep deprived (although we’ve accepted we’ll never really know or have all the answers!)
What advice would you give to a family with a new baby working through the family blueprint, designing the family life you want?
Be honest about what you need and be kind to yourself and one another. And be will to acknowledge that the blueprint may change so flexibility is really important too (think some planning and some go with the flow!) Before Ben, we would often talk about the vision we had for our family so we had a good idea of where we were headed before we became a true family. In the haze of a newborn you’re just trying to survive! So for us, we know we’ll eventually emerge on the other side together and in the general direction we planned.
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Will of Steel
I am no bird; and no net ensnares me: I am a free human being with an independent will.
Charlotte Bronte, Jane Eyre
I hear the strain in your voice, when you try to get your point across. I see the furrow of your brow, when the response is a blank stare. I hear your heart break, when they seem to purposely choose hurtful words, when they do the opposite of what you asked, just because they can, not because they should. I see your silent tears when they think it’s bravery but you think it’s stupidity. I hear your hearts voice saying, ‘ if only they knew’, I hear the thumping of your heart grow quicker each time they stomp down the hallway ready to tell you their opinion. I see the tiredness and I hear the exasperation, I see the walking away – so you don’t say out loud what you think.
Mumma bear, I hear the laugh in your heart, when incredible things come flowing from their mouth, the same mouth that was throwing poison darts at you only moments ago. I hear the joy, when there is no fight getting into the car, I see the silent – ‘that’s my girl’ spark in your eyes when they take matters into their own hands. I hear the kind words you speak into their hearts when the time is right, I see you snuggle in tight when the day is done. I hear you, ask without fail – how was your day – knowing the answer will be negative. I see you turn up all day, every day because she is yours.
We may never know what thoughts travel through their minds, we may indeed never know the strength of our own strong wills. What we do know is, determination is a mighty skill to have, being able to negotiate and stand your ground – is only for the brave. Being true to yourself, is rare in this world. Speak life into their hearts, and tell them they’re amazing – even when you want them to change and be compliant… we’ve all been there.
I’ve come to learn to spread the boundaries wide, give them the tools to make good decisions, based on the principles you teach them. Hold them as close as you can – they still need you, even if their behaviour says otherwise. Swallow your pride and be the one to always take the first steps to peace. Always, always, always speak life into their hearts. Use as many conversations as you can, at the right time to teach and mentor, to lead and guide them. Our babies may have more determination than their own body weight, they may have better negotiation skills, they may have more grit and more courage than we have ever witnessed, but they are ours and we get to be the only one in the world they call mum.
So Mumma bear this is for you – I see you and I hear you. Though like Charlotte Bronte said, I am a free human being with an independent will – we need to make sure our strong willed kids are wrapped in our love almost without knowing it, wrapped in kindness and protection. They need to know we are always available and will always take the first steps to peace. Likewise, recharge yourself, take time out to take a deep breath. Think of all the billions of people in the world, who is it that you get to call daughter or son. Isn’t it an amazing thought.
Dream of who they will be one day… the achievements their strong will, will allow them to achieve. The challenges they will stroll through, the innovation they will delight in creating. The list of amazing possibilities goes on.
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Blind Spot
A Blind Spot is the difference between intent and impact as a leader, parent, family member. We all have them. Some are more aware that they exist than others.
Being open to knowing what our potential blind spots are – will lead to a fuller, richer and more diverse life.
Being closed to our blind spots is like a bulldozer without direction – the impact will the their – it certainly will be there…. but what trail of offense are you leaving behind? When intent and impact are combined, that’s when true positive change occurs. That’s when new roads are formed. That’s when eyes and hearts are opened to change and a fuller, richer life for everyone in your world.
Take a moment to think about things you may not know about yourself. How others perceive you – due to your behaviour. Do they perceive correctly, or is your well intentioned behaviour having a different kind of impact.
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adjust the sails
The pessimist complains about the wind. The optimist expects it to change. The leader adjusts the sails.
William Arthur Ward
How many times in your everyday have you had to adjust the sails? I find myself constantly juggling the pessimistic and optimistic thoughts in my mind, then finally realising I just need to adjust the sails. I’m a work in progress… aren’t we all.
In the workplace, I feel that I lead with confidence and humility… at home, I feel like my brain falls out of my body somewhere between work and home and I just have a totally different leadership style. By applying this leadership principle of adjusting the sails, to our families it would help us all navigate life just that little bit better. If I stopped complaining about who didn’t do what, and focus on going forward, dealing with it, with a smile, I am sure my home would feel like a different place, I would feel like a different person. Hands up, who has to ask their kids more than once to put shoes on or pack homework, or even pick up a dirty tissue off the floor. Hands up who complains? Hands up who adjusts the sails? It is easier to complain than adjust the sails, but how much better would it be if we were more conscious of adjusting the sails rather than complaining or hoping for change without action.
The way we lead in our home is so important. The best way to lead, is by example. Your children will do what they see and hear. I know for myself when my kids say something the way I say it, I know they have picked it up from me – their leader. I try not to complain and I try to adjust the sails, and no one is asking me or you to be perfect, but I think it is also a gentle reminder to lead by example and take that responsibility seriously. We tell our children all the time, there is always a solution, we just need to find it.
There is always a solution, we just need to find it.
Homes of Victory
Now, after months of saying this to them, they say it to themselves and each other. It makes me smile, as they copy us, they are building resilience with and without us and are being positive about the situation they are finding difficult. We hope we can always speak into their lives and have them copy the good , quotable things we say and not the things we say out of pessimism. By the way, we will always be adjusting the sails in life and in our families, but that also means; we are a work in progress getting better and better.
How do your words lead in your home? How do you lead by example? Think about how you can adjust the sails more in your home.
Homes of Victory 