The outcome of this set of activities is to piece together the top five things you value under six categories that combine to make up family life. The six categories are broad enough to make this activity work for your situation. The commitment for this activity to be of most use is a regular, respectful, truthful and open minded conversation. Set a regular time to stop, relax and chat. Approaching this positively will enable the best outcome of creating a blueprint foundation, but also bring clarity and closeness to your relationship. Be prepared to talk about everything and be open about your feelings. The more transparent you are now, the more relevant and beneficial the final blueprint will be for your family.
How the activity works: 1. Take a notebook and label a page with each relevant category.
2. Write down seperately 5 or more things that are of most value to you under that topic.
3. Reveal your answers to eachother.
4. If some of your responses are the same that’s awesome! They will form the final list of 5 values.
5. Spend some time talking about the other answers that don’t match. Share why and how much you value each point.
6. The aim of the conversation is to have a final list of 5 points that you both agree on to be your priority for now.
To note: Other items on the list that don’t make it to the top 5 or cannot be agreed upon, need to first and foremost respected and then kept in mind. These values will become a piece of the blue print later on. The top five priorities listed here for each theme will feed into an operational plan that looks at the short term ( 1 – 3 years). It is important at this stage to limit the list as only so much can be achieved successfully in a short space of time.
One last thing to note is, some topics may be easier that others to discuss. If the need arises dont’ be afraid to stop the conversation and start again another time, this will make the conversation more worth while and fruitful. You may be surprised by what you find easy or hard to discuss – either way it will be worth it. Stay focused on the outcome and the reasons why you started this activity.
So lets go…
Category One is:
Family Values – What are the core things you value? What do you want your family to be like behaviour wise?
We’ve looked at who we are and now we are going to look at what we need. In this post, we will look at being aware of the needs of our relationship, children and family as a whole.
What we perceive as a need and want can often be confused. To set the scene I’ve gone back to the definitions of both words.
A need is defined as, we require something as it is essential rather than just desirable.
Dictionary.com
A want is defined as have a desire to possess, or do something, wish.
Dictionary.com
Often in leadership we look at Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. As employers and employees we too have needs that need to be met in order for us to feel purposeful and fulfilled in our role. In a family situation, I believe individuals and families have a hierarchy of needs that need to be met.
Part of figuring out what our family hierarchy of needs are, was taking a close look at the five languages of love. Reading the book for adults (and there is one for children), has completely changed how we view each other and our kids. It taught us so many things it was incredible. If you haven’t heard of the five languages of love before or need a refresher, check it out here.
Layering our family hierarchy of needs on top of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs looks a bit like this:
Time is our large base layer – this is what we as a family need the most. Time together. Without it we all feel like we are all falling apart. After a busy weekend of kids birthdays, sport and socialising, I find my kids are far more snugly and less likely to go to bed on their own. They prefer to go into our bed all together with us, chat and fall asleep together. They need their family time hit. Other needs I feel our family has in order of hierarchy is words of affirmation and acts of service. It’s just who we are.
What are the things that you feel make up your family hierarchy of needs?
The individuals who make up our family have varying needs in terms of their own hierarchy of needs. For example one child pretty much lives for physical affection. If I was given a dollar for every time I was asked for a cuddle, I would be a billionaire – no joke. Another child, is a words of affirmation and a love letter under the pillow works wonders for the soul. My third child is completely a time person. Asking them, what their favourite thing to do is and the response will be, at home with everyone. Ask them what they want to do and its always an activity with the word ‘ together’ tacked onto it.
It is important to learn the needs your family has both as individuals and as a whole – it’s not just a personality thing, I believe it’s layered on top of it. So often we can assume, the family needs this or that, so let’s do it. Then we wonder why the whining and complaining starts. I’m not saying change your family activities in light of the whining but take time to listen to the needs of your family and be responsive to them.
Small changes make big differences.
Homes of Victory
For example I am not a words of affirmation person, but my husband is. I’ve had to learn, to say out loud what I think about him, as he loves to hear it. Likewise, I am not a touchy feely person, and having a child who is, has really tested my patience and character. I will always cuddle as I know that’s what they need and love. But I’ve really had to check my attitude – when I am giving the cuddle. Am I rushing, am I rolling my eyes, am I really giving them what they need, which is a big bear hug with two arms. I love it that I’ve learnt to pay attention and respond accordingly, as it is a way of filling up their love tank, but also giving each person in my family what they need. Likewise, my husband knows that since kids have come on the scene I am an acts of service person. Recently, I snuck off to have a nap, which I only do if I am desperately tired. He, kept the kids quiet, unpacked the dishwasher, cleaned it and cleaned the entire kitchen while I was asleep. I know a million brownie points right there. He woke me up as we needed to go out, but as he did, he mentioned he had a love gift for me. Leading me to the kitchen, I nearly cried. Not only had I had an hour of uninterrupted sleep, the kitchen was ready for the next round of cooking. He knew it was something I would appreciate and so he did it with purpose.
By knowing the needs of your family members, it will go a long way to knowing who they are, and what they need, not only in times of calm but when the obstacles of life come.
Think about what your families hierarchy of needs looks like. How do the five languages of love fit into the equation.
Draw your own triangle and add in your family needs. Create a separate triangle for each family member and see what you think there needs are. If your kids are old enough they may want to join in this activity.
The hardest part of raising a child is teaching them to ride bicycles. A shaky child on a bicycle for the first time needs both support and freedom. The realisation that this is what the child will always need can be hard.
Future: dream a little Where do you see yourself and your family in five to ten years? What could you start planning for now, that will come to fruition in that time frame?
Finances: Finances can be a big topic and one that can cause stress. The whole idea of including finances in this activity is that they link to almost everything we do and want to do. It may be worth setting a time frame for this conversation and covering this topic over two or more conversations. This activity is aimed at creating a strategic list of priorities. This is not the time to be working out the ‘ how’. Use this conversation, no matter how long it takes to think big, dream and add a bit of reality – together.
Children: Write down the values you think of when you read the word ‘children’. It may be how many you want, your dreams for them, schooling, where they grow up, and in what environment…
Business / Career: This week explore what your individual goals are, and how you expect to steer your business/career looking forward? What is important to you at present and in the future?
Home Environment – notice here house is not the theme, rather home environment is. List 5 values that describe how you want your family to interact, how you want your family space to be for your family. This is similar to family values from week one, however more practical items will appear on your list.
By now, you should have five or more goals written down, that you are both or all happy about and agreed upon. How do you feel? Excited? Daunted?
For those of you who are not planners, and setting goals seems so foreign, please do not feel that this is not for you. It is, as much as it is for a planner. The action plan that you will create, can be as detailed as you like, it can be at the forefront of all family decisions or not. It can be what you want it to be for your family situation. For us, we are half- half planners. We love to have goals ticking over in the background, while we get on with it and have fun along the way. At times we get really distracted and need to remind ourselves of the goals we set and why, but day to day, we are not dictated by our goals. We know what they are and how much of them we have achieved, but we still like to have an element of flexibility and improvisation.
To put everything in perspective, a strategic plan (which we call the family blueprint) gives you a place to record your vision, purpose and values (which is your family values statement), as well as your long-term goals (the goals you’ve written) and the action plans you’ll use to reach them (what we will now do).
As overwhelming as an action plan can sound, you will get your groove on, once you get started. We found the easiest thing to do, was ask a set of questions, write down our answers and then tweak it as we go along. We’ve added in the questions we asked to form our family action plan. For this we didn’t include our children, but if they have been involved in the process of developing goals or even your family values statement, it may be good to include them in some if not all of the action plan creation.
Activity: Answer the following questions according to each individual goal set.
What: (The goal – as per family values list)
When: (Time frame)
Why: (motivations and how does it link to your family values statement)
Actions required: Include when you plan to complete each task
Measure of success: What criteria will be used, how will failure be dealt with
Link to family budget: Estimated cost and savings plan
Creating an action plan will take time. Work through each goal at your own pace, work together to come up with an action plan for each one.
Once you’ve completed your action plan, take some time to let the goals and outcomes sink in.
Ask, is the plan as a whole realistic for your family?
What adjustments could I make, to ensure every goal is achieved?
A family communication plan is not something that is black and white and formally written out and used to gauge performance. Rather, it is informal and flexible, it has ground rules and clear expectations.
Let’s look at how we are going to lay the groundwork for a family communication plan. First up, work through the next six points together. It will get you thinking about what is working and what is not. Write down your answers in your notebook, to keep a record of the beginnings of your plan.
Assess together how your communication is generally going?
What are some of the things that annoy you the most about your current level of communication?
What are some ways you could improve your level of communication?
Write down some changes you are going to make in your home to communicate better? Be it with each other or your kids as well.
What simple tools could you use to make life hum along just that little bit better?
What communication expectations do you have?
As you start to implement these improvements and expectations, document how you feel the change is working. It may take some time, to realise the extent of the improvement, but be patient. Every family member will adjust in due time.
Reassess your communication plan after one month.
Ask the question – what improvements have been made?
What improvements are there still to make?
Would you add anything to your list of expectations or improvements?
As communication is ever evolving in family life, make sure you always have clear expectations of each family member and ensure encouragement personal growth is at the forefront. You can do this!
Next we will look at the fun part: communicating during conflict.
Working with resource allocation can be tricky, firstly working out the needs and wants, navigating the decision making process, communicating the final decisions and getting the team leaders on board to then be able to run with what they have.
During this season, creativity is entering into the most rigid of processes and encouraging ‘do more with less’ outcomes because of necessity. I have been pleasantly surprised by the significant changes, this season has almost forced upon workplaces and staff for that matter. Even though I have been personally impacted by reduced resourcing I am none the less impressed by the changes outworking during this season. The collaboration out of necessity, the shifting of mindsets,the ebbs and flows of decision making and project delivery methods. It is incredible to be apart of and also witness in the businesses around my city and the world.
In applying these creative methods to our home lives, it may be out of necessity due to reduced finances, or drastic changes in routine, it is interesting to note that out capacity seems to have adjusted and our mindsets have flexed also.
When allocating resources to projects and business as usual tasks I often visualise the game of Tetris. How should the resources fit to have the best outcomes. I must admit to needing some brain breaks lately to order my thoughts and have found myself playing Tetris. Somehow, while lining up the blocks, I am able to creatively work out the solution to the real life resourcing issue at hand. No longer, is it a game I played as a kid, competing to get the highest score, but now its gone to a whole new level of helping me work through resources allocation dilemmas.
What ways has this season forced you to be more creative?
Aside from the negative impacts of this season, what are some positive changes that have occurred?
Ever since I can remember we’ve done this in our home, I don’t even know how it started and I hope it doesn’t end. It doesn’t happen often and it doesn’t happen always but when a Love Gift is given, it often surprises and makes the recipient feel special, it communicates encouragement and love. What is a Love Gift you ask? It can be whatever we want it to be, as long as when it is given, we say “ Love Gift”. It can be the last piece of chocolate, the first pick of the roast pork crackling, it can be I love you written on the mirror, a post it note somewhere in the house. A Love Gift can be anything and for anyone in our home– it is often free – but the value of free in this case far exceeds any other monetary value. You see, it is the thought that counts, it’s the ‘ want to give’ attitude behind it. Love Gifts actually work the best, when they’re hard to give. When we’ve had a disagreement or when the kids have been playing up, it’s at those moments Love Gifts seem to have the most value.
A friend came to me the other day telling me about her relationship and where they were at.. she was so sad it had got to this point and at the same time all four of them were sick and tired and over it. I encouraged her to give a Love Gift. Her first response was why? My response was, because he won’t expect it. The simple act of kindness when all you want to do is stay in a slump, can make a giant difference to everyone in your home. She messaged me a few days later to say that Love Gifts work! Sometimes all it takes is for someone to be the bigger person and show love in the most unexpected way to make unexpected changes to the situation.
My daughter now, even writes little notes to her friends, as a Love Gift. If she notices someone upset she will come home, write and note and give it to them the next day. She said she loves to make people smile and sometimes all it takes is for someone to notice.
Whether in our homes or out in the world, the value of free – goes along way. The thought behind the Love Gift also speaks louder than words, and communicates kindness at the deepest level – something I feel our world needs more of.
Take some time this week to give a Love Gift to someone in your home. Think about who you would cheer up or show love to, outside your home – you never know what difference you will make in someone’s life.
I am in the throes of honing my negotiation skills using my three year old as my muse. Call her what you will, but the term three-nager springs to mind frequently. I do feel a little bit saddened by the fact that she can outwit me, even though I’ve already had two other kids to practice on. My third child seems to be overflowing with spark, wit and laughter.
One thing I have learnt, through her behaviour is the art of making something menial seem so interesting and exciting that I can get her to do what she was just saying no to, without her even realising. Her older siblings have cottoned onto my moves, and watching them negotiate with her is pure joy. Sometimes she wins, most times they do. I’ve taught them the art of distraction, and it works in the most amazing ways. She could be trying to use the computer while they are trying to use it for homework and as soon as one of them says, look a bird, she runs outside calling out “Where?”. She then spends time searching for birds, watching them, asking them if they need to poop… she is totally distracted. We have all learnt her currency and use it to our advantage.
Good management is the art of making problems so interesting and their solutions so constructive that everyone wants to get to work and deal with them.
Paul Hawken
Likewise I have been applying the art of distraction to my family as a whole. When the grumbling over chores starts, it suddenly becomes a game and we have a family champion. When getting ready for school is a drama, we beat the buzzer and all get into the car happy and on time. By making the mundane interesting, I am able to get my team onside and working together – yes at times it is draining, and at times, I just want them to do what they are asked the first time. But – the choices we make to lead, manage and influence combine to create the family life we have.
How can you apply the art of distraction and making problems interesting to your home?
What are your key negotiation strengths?
How do you involve the children in constructive solutions?
Homes of Victory 