Tag: homes of victory

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Blue Print communication

The Whiteboard

Some times as a leader ahem parent, leading multiple people whether they are three years old or thirty three it can be a difficult task. Different opinions, different values, conflicting behavior standards the list goes on. At times we need to stop and as a leader take our team back to the drawing board so to speak and nut out the issues.

In our home, we now have a whiteboard, as we needed to introduce something subtle that would stop the lack of listening and the lack of -not-admitting emotions. ” I’m not tired!”, ” I’m NOT angry!”. You know how it goes, with tired and emotional children… and at times parents.

So how is a whiteboard helping the family with listening to each other? It actually isn’t. What it does do is, it stops us from speaking ( read repeating questions multiple times) and allows us to communicate through the board. It is an additional communication tool, one that has taken away our frustrations and enabled the kids to vent theirs by allowing their creativity to flow. No longer is it the kids trying to articulate words about how they feel, they know they can draw, write or talk to us in the moment of cranky, tired, hangry the list goes on.

When we installed the board we all sat and talked about how it will be used and why we felt we needed it as a family. Needless to say the two older kids love it and use it for its purpose – most of the time, the five year old has now finally lost interest in drawing all over it. Although we have enjoyed looking at the attempts made to draw multiple minions…

We have drawn icons for who is doing what task- an easy visual reminder of allocated chores, we have a table for feelings – happy, sad and tired. We can all tick off how we feel at the end of the day and chat about it at dinner time. One day I even wrote on the board, ” stop fighting” – aimed at the kids. They ran over to see what I had written and within minutes were writing funny responses and the tension had dissipated. We use respectful language on the board, we write quotes that inspire us, we write ” to do” lists and we leave love notes for each other. It has been a welcome addition to our kitchen and the family response has been amazing.

This may or may not work in your family life, but this brain wave from my husband has certainly made an incredibly positive difference in our home.

Take some time this week, to think about how you could adjust or add something small to your family home, that you believe will make a positive difference to your family life.

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Victory

#homesofvictory

The key to successful leadership is influence, not authority.

 Ken Blanchard
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Leadership

#homesofvictory

Never let the odds keep you from doing what you know in your heart you were meant to do.

H. Jackson Brown
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Victory

#homesofvictory

Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.

Judy Garland
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Victory

#homesofvictory

There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind.

C.S. Lewis
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Victory

Consistency is in the doing

In our last post we talked about how consistency is powerful when it came to our behaviour and choices we make as we navigate an unprecedented time of disappointments and seemingly lack of control in most areas of our life.

Another aspect to consistency is how we deal with stress and what feels like blow after blow of COVID related frustrations and disappointments. When we went through an incredibly stressful time in our lives about 4 years ago, my Dad made a comment that I’ve never forgotten. He simply said “beware the of the layers”. After that comment we talked about how stress and external pressures sometimes are a bit onion like layers upon layers.

What I am hearing more and more in this COVID season, is mental health across our nation is in sharp decline and in all honesty I am not surprised. When we start to talk to anyone around us, it seems the layers of worry, stress and anxiety comes out in both words and facial expressions.

I was listening to a pod cast yesterday where the speaker said, the 18 months to 2 years of COVID gives us what scientists call pandemic brain. The amount of decisions and stress our brains have dealt with over this time period is equivalent to 10 years – no wonder we feel tired. (Podcast: Miracle in the Mismatch)

So, how do we stay consistent in the middle of this unprecedented time?

Talk

  • Talk about what measures you can take as an individual and family to bring the stress and anxiety down. This may also be a conversation to have in the workplace also. Think about the stressors in your life, write them down – acknowledge them – then talk about how it could be changed from a stressor to neutral or even better from a stress to a source of strength and motivation. Talking is not easy – but it will get you thinking out loud, you’ll be processing it with some one else and brainstorming together.
  • Talk to someone who can help you make sense of your stress – whether it is a friend, family member or professional – just start talking – get support and the help you need. Their is no shame in dealing with stress, pressures and anxieties.
  • Talk about bringing back the fun. COVID has dampened many plans and exciting things we thought we might be able to do but can’t. At the moment I am lamenting travelling but as a family we brought back the fun and started listing places we could go based on our names. Sounds kind of not fun and a bit silly, but we enjoyed looking up places, dreaming about what some places would be like etc… It is a list we could never afford to fulfill but it gave us some fun and allowed us to dream.

Do

Now that you’ve talked about the serious stuff and everything in between – it is time to take action. Make a list of actions – plan your actions – motivate yourself to fulfil your actions. To give you an idea – as a family we talked about how we are talking to each other could be improved. Our action was to learn about left and right brain and how we flick sides in the use of our brain when we are angry for example. We learnt ways to flick back to calm ( at least calm-ish) and have been practicing that. It has reduced a layer of stress in our home. It was just one way we could remove a stress from the stress column in our minds and move it to neutral.

Keep Going

You’ve got this. None of us were prepared back in 2019 for what 2020 to now would bring – to ourselves, our families, our city, our nation and world. All of us have been touched some how, impacted some how by COVID.

Once you have talked and started to do – keep going. Keep finding ways to bring back the fun, to turn stressors into neutral. Give yourself some grace, allow your self to be sad, be tired, be hurting – but remember to pick yourself up and keep going. One step in front of the other is all it takes. Just take one step at a time. You’ve got this.

What are some ways you are trying to keep yourself even keeled? How are you working towards being consistent?

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Leadership

#homesofvictory

Setting an example is not the main means of influencing another, it is the only means. 

 Albert Einstein
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Leadership Victory

#homesofvictory

Winning doesn’t always mean being first. Winning means you’re doing better than you’ve done before.

Bonnie Blair
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Blue Print

measuring success 2

Following on from the previous post – measuring success, here are some things we’ve learnt as we have started to put a criteria together to measure our success as a family. If you haven’t read the previous post, now would be a good time, to give the following context.

  1. The W factor

“Who” or ” What” is telling us the measure of success? The world external to us or internal contributions like ourselves and our family? I am not the car I drive, the job I work in, the home I live in, nor am I the social media account. I am simply me. Yes, we have goals, but they should be mine and set by me – not anyone else. The internal contributors should be the defining measure of success. All too often it is the external voices that influence us the most. The fine line here of comparison becomes clearer. If I have a better car, if my kids have a private education, if my home is a bigger – the list goes on. The scary thing about comparison is, it doesn’t stop. Putting the brakes on comparison and asking what are the contributing factors that make you happy, is an interesting question. One that may take a while to absorb and think through. The world is full of marketing and promotions that tell you to be the best you must have the best, until the next thing comes along. What voices are you listening to, and what images are you looking at – to feed your measure of success? It may not be easy to turn off the external factors, but the internal voice of yourself and your family needs to speak loud and clear as you take the time to listen. You need to determine your own measure of success, don’t let the collective culture of social media, advertising etc determine that.

What external factors do you allow to influence your measure of success?

How can you make your internal influences louder when you measure the success of your family?

2. Comparison will rob your joy

If you feel like you are on the bandwagon of comparison it can be a hard thing to jump off, but you need to find a way. Even for a day, week or month. When you compare yourself to others including strangers, your family, your children, your home, your have and have nots – it literally steals your joy. All you see is the could, should, would haves. Not what you do have. I become profoundly thankful for toilets after I watched a Netflix episode of ‘ inside Bills brain’. It was about a sanitization project The Bill and Melinda Gates foundation is working on. It made me realise just how much I take simple luxuries for granted, such as running water, garbage collection, electricity, solar power etc… By stopping and being thankful and noticing just how much I do have in my daily life, it has enabled me to stop thinking about the next buy, the next gadget, the next item of clothing and step back and look at our long-term more strategic goals and how I can achieve them. Jumping off the comparison bandwagon was hard for me, it was a conscious thing I needed to do over a period of weeks to change my thinking. All I can say is, it’s been worth it. Don’t let comparison steal your joy.

Think of ways that you compare yourself or your family to others? How can you counter act that comparison?  

Determine a time frame for which you and your family will jump off the comparison bandwagon – a day, week, month, year. Add the end date to your calendar and reassess how you view comparison.

3. F… is it really a fail?

Finally, how do you perceive failure? As an adult I have struggled with a out of proportion fear of failure. I’ve worked through it… slowly. In our family, as a team we’ve decided that how the world perceives failure is not how we are going to perceive it. If we aim for something and we don’t achieve it, we are going to still look for the good and the lessons learnt during the process. We may not feel like celebrating a failure like some companies now do, but we will absolutely see it as a positive and use it to inspire us to be a little more creative, to step up a little more and to dig a bit deeper to reach the goals we set. With that said, we know we need to set reasonable goals to start with.

How do you and your family percieve failure?

What do you think you could do to make it a more positve experience?

4. A renewed sense of time

When telling a friend about our plan to not buy new in 2020, her first response was ” What about the Boxing day sales, you love them”. This is true, but I was able to respond with a smile saying, ” We went to the beach instead”. From this I realised, without even thinking, I chose quality family time over spending money on things I don’t need. You know how the saying goes:

We buy things we don’t need, with money we don’t have to impress people we don’t like.

Dave Ramsey – The total money makeover: A proven plan for financial fitness

The time we would have spent wrangling kids at a busy shopping centre on the weekend, for no real reason, has been transformed into meaningful family time. Our measure of success is no longer the bargain we snagged, but rather asking ourselves at the end of the day, ” Are the kids worn out from a day of fun?” ” Are their love tanks full?”. The interesting thing is, when we have family time, the smiles on the kids faces and the spontaneous hugs we get is amazing. We have found ourselves really proud that we could make the kids feel so full and loved that it overflows. A love full love tank is definitely a new addition to our success criteria.

What does your family value at its core? ( For us we’ve realised it’s time, read the post – )

Once you start gathering your crierteria of family success, this will feed into your family blueprint. Write down some elements that contribute to your family’s measurement of success?

Categories
Blue Print

obstacle course 2

Who we are?

So you think you know each other… Answer me this, how you would your other half respond to the following questions?

We came across this book in Typo … ” What if”

Guess the other person’s answer, then ask them for their answer and have good laugh. If your kids are old enough have some family time and ask them these questions too. We had some great family laughs listening to the ‘why’ in their answer.

  • If you could be a professional sports player, what sport would you play and why?
  • If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
  • If you were given an aeroplane ticket to any where, where would you go and why?
  • If you could be a character in a book, who would you be and why?
  • If you could be famous, what would you be famous for and why?

Did you already know your partners answers? Did some answers surprise you? At times, we think we know the person we do life with, other times we are surprised, perhaps disappointed or other times completely in awe of how they handled a situation.

A great place to start when navigating life’s obstacle course is to really know the person you do life with. Not just as friends or lovers, but know how they really tick – in all circumstances. Know how they will handle stress, if they are a fight or flight kinda person or if they will lead the charge – just know who they are.

We came across a great website through some work training we did, Http://16personalities.com/. We have never before come across such a detailed and accurate personality test. The results work through the personality strengths and weaknesses, parenting style, career paths, friendships, romantic relationships and workplace habits.

The interesting thing about the results was, I learnt so much more about the guy I do life with, and I thought I knew him well. His response to my results were to predict what I was going to say as I read them out loud to him. Jokes aside we both learnt more about each other, even though we’ve been together for 17 years. Even though our kids are too young to take this personality test, we can see some of our personality traits in them, by knowing who they are in a more detailed way we have been able to connect with our kids better. It has also, made us both aware of each others strengths and weaknesses and we can work together on strengthening the weaknesses – which is always a good thing.

In case you are wondering I am married to a protagonist and I am a defender.

Take the time to go through the quiz and enjoy learning more about yourself and each other. It will absolutely help lay the foundations for navigating the obstacle course – as you will get to know eachother better.

Write down 5 things you learnt about yourself and about the one you do life with. Use these things to grow your relationship and build a firm foundation of understanding each other.

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Blue Print

obstacle course 3

We’ve looked at who we are and now we are going to look at what we need. In this post, we will look at being aware of the needs of our relationship, children and family as a whole.

What we perceive as a need and want can often be confused. To set the scene I’ve gone back to the definitions of both words.

A need is defined as, we require something as it is essential rather than just desirable.

Dictionary.com

A want is defined as have a desire to possess, or do something, wish.

Dictionary.com

Often in leadership we look at Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. As employers and employees we too have needs that need to be met in order for us to feel purposeful and fulfilled in our role. In a family situation, I believe individuals and families have a hierarchy of needs that need to be met.

Part of figuring out what our family hierarchy of needs are, was taking a close look at the five languages of love. Reading the book for adults (and there is one for children), has completely changed how we view each other and our kids. It taught us so many things it was incredible. If you haven’t heard of the five languages of love before or need a refresher, check it out here.

Layering our family hierarchy of needs on top of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs looks a bit like this:

Time is our large base layer – this is what we as a family need the most. Time together. Without it we all  feel like we are all falling apart. After a busy weekend of kids birthdays, sport and socialising, I find my kids are far more snugly and less likely to go to bed on their own. They prefer to go into our bed all together with us, chat and fall asleep together. They need their family time hit. Other needs I feel our family has in order of hierarchy is words of affirmation and acts of service. It’s just who we are.

What are the things that you feel make up your family hierarchy of needs? 

The individuals who make up our family have varying needs in terms of their own hierarchy of needs. For example one child pretty much lives for physical affection. If I was given a dollar for every time I was asked for a cuddle, I would be a billionaire – no joke. Another child, is a words of affirmation and a love letter under the pillow works wonders for the soul. My third child is completely a time person. Asking them, what their favourite thing to do is and the response will be, at home with everyone. Ask them what they want to do and its always an activity with the word ‘ together’ tacked onto it.

It is important to learn the needs your family has both as individuals and as a whole – it’s not just a personality thing, I believe it’s layered on top of it. So often we can assume, the family needs this or that, so let’s do it. Then we wonder why the whining and complaining starts. I’m not saying change your family activities in light of the whining but take time to listen to the needs of your family and be responsive to them.

Small changes make big differences.

Homes of Victory

For example I am not a words of affirmation person, but my husband is. I’ve had to learn, to say out loud what I think about him, as he loves to hear it. Likewise, I am not a touchy feely person, and having a child who is, has really tested my patience and character. I will always cuddle as  I know that’s what they need and love. But I’ve really had to check my attitude – when I am giving the cuddle. Am I rushing, am I rolling my eyes, am I really giving them what they need, which is a big bear hug with two arms. I love it that I’ve learnt to pay attention and respond accordingly, as it is a way of filling up their love tank, but also giving each person in my family what they need. Likewise, my husband knows that since kids have come on the scene I am an acts of service person. Recently, I snuck off to have a nap, which I only do if I am desperately tired. He, kept the kids quiet, unpacked the dishwasher, cleaned it and cleaned the entire kitchen while I was asleep. I know a million brownie points right there. He woke me up as we needed to go out, but as he did, he mentioned he had a love gift for me. Leading me to the kitchen, I nearly cried. Not only had I had an hour of uninterrupted sleep, the kitchen was ready for the next round of cooking. He knew it was something I would appreciate and so he did it with purpose.

By knowing the needs of your family members, it will go a long way to knowing who they are, and what they need, not only in times of calm but when the obstacles of life come.

Think about what your families hierarchy of needs looks like. How do the five languages of love fit into the equation.

Draw your own triangle and add in your family needs. Create a separate triangle for each family member and see what you think there needs are. If your kids are old enough they may want to join in this activity.

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Blue Print

Measuring success

In a day and age when products are built to only last a short amount of time, when marketing and promotions are becoming more subtle yet more in your face, how do we move beyond having the latest and greatest and measure success in real terms. Rather than always wanting more, how do we become satisfied and dare I say content with who we are and what we have? 

This year our family is embarking on an adventure of not buying anything new. Before your mind wanders, we do have a list of exceptions that includes undies, socks, school books and food. As a family, if we want / need to buy new we will first work on finding a solution that involves recycling, reusing or refusing. If it falls into the want category it is automatically refused. Tough hey.

We have worked through the differences between need and want, the need for discipline when wanting to simply wander the shops for the sake of it, not adding things to our home just because and becoming more creative and slowing down to appreciate what we already have. In all honestly, we have more than enough and I instigated this adventure initially to save money. The kids became excited about the sustainability aspect as we all jumped on board. My excitement I do admit dissipated fairly quickly as I realised I couldn’t buy any new plants… With that said, seven months in and all family members are still on the bandwagon and we have been more creative and thoughtful with our purchases.

Taking time to think about a success criteria for our family project, got us thinking in broader terms of what type of criteria makes up, how successful we feel in life. It is easy for us to list the things that make us feel more successful – like career, car, home, kids, education. Digging a bit deeper and asking ‘Do these things really make us successful?’ revealed some interesting things, some things we weren’t prepared for and likewise things that have made us become more deliberate in how we rate our family success and how achieving our criteria makes us feel.

Think about what factors contribute to how you measure success in your family.

Be sure to read the next post on measuring success to find out what three things we learnt.

Categories
Victory

The hard question

I’ve worked in various roles that have always involved at one time or another – asking a hard question. It could be asking staff if they feel their behavior is appropriate, it could be asking a customer if how they are speaking is beneficial to the situation, it could be asking management to reconsider their decision… but when I get asked a hard question it’s a whole other level of feeling uncomfortable.

You see what I find the hardest question to answer is – what are you afraid of…How did you react to reading that? Is it a hard question for you to answer?

I used to think it was easy… snakes was always my first response. I know I’ve grown up in Australia where snakes are just a thing, to be honest I’ve only ever come across about 5 in their natural habitat. None of which were aggressive – but that fear still exists in my psyche.

Now… I feel it is such a reflective question – where at times we can bury our greatest fears in our goals and ambitions, our actions and thoughts. When I drill down past my fear of snakes – I get to a point where I fear failure – I still see it as negative… brushing past that – I fear that I won’t raise my kids well… do you see where I’m going with this??

We need to ask ourselves the hard question – not wait for someone else to challenge us – but really take time and take an honest look at what we fear? Why – so we can conquer it and look forward without fear and without any anchor dragging behind us.

As a leader it’s so important to lead your team – whether in the workplace or as a family on this journey as fear holds us all back in some form. With that said as a leader it is so valuable to be vulnerable and answer that question for yourself. Not with a 10 second answer like my snake answer – but a well thought out reflective answer. It may just change the way you lead for the better.

Ask the hard question in your home and in your sphere of influence. You may not get to hear the answer – or you may – but remember that fear is like an anchor dropped in the ocean – dragging behind you, slowing you down every time you reach up towards that goal. Don’t be held back. Name the fear – learn from it – grow from it and use it to fuel your motivation rather than hold you back.

Categories
Blue Print

the obstacle course

part two of creating a family blueprint

I am a very visual person and I feel that the words ‘obstacle course’ aptly describe how life feels some times. At time we just need to grit our teeth and keep going, it may feel like we are crawling through mud, or climbing a never ending ladder, but one thing that always remains is change. Change is guaranteed to be a constant in our lives, so too are the ups and downs, most of which we have no control over.

One thing we can do is build a firm foundation on how to deal with what life throws our way before it happens so we are prepared and we limit the impact where possible. Before you ask, this foundation does need to be flexible and created with an open mind, otherwise it won’t work. If the following sets of conversations occur before further obstacles come our way, they will be more manageable and easier to navigate. The aim is to come out of life’s obstacles stronger and better for it, rather than defeated So lets get working on creating our obstacle course foundations.

Over the next six weeks we will be looking at the following:

part one: Who we are?

part two: What we need?

part three: Success factors

part four: Communication plan

part five: Time management plan

part six: Disaster management plan

Categories
Blue Print

blueprint summary

Congratulations, you made it through the first part of creating a family blueprint. we hope you enjoyed the conversations and spending time doing so with the one you do life with.

How do you feel you went coming up with your blueprint foundations? Were you able to come up with a list of five priorities for each category? We found it hard and at times we both got a bit offended, a little bit cranky, but at the same time we laughed and dreamed and really enjoyed having a conversation that didn’t center around our kids.

Which was the easiest topic for you to talk about? The hardest?

For us, the money talk was easier than expected. It was the conversation about kids that took us weeks to muddle through. I must say though, it was an interesting conversation that needed to happen, as it changed the course of our future, as it was when we decided to have a third child. It almost came down to I would love a third child, if you don’t we don’t do it, but we need to reach a decision. ( For us time was ticking…)

Did you use any of these conversations to make any life changing decisions?