Tag: communication

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Leadership

in conversation with Luke & Heidi

I would like to introduce our second in-conversation session. Sometimes it’s encouraging to hear how other families do life. We’ve known Luke and Heidi for eight years and met at a parenting course – of which they were presenting. These guys have been a source of encouragement to us over the years. Teaching us to see the positive in everything and to not sweat the small stuff – everything is small by the way. They’ve run businesses for many years and now Luke is a state manager and Heidi works as a pediatric nurse. They live a life of adventure and fun. We hope you are encouraged by this conversation.

Who are the members of your family?

Luke (40), Heidi (40), Ariella (15), Noah (13), Sian (11), Rose(8)

Are you planners or do you go with the flow?

Hmmmm – a bit of both. We have a lot of things planned like sports certain days and all sorts of school activities the kids like to be involved in. But we also can go with the flow if needed… like last minute dinner parties with friends work well for us, we more plan things as we go than have them booked in months in advance. Unless you mean planners with what type of family we want? In that case we are definitely planners rather than go with the flow. We deliberately talk about the type of family we want to be like and intentionally work towards that.

What does your normal week look like?

Sometimes chill and sometimes crazy!!!!! My big two kids like to join every team (multiple sports teams, debating team, musical, study groups) so at times between them we have something on every day, then there are seasons ( or terms) where it’s pretty chilled and calm. It also depends on my work – sometimes I work random shifts all over the place and other times just one day a week. So we kind of need to be able to adapt and go with the flow or we would fall apart! I keep the mindset “ it always works out in the end”… and it always does. Sometimes one week may just be crazier than others! One thing the same everyday if every week – we always have dinner together. Always. No TV during the week either.

Your family is passionate about foster care. What effect does this have on your family life?

Sometimes it’s a huge effect – like when we suddenly had a newborn baby with a days’ notice! And he stayed for 5 months. Or when we had two toddlers for a weekend who were extreme levels of activity and behaviour which took every single second and me and Luke’s time to watch them and keep them safe. Other times it’s just lovely and adds to our home. Some little babes we have had for a weekend and the kids adore them. It’s like a fun playmate all weekend and they absolutely love having them to care for. The conversations we get to have around topics such as “ why is this child in care”, “ why they have been taken away from their parents”, “ why certain foster children behave the way they do”, “ why the teenagers in foster homes might act the way they do.. I feel it brings a huge level of compassion, understanding, empathy and life lessons for our children they may not have been exposed to otherwise.

What measures have you put in place to make it a great experience for your family?

I have heard from many grown adults whose parents used to foster, they hated it. So we go to great lengths to make sure the kids have a positive experience with it – or as much as we possibly can. This means keeping the negative conversations about foster care and the system to grownups. We allow the kids the express their feelings openly – so they feel comfortable to say , ‘ I wish the baby wasn’t here” – knowing that it is okay you feel that way today, but remember this baby has nowhere to be other than right here, right now. They have not been cared for well and had a tough time, isn’t it a blessing we can help them? They won’t be here long but aren’t we blessed we get to impart some love and joy into their lives for a short time” – etc…

I also made a conscious effort to not say to my children ‘ I can’t do that” or “ I don’t have time for you because of the baby” so sometimes that is exhausting for me. To suddenly have a newborn and be living on that sudden lack of sleep – but not say to your biological children you don’t want to read to them a book because you’re tired is hard. But I feel it is important to do. Another measure we have put in place is we have told the department we only take children under a certain age.

What advice would you give to a family working through the family blueprint, designing the family life you want?

Think long term not short term. Think about the outcomes you want. It’s worth putting some effort into making the blueprint for your family. If you have a goal then you can focus on that… over time it will hopefully come to pass. We have always been big on manners and respect. Sometimes when they are young you can think it’s not working and it’s futile and then one day you get a text from a friend saying ” your kid was the only good one at the party who said thank you for dinner”. and you suddenly realise it’s all paying off.

Family life – what kind of life do you want? If you don’t plan it, you may find you’re quickly going through life thinking ‘ This isn’t what I wanted for my life’. But if you never take the time to plan it, it won’t change. It’s not hard to create the life you imagine, you just need to take time to plan it and focus on achieving it. What’s important to you? What do you see in the future for your family? What steps do you need to take to achieve that?

My advice is pick a few main family goals and work towards those. For example ours are:

  1. To create contributing human beings, acting in their giftings knowing and bringing love, joy, peace… knowing life is about more than them and they should serve a greater vision.
  2. To create family dynamic that will last until we die- true family connection that will support each other, laugh with each other and cry with each other into each other’s old age.
  3. Fun – adventure – health.

Does the blue print work for a family like yours where planning isn’t your thing?

Yes. When you answer the long term questions you don’t need to wake up each day trying to answer the little questions. When the big questions are answered, the little questions don’t need to be thought about and discussed all the time as we already know the answer to the day to day questions. For example ‘ Should we go to church today?” – the long terms goal is God loving, church going, Christ honoring family – therefore short term questions of should we go to church doesn’t need to be asked as the long term goal, already tells us yes.

Categories
Victory

the determined leading the determined

My eldest child is incredible as are all my kids but you know the minute your first child is born something happens and you go all gooey and soft while floating on a cloud of amazement. This happened to us… then she grew and so did her determination, until it surpassed her physical size while her ability to negotiate knows no bounds. Granted in the big bad world, these are great skills to have, but when you are a child living in a family context these skills only serve to add a wrinkle or two to your parents faces.

On a positive day, I face her determination which I refuse to call stubbornness, with my own determination, knowing one day she will thank me for taming her just a little. On a bad day… I ask myself, why… then I realise, every.single.time – she is me. We have been known to stare each other down, I always win of course… she will frown at me, the same way I did to my parents as a kid, she always laughs when I tell her I invented that frown. The boys in the family seem to somehow disappear when they know the two girls are butting heads…

So then, how do the determined lead the determined?. At this point, I wish I could just say – with great difficulty – good luck. That would not however be the whole truth. The truth is – it’s a work in progress. It’s a challenge that needs to be met with both stamina and grace.  We may need to dig deep, but the outcome is worth it.

I have been in situations at work, where my determination has clashed with others determination – and not always in a positive way. For example many years ago a team member came up to me and bluntly said, that she should have my job. Purely because she was determined to get it, even though she was not qualified. I’ve had staff sit and literally do nothing, because they wanted a reaction. I’ve even had a customer, say they’ll call the police unless they get their way…   You could say I’ve come up against some very determined people in my career, but I sometimes feel I get the last laugh, as I too am determined.

To paint the picture of it quickly ,as a kid I would call family meetings where everyone had to sit around the dining table and listen to me. The only agenda item was – Dad needed to say yes to a family dog. He always said no. Long story short, we had a cat we (read my Dad – love you Dad) needed okay wanted to give away, so my sister and I agreed to cry until we got a dog. Twelve hours later, Dad said yes to a dog, the tears magically stopped and we went to sleep in the early hours of the morning… I think my Dad is still scarred from the tears…

Leaving the emotions at the door when working with determined ahem stubborn staff, is easier than dealing with determined children. One thing I have had to learn with my determined child, is to try to take the emotion out of it, pick the battle and see the strategic outcomes before you achieve them, I like to think of it like a game of chess. If you are not familiar with the game of chess, now is the time to learn…

Think about it – I as the determined person, am trying to get you another determined person to do what I have asked – and you don’t want to do it – in life, especially family life a stalemate is often not an option.

How do you think a game tug of war is won? At times, it is sheer strength of one team over another, other times is it the timing of one team pulling with all it’s might. Knowing when to hold tight or when to pull and win, is 90% of the battle. The final 10% is knowing what outcomes you want, before they can say no, while taking the emotion out of it.

I have heard some pearlers come out of my daughters mouth, when my only reaction can be silence or a rye smile. She has said things like “I can’t put my clothes away, I’m busy designing my mansion”, ” You have a memory, use it”, ” Can’t help, reading”. Another one, when she was four, she said, ” I need a helper to fold my jammas”.

The thing is also, she isn’t trying to be rude, but she can certainly come across rude – so I am also then navigating her emotions and motives. Not only does the strategy of chess work, it encourages me to look at the big picture and not the tiny battles that may not be worth winning. I set boundaries around her, and often let her use her own way to get to the outcome. It’s a matter of finding what works – I call it her currency. I also apply this to the workplace. Often staff are looking for approval, encouragement, a kind word, to be appreciated. At times, all it takes is a few words or a short email to make a huge difference in their attitude. It can take the determination in some one and enable them to use it for good. Because when they choose not to, like we all can at times, the strength of determination used the wrong way can have a huge ripple effect.

The final thing I will mention is, it looks like my third child, my second daughter is going to be just as determined as the first… wish me luck… I’m gonna need it.

Categories
Leadership

Proud in the crazy

Homes of victory as you know is based on encouragement, real life situations and of course building community. I need to admit that this morning was a trial of all kinds, and it really put me to the test. Our whole family has struggled with tiredness after we stayed up too late playing games. We set the week up for disaster without realising, as we were having too much fun. To make it worse, I’ve been a little unmotivated lately and flounder around when I should be getting everyone ready for kindy / school and work.

I was thankful that this morning I remembered to ask the kids if they had anything else they needed to pack for the day and although not totally unexpected, no one had actually done anything or thought about the day in any shape or form and as you know, we were suddenly running late.

To add to it, one child forgot an assessment they needed to hand in and only told me at the school gate after I had battled the kindy and school run traffic. I took a deep breath and put it all in perspective. This was the first time in six years of schooling that something had been forgotten. I knew that she knew it was her fault and I knew it wasn’t on purpose. It was just how it was.

In that moment, I chose to respond gracefully – in fact I responded far more gracefully than I expected myself to.  It was one of those hi-five yourself moments. I detoured back past home, back to school in the crazy traffic (what is it with drivers at that time of day), dropped off the assessment and got to work late – the first time in about 10 years mind you. I was unhappy about being late, as I am always on time every time, I was a little proud that I didn’t get upset and rant and rave as I would have in the past. I lead by example. I lead by putting the situation in perspective. I lead by staying clam and looking at the facts. 

I always tell my kids,

I don’t expect perfection, but I want you to do your best.

Leesh – Homes of Victory

I also, know that they expect that of me. Today I feel I out did myself and took a step up in terms of leadership.  I know that they will remember how I responded to that situation, and how I spoke to them. They will hopefully at some point reflect that in their life too.

Have  you had a moment, where despite everything going on, you chose the high road? A give yourself a hi-five moment.

What kind of moments have you had, where you were proud of how you lead your children? Lead your family?

Categories
Victory

Monopoly

What do you think of when I mention the word monopoly? A long board game, family fights, cheating, having to be the banker, getting out of jail… some how passing go, working out how to buy Mayfair…

I feel it is timely to write about a game that truly leaves its mark on family life generationally. I have fond memories of playing monopoly on family holidays growing up, even though the games often ended in tears. My Dad never showed any mercy and would win every game. My brother and I would try to conjure up ways to potentially beat him, but he always seemed to be one step ahead.

Now with my own family, other than to highlight my thankfulness for the shorter version of the game, we are making our own memories. Just to note: I am now Mrs Competitive who is more than happy to wipe the board every time and claim to be the winner… That aside, it is interesting to see the family dynamics play out. One child, must be the banker and real estate agent at the same time, he will also be the one to say, you don’t have much money left can I give you some. He is the risk adverse player and one who invests carefully and thoughtfully. Another child, just plays her own game, not paying attention to what anyone else if doing, she is focused on her property and available cash. Neither of them, are yet to pick up on my ruthless plan that ensures I win every time.

My thought is, how often do we spend time, just watching and thinking about the people in our life – whether family, friends or work colleges? Do we observe them, do we understand who they are ? How they are treated and treat others? Do we even want to know? I would argue we should – then we know how they tick and how we can best be a support to them when the need arises. For example, I know when one of my work mates is stressed, she loves to tell everyone she is stressed. That is my cue, to sit with her and work out what the next hour / day/ week needs to look like to minimise the stress and focus on outcomes. For me, this is not hard, but it wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t pick up on her behaviour when she is stressed.

This goes for my kids also. One of my kids, often has a shower to clear their head and reset. I’ve had to say to them, you don’t need to ask to have a shower, just do it. I know, if the shower is on at an odd time of day, the reset button is being pushed.

It may be time, if you haven’t had a family game of monopoly for a while, to play together. Use it to observe the dynamics and how well your family team works together. It may highlight some areas to work on, it may also, make you smile at how your family team works together.

Categories
Leadership

enable

Enable means to provide (someone) with adequate power, means and opportunity or authority (to do something.)

Dictionary.com

Home of Victory has been designed to enable. The platform of Homes of Victory is built from a place of encouragement and seeks to provide opportunities for families to improve things in order to live in victory.

Aside from Homes of Victory, I love to encourage. I feel like it is one of my gifts, even a talent. I love taking kind words and wrapping them up in love and giving them to someone who is unsuspecting, someone who is in need of kind words or someone who doesn’t even  know they need kind words until they receive them.. I’ve always related easily to the word encourage which like enable is a verb meaning :

Encourage means to inspire with courage, spirit, or confidence

Dictionary.com

Since learning more about the words and their meaning,  I’ve come to realise enable and encourage are two very different things, although they work really well together, some may say in collaboration. Enable to me is the stronger more practical of the two words as the definition includes the words  adequate power, means, opportunity and authority. While encourage is the quiet strong emotion, as it has the words courage, spirit and confidence in its definition. While I love to encourage, I also love to enable.

What can you do this week to not only encourage someone but enable them? Who can you build up with kind words? Who can you give adequate power to, to ensure they can use their gifts and talents to their potential? Who can you give the means and opportunity to?

It may be one of your children? It may be your other half? It may be a work mate, friend or stranger. Whoever you choose make sure you enable with purpose and enjoy the giving process. This world needs more kindness and it certainly needs more encouragement. Let’s see who we can enable this week.  We can’t wait to hear your stories.

Categories
Blue Print

in conversation with Ben & Christina

Who is in your family?

Benjamin (39), Christina (39), Zachary (6), Abigail (3)

Are you planners or do you go with the flow?
We are planners. Going with the flow is quite stressful for us.

What does your normal week look like?

Well before Covid-19 our normal week was very full. We both work every week day, Zach has school and Abby has day care. In addition we try to fit in extra curricular activities and Ben is at soccer training at least three nights a week.

Weekends are then full of grocery shopping, house chores,squeezing in some rest, birthday parties / socialising, church, getting ready for the week ahead and a soccer game for Ben that generally takes up a whole day.

You are now embarking on an exciting project outside of work, that takes up a lot of time, how do you make that work for yourselves and the whole family?

We are currently developing an app, which is exciting. I knew I couldn’t do it myself so I have employed the services of an app development company. Ben and I have worked through the specifications for the app after the kids have gone to bed. I am the one that has all the interaction with the software company and reads all the documentation. Then I sit down with Ben and explain it to him and get his input into the design and features. We also like to talk about it randomly while we are out and I will take notes on my phone. When we have a version to test I know Zach will be excited to participate in testing.We have made sure that this project doesn’t impact much on family life and as such we are taking it a bit slower and only doing it when we have time.

What advice would you give to a family working through the family blueprint, designing the family life you want?

Our family needs to do this too, so first step would be to recognise that you need to do this! We don’t have a blueprint written down but we do have agreement on some things that we adhere to and these have come about from good communication and purposeful planning. Things like taking regular holidays, living on a budget, keeping the kids active, involving our kids in Christian communities, ensuring our kids see us giving our time and resources to help those in need and to help the church. All these things take planning and sacrifice. Our lives are very busy so we have made some very conscious changes this year that is helping a lot:

  • We employ a cleaner to free up more time to spend with the family
  • We use a shared calendar on our phones to improve communication
  • We employ a gardener when needed
  • We have paid for a bus to take the kids to after school activities.
  • We incorporate swimming lessons into the after school care session, so we are making one less trip out.
  • We changed to a daycare centre closer to home, which also has extra curricular activities like swimming available.

These changes have all worked to improve the time we have together as a family and has saved us a lot of running around. Our budget hasn’t suffered either because it means I’m able to maintain my working hours.