If one is lucky, a solitary fantasy can totally transform one million realities.
Maya Angelou
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Category: Victory
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in conversation with Zafer & Erin
You know when you meet someone and you automatically know you’ll be friends for life… well Erin is that person for me. We grew up together, having sleepovers, playing sport, loving life. As we got older, our husbands came on the scene and as it happens in life, it takes you to places in ways you could never imagine. The one thing that has stayed, is our love for each other and deep rooted friendship. We’ve literally been thousands of miles apart for years, we see each other about once every three or so years, but the friendship has remained. Thank heavens for technology where we can talk anytime and be in contact when we want to be. In this conversation, Erin will show you brave in its rawest form, together they will show you love on a deep level, and show you how life doesn’t have to be what society expects. Enjoy.
Due to COVID-19 and Zafers job, he is currently away and has been for months, unable to get home. So Erin has spoken to me, on his behalf also.
Who are the members of your family?
My husband and I have twin girls who are 9 years old.
Are you planners or do you go with the flow?
When he is home we love to plan, it does seem to work out most of the time as his time home is limited so we pack it in to enjoy our time together. Although we get tired, we have made so many memories this way.
When my husband is not here, I tend to just go with the flow for my girl’s sake and not have every weekend planned, as we have school/sports/extra activities that take a lot of time.
What does your normal week look like?
When Zafer is home we take turns getting up for school drop-offs. We spend as much time together as possible, but at the same time want to give each other space to see our own friends and have alone time. Sounds weird?!?!
Because I’m still learning Turkish and with the cultural inferiority of women (and then Foreign women) I leave the big jobs that need to be done around the house or with the car till when he is home. This what tends to take up the first few weeks.
We have many friends and family over on weekends so we can all catch up as they want to see Zafer. Here, if you are a single parent/ person, you don’t usually get invited or included in other families plans, so when Zafer is home, there is lots of making up for lost time.
When Zafer is home it takes a huge load off of me parenting, and the kids are happy with this balance, and love showing him how well behaved and responsible they are.
When Zafer is away with work, we all count down the days till he comes home back to us. It’s hard with no male balance. In Turkish culture, discipline is nearly nonexistent (no bedtime, sugar whenever the child feels like, Mums cook multiple meals to keep everyone happy, screen time all the time, no basic manners…). So I do struggle to find a balance between my extremely strict upbringing to the other extreme, of no discipline. I have a very strong support base here of foreigners and Turkish girls who can speak good English. We support and learn from each other.
A typical week… school for the girls with basketball training after school 2 days a week. I attend pottery courses, help out at school, try to see someone from my husbands family (Sister/cousin/aunty) … it’s huge, and they are very lovely warm welcoming people. I love them.
Weekends consist of working around basketball training and homework. We love to go walking in the forest, trying a new breakfast place with friends, ride bikes or rollerblader by the Bosphorus, try to relax… ( but my kids love activity and action…)
Not only does your husband have a job where he is away for months at a time, you also moved to live in his home country, learnt the language and have raised your kids there. How do you ensure your relationship stays in tact?
We worked together in the same environment for three years and together lived with the girls at his workplace for another six years, I understand the stresses he goes through with his job and I know the people he works with. Not an easy life to live, but I understand it and he knows that. We have to share about everything! We share happiness, frustration, stress, joy, big and little things. This keeps us involved in each other’s lives and we both feel ‘connected’.
We found at the beginning of him coming that he was VERY sensitive to stress and negativity, and I was having a hard time moving over and sharing the ‘decision maker/head of the house’ role after him being away for so long. After the realization that we were not happy when he was home and not happy at all being apart, we then made our action plans to suck it up a bit and move over to make space for the other in a real life setting TOGETHER (not a work environment or trying to tough it out on our own). It has worked!!! We talk about our concerns before he comes home and prepare ourselves so we can each try to control our frustrations. I have really tried to learn Turkish, and become independent here. We bought a car and got my drivers license here, so I am fully independent. I don’t feel restricted in anyway. I do appreciate that my husband has helped this happen and allows me to live without questioning me at all.
What is the one thing that is most important to your family, when your Husband / their Dad is away? How do you make it work?
Talking talking talking, also a lot of prayer.We talk almost every day. We pray for each other that God will protect the heart and eyes from what the devil may try to bring to distract and tempt us.
The girls are not interested in talking on the phone with their Dad but they do keep a diary (most days) telling him what happened today or how they feel, or just a drawing. We tell stories about him, reminisce on the times he was home, and what we want to do when we comes home next time.
If you could give one piece of advice what would it be?
I had no idea THIS was going to be where I would live or how I would live without my husband half the year. I believe life does not deal you something you are unable to deal with. You will be pushed and stretched but not broken!!
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On the flipside
Here at Homes of Victory we are all about applying leadership and management skills to our home life – to improve it. Simon Sinek – the leadership master flips that on its head by saying
The closest thing to leadership is parenting. You have to be an infinite student of parenting.
Simon Sinek
Here at Homes of Victory we wholeheartedly agree with this. On a practical level, I know I have used the same tactics I’ve used with my kids with difficult client.. I’ve even got to the point with one extremely difficult customer who continued to yell at me, I simply said, ‘I’m sorry sir, my children behave better than you. When you calm down, I can help you’. He stood in stunned silence in front of me, he took a step back, lowered his voice and replied ‘Really?’ All I could do was nod.
When we stop to think about what our children have taught us and how we have applied those learnings to our family and workplaces, it is amazing how intertwined the learnings are.
One thing, I’ve learnt from my children that I take into the workplace is a really positive attitude to problem solving and the ability to put issues into perspective. After having children, and learning to live life in the fast lane when it comes to scooting out the door for school. The problems I’ve solved in less than 20 seconds, astound even me. I have the ability to pack leftover breakfast, gather my children and get them walking – with shoes on – do I get an amen to that!, to the vague location of the car, while dealing with milk dropped in the fridge without even breaking a sweat. These issues are not life or death – they just require perspective.
Another thing I have learnt from my children is around expectations. I have high expectations of myself and also expect high behaviour levels from my children. I was finding in the workplace I too, placed high expectations of staff – at times – higher than necessary, higher than what was fair. By learning what are fair expectations verses unrealistic ones, I am a better parent and better leader.
What are some things your children have taught you, that you were able to use in the workplace?
I’ll leave you with one more quote, to stir your thoughts,
Leadership is not a title, it’s a choice. Leaders take care of those in their care.
Simon Sinek
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Freedom starts with honesty.
Judah Smith, author Jesus Is____________________: Find a New Way to Be Human
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But… I Dreamt Big and Worked Hard
Over the last few months, I’m sure you can agree, that life hasn’t been what we’ve expected. What we planned 2020 to be. What we imagined our business, our home life, our everything to look like. This week, I was talking to a friend who lives on the other side of the world with two children, she told me that although she loves to plan, and dream and plan some more, she hates being disappointed when things don’t turn out the way she expected. This isn’t a control thing, in her case, it’s a ‘ but I dreamt big, worked hard’ and it still didn’t happen.
Another sobering conversation we had this week with some friends, was the impact COVID was having in their circle of influence, those they have built multiple companies with, those they work with closely. The impacts have ranged from being hit so hard with the unexpected that decisions based on the now are being made like divorce or worse. In comparing the conversations, the whole ‘ I dreamt big, worked hard and it didn’t happen’ feeling of disappointment resounds. It impacts everyone, from Mums and Dads, to corporate highflyers and everyone in between. I believe this season has impacted every person – somehow. How has it impacted you? Your family? Your friends?
How often during this season, have you felt like, everything you’ve worked for, dreamt of and even at times achieved is simply gone?
Hold that thought, now I challenge you, to write down all your achievements – go back as many years as you like, then, balance that against your dreams. Are you encouraged by what you’ve achieved? Are you still dreaming? Keep it up – look forward.
Homes of Victory implores you during this unsettling, full to overflowing time of the unexpected that you take stock of what really matters in your life. Those plans you had, may need to go on hold, or morph into something more spectacular. Remember life is not what we own, wear, or do. We influence those around us, more than we can imagine. Seek assistance when and if you need to. We’ve been finding that although we feel we don’t need professional help at this point, we have been catching up with the encouragers and positive people in our lives, to boost us and to inspire us during this season.
Who in your network inspires and encourages you? Who do you inspire and encourages? It may be the perfect time to catch up and talk about this season. You’ll gain perspective and hopefully a smile.
We may feel that our world is crumbling , but one thing remains – who we are in terms of character and integrity. It may be the time to take a long hard positive look in the mirror. This season will not last forever, this season will change us in ways we didn’t expect, let it change you for the better, learn the lessons of this season, they will not go unused in the future.
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Audacious vision never cowers in the darkness.
Steven Furtick, Author or Sun Stand Still; What Happens When you Dare to Ask God for the Impossible.
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The A team
Wherever you find a great man, you will find a great mother or a great wife standing behind him — or so they used to say. It would be interesting to know how many great women have had great fathers and husbands behind them.
Dorothy L. Sayers, Gaudy Night
We want to hear from you about who inspires you?
Who has had a great influence in your life?
Don’t find the fault, find the remedy.
Henry Ford
I love the word remedy – it makes me think of old fashioned rest and recuperation, it makes me think of jelly beans at the doctors surgery, it also conjures up images of fixing things before they get worse.
The definition of remedy is
Something that cures or relieves a disease or bodily disorder; a healing medicine, application, or treatment, something that corrects or removes an evil of any kind.
Dictionary.com
Framing ‘ remedy’ in leadership terms strips back the meaning to something that curers or relieves. It also indicates that the remedy is known and then applied. At times we do not know the remedy to apply, we may not know the potential outcomes or risks involved. What we do know is, at times the remedy needs to go against the grain of fixing and issue and looking at preventing it. An example of an evidence based preventative model is one that stands out was developed in Iceland and is now in Australia. It successfully worked on significantly reducing drug and alcohol addiction in teens. Check out the whole story here.
This type of remedy: evidence based preventative model – is a form of remedy that I have come to understand and be impressed by. So often, the issues in our communities do not have a quick fix, seem like they will never change, or feel like the stigma will never leave. This example of a remedy is inspiring and possible. It shows by thinking outside the box and being creative, solutions to the impossible are made all the more possible.
In your sphere of influence, how would the remedy of preventative measures change outcomes when used instead of reactionary measures? On a large scale some counties have what they call a ‘ fantasy council’ where it is their brainstorming opportunity to find solutions to the somewhat impossible.
How do you create the opportunity for brainstorming and problem solving within your work environment and home?
Do you include your children in the problem solving?
You may be surprised by their contribution – their minds don’t see the obstacles and challenges like we do.
Encourage the positive and explore the opportunities the outcome will be far better than you expect.
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A man is but the product of his thoughts. What he thinks he becomes.
Mahatma Gandhi
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the notebook
I absolutely love the 2004 movie the notebook. This movie came out right before I got married and it just captured the romantic in me. It spoke to the place in my heart where I wanted to be with my beloved forever and enjoy the life story we will write together. One thing I do know, is life is not like a movie and things don’t always pan out the way we think or see in our minds. Are you one of those people who plays movies in your mind of what a scenario is going to be like? I do. I have a wild imagination and I always dream of how things will happen, they rarely turn out how they do in my head, but none the less I still dream. Like the time, we were all involved in a wedding and I saw in my mind the kids behaving and us adults having a great time… Reality check – I ended up carrying my child who was the flower girl down the aisle (she was in tears as she wanted the brides bouquet of flowers) in a strapless dress, while trying to shush the other child who noticed the fan on the roof and wanted everyone to know… Any way you get the point. Imagination vs Reality.
Back to the notebook – well a notebook of a different kind, although still with a romantic notion attached. On our wedding day, we received a notebook from my Dad. My Dad will not like me saying this, but he is a very wise and is extremely thoughtful (and humble) man. The notebook contained some words of wisdom from him that we cherish till this day. On each page was a tip on how to make our marriage work better. The one I love the most as I feel there is layers of wisdom in it is;
Always have a little stash of money put aside for a holiday.
Dad – Homes of Victory
Hands up, how many times you’ve said, wish we could just escape the busy even for the weekend? Exactly. The encouragement to have a little money put aside to do this has been wonderful piece of advice for us. We are definitely time people and this is what we needed to hear straight up. When life gets too busy, we plan a short cheap camping trip as a family. The return on the investment that we get in terms of family time is invaluable. It helps us recharge and get on with life again.
Another wise word from him was:
When you have a fight, YOU take the first step to peace.
Dad – Homes of Victory
We have truly benefited from the words my Dad passed onto us. It is like he has used this notebook to sow wisdom into our marriage and family without us realising.
Do not measure success by today’s harvest. Measure success by the seeds you plant today.
Robert Louis Stevenson- Author
This notebook will become something we pass onto our children when the time comes. It is something we add to as we learn things along the way. It may not be something that you have thought to do, but it may be something you could start to do, even once a year on an anniversary as you think of what advice you could give to your children in the future. We may not remember all of the things we learnt along the way, but by sowing our words as seeds along the way, in due time we will see a harvest in our children.
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Being Planted
In life we often celebrate the start, a birth, a business launch, a wedding – the start of something. In time we also celebrate an ending – a graduation, a promotion, a pay rise, final test results, a funeral. Just thought I’d ask, when do we celebrate the hard yakka that going on in between the start and the end?
The end though, is often the result of staying, of working through the challenge, of knuckling down and doing the long hours and hard work. The end is often determined by the ‘ being planted’ in the situation and sticking it out. Are we simply too busy or too occupied with ‘staying’ or ‘being planted’ that we forget to celebrate?
My father- in -law will often crack open a bottle of wine on a Friday night, saying, ” It’s Friday!”. No other reason, other than it’s Friday and in his mind, every week is a great week no matter what has happened or not. Lessons can be learnt from this. The positive thinking, celebrating the small things the list could go on.
What I am trying to say is, if you are in the middle of the ‘ being planted’ , or the ‘ staying’, the digging your heels in because you need to type moment, no matter how good or bad it is, remember to celebrate the good, celebrate your capacity to ride it out and work hard. Celebrate that this is only the middle and not the end. The end will come and a real celebration will happen, but don’t forget the now, don’t forget to see the good in the now. At times it feels like the good is hard to find, but it is there. Use this moment to remain firm in your challenge, to remain committed to seeing the challenge through.
Another way to look at it is, to value the courage it takes to do what you’re doing. You’ve celebrated the launch of a new business, and now it’s crunch time, the workload is increasing or you’re finding a way to increase the workload – celebrate it. Celebrate the courage you are using. Celebrate being brave when you’re not sure of the outcome. Value it. Hold it and use it to spur you on. Their is value in being planted, in staying in the hard times and good times.
On a personal level, project work suits me just fine, as I get bored and move on fairly quickly. In the season of now, in the season of lockdowns and the change of normal, I am learning the value of being planted. The value of seeing a challenge through. I am learning to like it, can’t say I love it, but I’m learning to value my courage and my staying power. I am learning that it is a good thing. (Even though I don’t really have a choice).
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The value of rest
At the best of times, I am not good at stopping to rest. I am always thinking, planning, or doing. My other half is great at resting. On the weekend I may find him asleep on our outdoor couch, sitting on the deck, admiring nature etc.… I’m the one that bustles over and starts a conversation with “What do you think about…” He often answers with comments like, are you resting, have you stopped today… can you turn your brain off for 5 minutes. It’s not that I don’t value rest, I just don’t prioritise it, until it’s too late and I sleep for a whole day to catch up.
During the recent lockdown and changes to normal, I believe I have started to learn the value of rest. I was stood down from work for seven weeks – which I chose to see as a blessing in disguise, as it is the leave I never take. Although the first thing I did write a list of all the house jobs I wanted to do that never had time to do. With that said, I did focus on my kids and their schoolwork, we developed a closer relationship, we worked together as a team and did get all the house jobs done together. We had no routine, nowhere to be, almost nothing to think about, because there was nowhere to go and no commitments.
I truly have valued this time of together and slowing down. A time to choose what we did at home when we wanted to. Yes, we watched a lot of TV and played far too much Nintendo, we argued over neat writing in schoolbooks and how to show the process for the maths questions. We stayed up late and went to bed early if we felt like it. It was a true unwind and change from the busy of life. I even got to the point where, I didn’t know what day it was, and we missed several zoom ballet classes because of it. Although, I was annoyed at myself for forgetting, but realized that it was a good thing as I had truly stopped and rested.
Now we have returned to normal. I need to learn how to continue to value rest, find it in the busy and take it easier – and go easier on myself. Allow myself to rest.
Through this time, have you learnt to rest, how to value it or use it to recharge? We would love to know what you think.
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Do we need to be grown for success?
As I write this, I have been turning over these thoughts in my mind. Long term success, success that has deep foundations and substance, is often determined by our response to events that have occurred. Life changing events, determined learning and application, growth through challenges.
Often we see the ‘ overnight’ success stories, of people often young adults leaping onto center stage, with seemingly little life experience, but none the less successful in their chosen field.
At times, we also see is the success stories of people, who are far older than we expect, taking a risk beyond what we would ever be prepared to do, just to see if it works.
Success comes in a range of ways, and is completely biased towards those who are determined and never give up. Rarely do we as outsiders see the development over thousands of hours of hard work and the growth that takes place behind closed doors.
This is where my question comes into play- to be really successful – more than just having 5 minutes of fame, do we need to be developed behind closed doors in order to be successful ? What happens if our development happens in front of the world? Are we praised or seen to be epic failures? Or is the only thing that matters our response to our success or perceived failure?
Tell us what you think… we would love to hear from you.
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the determined leading the determined
My eldest child is incredible as are all my kids but you know the minute your first child is born something happens and you go all gooey and soft while floating on a cloud of amazement. This happened to us… then she grew and so did her determination, until it surpassed her physical size while her ability to negotiate knows no bounds. Granted in the big bad world, these are great skills to have, but when you are a child living in a family context these skills only serve to add a wrinkle or two to your parents faces.
On a positive day, I face her determination which I refuse to call stubbornness, with my own determination, knowing one day she will thank me for taming her just a little. On a bad day… I ask myself, why… then I realise, every.single.time – she is me. We have been known to stare each other down, I always win of course… she will frown at me, the same way I did to my parents as a kid, she always laughs when I tell her I invented that frown. The boys in the family seem to somehow disappear when they know the two girls are butting heads…
So then, how do the determined lead the determined?. At this point, I wish I could just say – with great difficulty – good luck. That would not however be the whole truth. The truth is – it’s a work in progress. It’s a challenge that needs to be met with both stamina and grace. We may need to dig deep, but the outcome is worth it.
I have been in situations at work, where my determination has clashed with others determination – and not always in a positive way. For example many years ago a team member came up to me and bluntly said, that she should have my job. Purely because she was determined to get it, even though she was not qualified. I’ve had staff sit and literally do nothing, because they wanted a reaction. I’ve even had a customer, say they’ll call the police unless they get their way… You could say I’ve come up against some very determined people in my career, but I sometimes feel I get the last laugh, as I too am determined.
To paint the picture of it quickly ,as a kid I would call family meetings where everyone had to sit around the dining table and listen to me. The only agenda item was – Dad needed to say yes to a family dog. He always said no. Long story short, we had a cat we (read my Dad – love you Dad) needed okay wanted to give away, so my sister and I agreed to cry until we got a dog. Twelve hours later, Dad said yes to a dog, the tears magically stopped and we went to sleep in the early hours of the morning… I think my Dad is still scarred from the tears…
Leaving the emotions at the door when working with determined ahem stubborn staff, is easier than dealing with determined children. One thing I have had to learn with my determined child, is to try to take the emotion out of it, pick the battle and see the strategic outcomes before you achieve them, I like to think of it like a game of chess. If you are not familiar with the game of chess, now is the time to learn…
Think about it – I as the determined person, am trying to get you another determined person to do what I have asked – and you don’t want to do it – in life, especially family life a stalemate is often not an option.
How do you think a game tug of war is won? At times, it is sheer strength of one team over another, other times is it the timing of one team pulling with all it’s might. Knowing when to hold tight or when to pull and win, is 90% of the battle. The final 10% is knowing what outcomes you want, before they can say no, while taking the emotion out of it.
I have heard some pearlers come out of my daughters mouth, when my only reaction can be silence or a rye smile. She has said things like “I can’t put my clothes away, I’m busy designing my mansion”, ” You have a memory, use it”, ” Can’t help, reading”. Another one, when she was four, she said, ” I need a helper to fold my jammas”.
The thing is also, she isn’t trying to be rude, but she can certainly come across rude – so I am also then navigating her emotions and motives. Not only does the strategy of chess work, it encourages me to look at the big picture and not the tiny battles that may not be worth winning. I set boundaries around her, and often let her use her own way to get to the outcome. It’s a matter of finding what works – I call it her currency. I also apply this to the workplace. Often staff are looking for approval, encouragement, a kind word, to be appreciated. At times, all it takes is a few words or a short email to make a huge difference in their attitude. It can take the determination in some one and enable them to use it for good. Because when they choose not to, like we all can at times, the strength of determination used the wrong way can have a huge ripple effect.
The final thing I will mention is, it looks like my third child, my second daughter is going to be just as determined as the first… wish me luck… I’m gonna need it.
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When the Gifting is Normal
Reading is my thing. If I ever get some down time, you will find me somewhere quiet with a book. Biographies, historical fiction and thrillers are my thing. I am secretly in love with Jason Bourne… just saying… Any way, why am I talking about books… I came across this phrase in a book I read, and wrote it down as it struck at my very core, and I paraphrase, ‘ When your gifting is normal it is hard to see.’
Gifts and talents are something we may not all talk about or even be aware of. It takes a bit of confidence to be able to say – these are my gifts and talents. Some people proudly wear them on their sleeve like a musician, athlete or actor where their gifts and talents are obvious to those around them. Others are great at hiding them, we know them to be the quiet achievers. The ones in our team that produce amazing work, without us even expecting it, the ones who slip under the radar at times.
I used to fall into the fence sitting category of achievers. I neither like to fail, nor like the accolades – I work hard and produce great work – I just don’t want it to be made a big deal. In my current role, I work alongside a coordinator who is the most positive and generous leader I have ever worked for. I always seem to be getting emails to say thank you and well done. If something doesn’t go right, their is never a finger pointed – but rather a ‘what can we learn from this’ conversation. Where all parties are included and no one is singled out. This type of leadership in my life, has encouraged me to get off the fence and start owning my achievements. My response to thank you’s and well done used to be, a shy smile with a ‘ its my job’ response. I would let the compliment would bounce off me.
After reading about when our gifting is normal and we often can’t see it – it started to make sense. What I think is me doing my job, is some one else looking at my work and thinking you’re doing a great job.. When I sent my friends this blog to check out and give feedback on, before it launched, one friend replied with ‘ you’re such a wordsmith can’t wait to read it’. I actually let that compliment seep in, rather than bounce off. Maybe I am gifted in areas, I haven’t become aware of, maybe what I think is me doing my work, is not normal for others.
One thing, that we need to be aware of when exploring our gifts and talents, is comparison. I am raising a guilty hand for this point. I often say to my husband – your such a better parent than me. What he always points out to me, is that we have different strengths that work together to form the ‘ leadership team’ of our family. No two people are the same, and no two people have the exact same skill set, gifts or abilities.
In your world, how do your gifts and talents work to make your family what it is?
Do you need to be more aware of your strengths and the impact that they have on those around you?
Have you got gifts and talents you need to take hold of and be bold with? So the world starts to see how amazing you are.
NOTE: the book referenced in this post is Soar, by Bishop T. D. Jakes.
Homes of Victory 