Category: communication

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Blue Print communication

The Whiteboard

Some times as a leader ahem parent, leading multiple people whether they are three years old or thirty three it can be a difficult task. Different opinions, different values, conflicting behavior standards the list goes on. At times we need to stop and as a leader take our team back to the drawing board so to speak and nut out the issues.

In our home, we now have a whiteboard, as we needed to introduce something subtle that would stop the lack of listening and the lack of -not-admitting emotions. ” I’m not tired!”, ” I’m NOT angry!”. You know how it goes, with tired and emotional children… and at times parents.

So how is a whiteboard helping the family with listening to each other? It actually isn’t. What it does do is, it stops us from speaking ( read repeating questions multiple times) and allows us to communicate through the board. It is an additional communication tool, one that has taken away our frustrations and enabled the kids to vent theirs by allowing their creativity to flow. No longer is it the kids trying to articulate words about how they feel, they know they can draw, write or talk to us in the moment of cranky, tired, hangry the list goes on.

When we installed the board we all sat and talked about how it will be used and why we felt we needed it as a family. Needless to say the two older kids love it and use it for its purpose – most of the time, the five year old has now finally lost interest in drawing all over it. Although we have enjoyed looking at the attempts made to draw multiple minions…

We have drawn icons for who is doing what task- an easy visual reminder of allocated chores, we have a table for feelings – happy, sad and tired. We can all tick off how we feel at the end of the day and chat about it at dinner time. One day I even wrote on the board, ” stop fighting” – aimed at the kids. They ran over to see what I had written and within minutes were writing funny responses and the tension had dissipated. We use respectful language on the board, we write quotes that inspire us, we write ” to do” lists and we leave love notes for each other. It has been a welcome addition to our kitchen and the family response has been amazing.

This may or may not work in your family life, but this brain wave from my husband has certainly made an incredibly positive difference in our home.

Take some time this week, to think about how you could adjust or add something small to your family home, that you believe will make a positive difference to your family life.

Categories
Blue Print communication

communication summary

When pulling your communication plan together, remember it needs to be flexible and evolve according to the needs of your family. Communication is vital and powerful – it creates connection, it creates a sense of belonging and it can be the difference between feeling secure or not. It is not something that is static. It will take time to develop.

Over the coming months take some time to look back on all of the elements of a communication plan as below. Reassess how your family is going. Enjoy the wins and be encouraged by the learnings.

  • Why we communicate
  • What we communicate
  • How we communicate and with who
  • The methods we use to communicate different sets of information
  • How often we communicate

The family landscape is always changing as kids and parents alike are always growing and changing – make sure your communication expectations align. Are you as parents demonstrating respect and language that you want your children to reflect? The children will copy you, whether you want them to or not.

Finally, in coming to a close on the communication plan, enjoy talking about and mapping out your communication plan. The value of this plan will come into play when the next conflict or stressful situation arises. It will become the backbone of agreement between family members on how to behave, that will day by day have a more positive and refreshing influence.

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communication

communication plan 2

Fighting fair

How many of us, have had instant regret when words have been said during an argument that are either untrue of knowingly hurtful…. Who has been on the receiving end of these kind of words. Words are incredibly powerful.

…take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.

James 3:4-5 – NIV version

How do we then reign in the power of words and use them for good, even when it’s game on the disagreement races towards hostility?

Most workplaces have a code of conduct where expected behaviours are laid out and clear for all staff to uphold. Likewise, in your home it would benefit the family to have the expected behaviours when conflict arises to fall back on. In our home, we call it the rules of engagement. I am not by any means stating we are perfect or fight fair every time – we are human, but what we aim to do, is communicate in a way that is fair, that tries to get to the bottom of the issue without the emotional hurt and spray of angry words. Although the aim of this section is to finish off your communication plan, it may start to look like a code of conduct document – where what is acceptable and not acceptable behaviours and communication methods will be laid out.

Start adding to your list from the communication plan 1, types of behaviors you would like to see in your family when conflict arises.

How practical and easy do you feel it would be to demonstrate those behaviours in conflict?

The aim of this is not to feel like a failure if you set the bar too high. Start working towards your desired behaviours in baby steps – map out how you want to see your family conflict resolved from the fly on the wall perspective.

Finally, don’t be afraid to try different communication tools. As we often have the kids with us and tempers flare at times, we find we sometime argue over text… so no words are actually spoken, the kids are none the wiser and we tend to work it out faster. Once we work it out, we do talk about it and have a proper conversation to make sure we are on the same page.

Make it a goal, to try a new way to communicate when conflict arises – it may just work out better than you expect.

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Blue Print communication

communication plan 1

A family communication plan is not something that is black and white and formally written out and used to gauge performance. Rather, it is informal and flexible, it has ground rules and clear expectations.

Let’s look at how we are going to lay the groundwork for a family communication plan. First up, work through the next six points together. It will get you thinking about what is working and what is not. Write down your answers in your notebook, to keep a record of the beginnings of your plan.

  1. Assess together how your communication is generally going?
  2. What are some of the things that annoy you the most about your current level of communication? 
  3.  What are some ways you could improve your level of communication?
  4. Write down some changes you are going to make in your home to communicate better? Be it with each other or your kids as well.
  5. What simple tools could you use to make life hum along just that little bit better?
  6. What communication expectations do you have?

As you start to implement these improvements and expectations, document how you feel the change is working. It may take some time, to realise the extent of the improvement, but be patient. Every family member will adjust in due time.

  1. Reassess your communication plan after one month.
  2. Ask the question – what improvements have been made?
  3. What improvements are there still to make?
  4. Would you add anything to your list of expectations or improvements?

As communication is ever evolving in family life, make sure you always have clear expectations of each family member and ensure encouragement personal growth is at the forefront. You can do this!

Next we will look at the fun part: communicating during conflict.

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Blue Print communication

communication 3

The value of free

Ever since I can remember we’ve done this in our home, I don’t even know how it started and I hope it doesn’t end. It doesn’t happen often and it doesn’t happen always but when a Love Gift is given, it often surprises and makes the recipient feel special, it communicates encouragement and love. What is a Love Gift you ask? It can be whatever we want it to be, as long as when it is given, we say “ Love Gift”. It can be the last piece of chocolate, the first pick of the roast pork crackling, it can be I love you written on the mirror, a post it note somewhere in the house. A Love Gift can be anything and for anyone in our home– it is often free – but the value of free in this case far exceeds any other monetary value. You see, it is the thought that counts, it’s the ‘ want to give’ attitude behind it. Love Gifts actually work the best, when they’re hard to give. When we’ve had a disagreement or when the kids have been playing up, it’s at those moments Love Gifts seem to have the most value.

A friend came to me the other day telling me about her relationship and where they were at.. she was so sad it had got to this point and at the same time all four of them were sick and tired and over it. I encouraged her to give a Love Gift. Her first response was why? My response was, because he won’t expect it. The simple act of kindness when all you want to do is stay in a slump, can make a giant difference to everyone in your home. She messaged me a few days later to say that Love Gifts work! Sometimes all it takes is for someone to be the bigger person and show love in the most unexpected way to make unexpected changes to the situation.

My daughter now, even writes little notes to her friends, as a Love Gift. If she notices someone upset she will come home, write and note and give it to them the next day. She said she loves to make people smile and sometimes all it takes is for someone to notice.

Whether in our homes or out in the world, the value of free – goes along way. The thought behind the Love Gift also speaks louder than words, and communicates kindness at the deepest level – something I feel our world needs more of.

Take some time this week to give a Love Gift to someone in your home. Think about who you would cheer up or show love to, outside your home – you never know what difference you will make in someone’s life.

Categories
Blue Print communication

communication 2

In the digital day and age, communication seems easier and harder at the same time. Communication nonetheless is the number one most important thing in a relationship and family. How it occurs, when it occurs, where it occurs and the depth of it all impacts the foundations of the relationships and the building of a family. In the season of being a parent, communication can be hard. Sleep deprivation, forgetfulness, overwhelmed-ness – everything contributes to diminished communication. Your communication style may have changed, your capacity has changes so too has the needs behind communicating.

I know for us we often find in our busy that we remember to ask the other person something in the middle of the night when the other is asleep, or when they are in a meeting and we can’t talk. Then adding, when we do see each other face to face, the kids interrupt in a multitude of ways that we often forget what we were trying to say, ask or tell. Are you smiling yet, because it’s true?

I must admit at the moment, I am guilty of saying before the kids bedtime, after they go to bed, let’s hang and chat, I need to ask you about… I then proceed to fall asleep with one of the kids, and stumble into bed around midnight, remembering that we needed to talk about something. The conversation then happens in a rush before work the next morning sometimes even before caffeine. We all know that, that time of day is absolutely not productive. So to overcome these challenges, some self-inflicted of course we have started using a few communication tools and methods to help us.

1. yes / no text

As the main, social organiser/ child logistics queen in the family, I often need to ask my other half questions that have a simple yes / no answer. At the moment I am sending at least one text a week with a short list of yes/ no questions. He knows, to respond! Not because it’s a ‘ yes dear’ moment, but because he knows that I am running the logistics past him to make sure he is included and that it works for him too. At other times the yes/ no texts become an email, as I’ve waited so long and the list is too much for a text. This may or may not work in your situation, but it has taken the pressure off both of us when we are with the kids and working out the logistics of life. Since we’ve started doing this, I have been receiving yes / no texts too – I love it, as it keeps life humming along and we are both on the same page with what is happening with the kids and other things in life.

Would yes/no texts work in your family? What other tools could work to take the pressure off working out the logistics of life?

2. shared calendar

My husband introduced a shared digital calendar into our lives about a year ago. It was the best thing. If you don’t already have a shared calendar – you need one! It is our go to when we get asked to do something out of hours, rather than saying ‘I need to ask my wife’ – which sounds like he’s asking for permission, my husband checks the calendar and has autonomy over his decisions. Likewise, I am the same. Our simple parameter around the calendar is, whoever has it in first gets it. So if I plan a girls night on a particular date and add it to the calendar I go… if he forgets to put something in for that same date – he loses out and vice versa. It may sound a bit black and white but don’t worry we are kind and negotiate. We put that simple parameter around our calendar so we use it to its capacity so it benefits us the most. It is a communication tool, that we use to minimise issues in logistics and awareness. We got tired of saying to each other – I didn’t know you were going out/ but I already planned something –  all of those unavoidable conversations have now been avoided.

Research some apps that could contribute to enabling more communication in your relationship.

One additional app may make a huge difference.

3. screen time

I thought I would add in, screen time and parameters at this point. So much is being written about screens and their positive and negative effects on kids and adults. I was looking for some stats and quotes to add strength to what I am about to write, but the information online seemed overwhelming. All articles pointed to the same type of issue – more screen time = lower quality relationships. We know this to be true, just looking at our own lives. It is amazing how quickly addiction can take over. Not just for kids but adults alike. Who sits on the couch after the kids go to bed, watching TV, flicking through their phone, sitting with their loved one. It’s not spending time together, but rather just being in the same room.

Our kids are still young enough to not have their own device, but the time is coming soon when they will need to for school. In order to pre-empt the screen time dramas to come, we have started modelling screen savvy behaviours to them. We want them, when the time comes to be able to self-regulate their own screen use when the time comes. We need to set the example, and use our own devices in moderation in front of them. What they see is what they will do. In response to our kids behaviour and I know your family will be different and have other measures in place, we now have the following parameters in our home that include all members of the family:

  • No screens in bedrooms – this is hard for us as parents but we are trying to work according to this rule too – how easy is it to lie in bed scrolling through your phone at the end of the day…
  • 30 mins screen time on a school day and;
  • one hour on weekends ( this includes TV, computers, gaming devices, e-readers)
  • whole family time is in addition on weekends – this could be a movie night etc…
  • Parents don’t have a TV time limit. (Can you tell our kids are detailed.)

In addition to this, as parents we aim to put our phones out of sight from 4 – 8pm – if we are home. The only phone calls we answer are from family and text messages can wait. Although we are not perfect, we try. We know, what we are aiming for and that is quality relationships and those can only be built with communication at the forefront of our minds. Since implementing these parameters, our kids do communicate with us more, they read more, they play more, they even help around the house a bit more. Teamwork is gaining momentum as we have put this emphasis on communication and togetherness.

Think about how many times you’ve had a device in your hand, when someone else has been trying to talk to you? How do you feel when it is you trying to talk?    

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communication

communication

One thing I love about applying management and leadership tools to family life is the word that keeps popping up ‘ expectation’. I feel this word sums up how the family blueprint can positively impact your family as it sets a level of expectation in many areas of life. The expectation of behaviour, expectation of good, better and best and the expectation of outcomes. Communication is key to setting expectations and navigating obstacles in life.

When writing a communication plan in a project so many elements come together to ensure all stakeholders are informed and are taken on the project journey. Elements of the plan include:

  • The purpose or goals of the communication plan
  • Information about stakeholders and their roles
  • The types of information that needed to be shared with stakeholders
  • The methods used to communicate
  • The frequency that each stakeholder would like to receive information

Breaking this down, it could read as follows for families:

  • Why we communicate
  • What we communicate
  • How we communicate and with who
  • The methods we use to communicate different sets of information
  • How often we communicate

Also other important elements of a communication plan, once again altered so it can apply to your family:

  • Creates written documentation for reference
  • Sets expectations
  • Increases transparency
  • Provides the opportunity for feedback
  • Increases productivity

When stating it creates written documentation – what I will point out is, my family doesn’t have it written down and probably never will. What we have done is talked about it a million times and neither of us will forget the Why, What and Who of our communication plan. Whether you feel your plan needs to be documented or not, remember that excellent communication is the foundation of navigating life’s obstacle course. It will determine how positive or negative the journey through an obstacle will be and how it is resolved. Communication is key.

Start thinking about and writing down the good, the bad and the ugly in your family communication?

What would you like to improve? How do you think that can happen?